Previously - Sookie was the reluctant hostess of a “We Saved Arlene, Holly, That Drunk Broad & Sam’s Baby Mama!” party. Jessica got over finding her boyfriend James and Lafayette boning in the back of their SUV by boning Jason. Eric caught up with Sarah Newlin. Bill discovered he’s got Hep-V.

We’re vamp-speeding closer and closer to the finale and the storylines may be slightly lame but they’re trying their best. They really are. Hey, there’s no rapist were-panthers, women duct-taped to toilets, or Christopher Meloni staking children. They’re trying!

Eric’s weak with the Hep-V but that doesn’t keep him from carrying around that Yakuza fellow’s lower face like he proudly won it at the county fair. The Yakuza haven’t been dispatched entirely so we’re treated to a very tall Alexander Skarsgård beating the life out of some short guys. “Really?” he huffs when they just keep coming. I’m so glad someone had a character complain about the relentless nature of television fisticuffs. Guys must get winded!

Unfortunately, Pam’s been captured and silvered and Eric has to surrender. You know, Pam’s a bad-ass bitch yet she seems to get captured A LOT to support the plot. She doesn’t have Hep-V so why is she so capturable? Plot hole. The Yakuza transport Eric and Pam to their corporate headquarters in every car from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. They’re left in a large room with large windows and a timer counting down to dawn and their doom.

Vampire Bill Compton’s at his mansion, dealing with his Hep-V realization. Being a pragmatic sort, he calls up a lawyer to get his affairs in order. Unfortunately, Jessica has returned home from finding out her boyfriend is gay. Using her plot-determined vampire super-hearing, Jessica overhears Bill on the phone and is immediately panicked. Bill goes to leave, and Jessica tries to get the news out of him without looking like she's trying to get the news out of him. Jessica, this is no time for coyness. There's only a few episodes left, Redbone. Bill’s a little pre-occupied and begs off. Oh, Bill. Share with your baby vamp!

Lafayette brings Auntie Lettie Mae to his silken den of funk. He’s not letting her ass out of his sight seeing as she keeps stabbing vampires for their blood. James went home post-butt sex to pomade and slick back his mop and then over to Lafayette's to wait for his dream lover. James listens to Lettie Mae’s riff about Tara and the hereafter. He manages to convince Lafayette that she might actually be telling the truth about needing V to communicate with her abruptly killed off-camera daughter. Lettie Mae isn’t going it alone, so she and the nephew both feed off James and collapse on Lafayette’s designated trip couch.

Jason is sitting in his driveway worrying about the post-finding-out-her-boyfriend-was-gay-and -needing-solace sex he had with Jessica. This is mostly because his girlfriend is A) an ancient vampire and B) completely around-the-bend mental. Why is he with her? He’s basically been held hostage by her, right? Ok, I answered my own question. People let this go on? *sigh* Bon Temps. He finally goes in to find Violet has turned his house into Yankee Candle and she’s sporting lingerie. She’d like some sex before she murders him and his family and friends. 

Bill drives to the lawyer, whose office is adjacent to the only parking garage they ever shoot TV and movies in in LA. Seriously, how many times have you seen this white spiral drive with SUVs hurtling down it amidst gunfire? It’s a loooonnnggg wait for Bill seeing as most vampires are dying of Hep-V and need wills. We’re talking 5 - 7 hours. Even vamps have to endure horrible waiting room moments and bored, surly clerks. It’s not all moonlight sex and crimson killing sprees.