'United States Of Tara' - Season 3 Episode 4 - Wheels Recap
Charmaine is being rushed to the hospital by ambulance, as Tara tries to provide comfort. She runs through a litany of Tara’s sins, including the wedding disturbance, and tells the staff at the hospital to keep the ‘crazy’ away from her and the baby. Of course, given her verbal diarrhoea in the ambulance, it’s debatable who the crazy is.
Speaking of crazy, let’s join Kate at the airport. She’s downloading her entire brain onto Ray, a baggage attendant, as she waits for her bags to reappear. Ray seems taken with Kate. Kate hangs out at the airport, waiting for her missing bag. Along comes our friendly Flight Attendant, who inspires Kate. “She’s a f*ckin’ genius!” The next day, Max picks up Kate, and at home, Tara assures Kate that she can be as confident as anyone. Back at the airport to pick up the missing bag (now minus all of her underwear,) Kate again sees the mysterious flight attendant, and has an epiphany – she’d like an application for Flight Attendant, please!
At the hospital, Alice has appeared, smoothing out the hospital sheets for Charmaine’s upcoming birth. Max asks Alice if he can speak to Tara, but Alice assures him that Tara is too overwhelmed. Luckily, Alice has experience in ‘midwifery.’ Can that be true? If the 50’s were anything like the 60’s and 70’s, we mainly just let the doctors take over until the whole mess was done. But I digress. Tara zaps back in as Marshall arrives.
Charmaine, struggling to deliver the baby, insists she wants to name the baby ‘Cassandra. ’ Neil hates the name. “It’s got ASS in it.” Since the baby has Neil’s head, we’re gonna need a C section. While Tara and Marshall pace in the waiting room, Marshall wonders if Max would ever leave the family. Tara avoids the question. Marshall asks if Tara was herself when she gave birth, and she assures him, everything was fine. Later, Neil shows Charmaine the birth certificate, where he has written “Cassandra Wheels Kowalski” as the baby’s name.
When Tara, Max and Marshall (‘thank you God for making me gay.’) enter Charmaine’s room, Neil is over the moon at what he’s produced. However Charmaine tells Tara that she doesn’t want her near the baby. The next day, Charmaine reiterates that she is not sure she can trust Tara’s alters with the new baby.
Taking advantage of the empty house, Marshall, Lionel and new friend Noah raid the liquor cabinet. (Schnapps? Ooh, that’s gonna hurt tomorrow.) The three gay friends marvel over the vagaries of heterosexual love, then debate the best threesomes in cinema. Using Kate’s abandoned room, the three boys kiss, and Marshall asks that the lights be turned off. When Neil tries to get organized to bring supplies to the hospital, and to get the house ready for a new born, (“sleep has replaced sex as my favourite thing.”), he says that his house smells like “ass and semen.” Um, Neil? Is this a smell you are familiar with, because I’m not sure I’d recognize that smell without some kind of previous knowledge? But I’m not going there, no I am not!
Tara has an argument with alter T, who takes no responsibility for causing Charmaine’s early labour. “It’s win-win. I win twice.” Max enters, carrying a strange blue ogre that is apparently Orgalawn’s mascot, as Tara throws her text book at T. He’s encouraging, but a little out of joint that Tara gets to do her thing, while his life is going off the rails. He’s now working with the competition. She asks him why he can’t just walk away from her. He tells her, because he loves her. Tara doesn’t seem convinced.
Well, let’s get serious. How can Professor Hatteras think straight when a mysterious poo has arrived in the middle of his desk Zen garden? Tara tries to explain that she needs an extension on the upcoming exam, while she deals with things like screwing up her car, her marriage, her sister, and her alters. The Prof is not impressed. Tara offers to clean out his ‘sh*tbox’ if she can have a few days, but Hatteras is adamant that she needs to get her life in order.
Tara confronts her alters, and says from now on, she’s in charge. With all of the alters in attendance, she wants to lay down guide rules. She wants each alter to draw up a contract, saying what each one wants, otherwise she’ll go back on the drugs, and they’ll all go back in the closet. Unfortunately, she’s in the middle of the dreaded exam while this all goes on. Prof Hatteras looks on in amazement. (Remember, he doesn’t believe in Dissociative Disorder.) Covered in ink, and other souvenirs of her engagement with the alters, she tells Hatteras, “I’m crazy. I’m f*cking crazy.” He seems stunned, but finally understanding.
Next week: The Prof not only accepts Tara’s alters, he wants to do a paper on her experiences. Charmaine wants help from Tara, but won’t let Tara near the baby.