Worst of the Worst: Hulk Hogan's "Hulk Rules"
It's almost impossible to describe anything as "the worst ever" because if there's one thing humans are good at, it's having opinions on things, and describing something as being bad can often be taken so far as to be seen as a personal attack. And invariably, there is almost always something that's even worse.
People will always also argue that things they don't like are bad, but that's just their opinion, and that is only one way of looking at it, because realistically not everyone will love everything, it's how it works. However, there are truly some songs that are so bad that they can be universally agreed upon as being terrible, and that's what makes them the worst of the worst.
These songs are a mix of terrible ideas, poor execution, comical intent, or just plain weirdness and stupidity. They often have some decent elements, but these elements are often drowned out by a constant nagging or misuse of a musical device, or a weird lyric that comes off as offensive.
So, where better to begin this series than with famed wrestler Hulk Hogan's failed attempt to spread "Hulkmania" to the world of music with his 1995 record "Hulk Rules," a record that features a collection of songs so scattered that it's truly impossible to follow, and actually features very little singing by the Hulk himself, with most of the musical duties being performed by his band, the Wrestling Boot Band (led by Hogan's manager).
The record is filled with some brilliantly terrible forays into the world of metal, and one genuinely touching song ("Hulkster in Heaven" a song dedicated to a fan who died), but it's Hogan's attempts at rap that are truly the highlight of the record, and "I Want to be a Hulkamaniac" stands out as the worst one of them all.
It's hard to even start with this track, it features a keyboard that would have sounded outdated in 1983 (seriously, this was the age of Chicago house and this was the best Hogan could find?), a drum machine that beats so consistently that it becomes maddening, and some of the worst singing in a rap chorus ever.
But it truly gets great when Hulk starts rapping. He instructs the listener to "train, say your prayers, and eat your vitamins too" and continues to rap about being healthy in a way that would make Mark Wahlberg embarrassed (fortunately, "Good Vibrations" is too good to ever make it into this series).
The worst part about this track though is the fact that it's so bad that it's not even funny. Torturers would frown upon using this song, it's just simply that impossible to listen to. While Hogan may have been on top of the wrestling game in the 90's, his understanding of the world of music was certainly limited. Unfortunately for the world, this wasn't Hogan's last attempt to do something outside of the wrestling world, but we'll stop here for now.