Previously - A slew of Hep-V infected vamps attacked the 1st Annual Bon Temps Vampires/Humans Mixer. In a prime example of aiming for Yoko and hitting John, Tara was killed protecting Lettie Mae. Arlene, Holly, that drunk broad who hangs around in the background, and Sam’s pregnant lady (they should totally name the baby Luna) were taken to Fangtasia to act as groceries. Adilyn fed off Jessica and invited her in despite Jess having nixed her three sisters. Pam is searching the world for Eric.

It’s gotta be the last season of True Blood, because this week’s episode opens with the fan servicing to end all fan servicing. It’s an Eric Northman/Jason Stackhouse sex scene! Both men are very shirtless, and kissing all up on each other. There is also some pouncing and mutual noting of not being able to get the other off their mind (and other parts). As far as I can tell, this scene exists solely to cause tingles in the nether regions of the viewers whose nether regions tingle for that sort of thing. Seeing as I am a mister married to a mister, I sincerely thank you, True Blood.

The Meat - 

Sookie & Co. investigate the nearby town of Saint Alice and discover that the Hep-V vamp infestation is worse than anyone imagined. Sookie’s reminded of how much she loved Bill because priorities.The remaining Bon Tempsians decide to take matters into their own hands and storm the police station for weapons. Arlene and Holly desperately try to figure a way out of Fantasia’s basement of  impending death. Pam finds Eric and it’s not good. 

The Blood -

Sookie/Alcide/Jason/Sheriff Andy/Sam: Somehow, Jason is able to walk after waking up out of that dream about Eric. Sookie mentions the dead girl she stumbled over in the woods, ya’ll, after she took that amazingly dumb pouty run alone during a vampire massacre. Keep in mind she also CHUCKED HER CELL PHONE because Alcide had a bad thought about her. You would think after seven years of utter mayhem (wait, it’s eight because she lost a year in fairyland) she would have a thicker skin by now. Sam urges the townspeople to make the missing Arlene happy and help to repair Bellefleur’s (you can probably find their Yelp page by looking up “Merlotte’s) while the cool kids investigate. Sookie brings them to the body, and they discover she’s from a neighboring town called Saint Alice. Road trip! They arrive in Saint Alice to find it completely deserted with Hurricane Katrina-like scrawls pleading for help on buildings and homes. Sookie stumbles upon a horrific find - a mass grave containing what appears to be most of the town. It appears that the Hep-Vs decimated this town right before they moved on to Bon Temps. Still searching for clues, they discover the dead girl’s home, and Jason determines that the family was taken two days ago by tasting some pizza that was left on the dinner table. Andy refers to this as “Jason’s pizza forensics” and there’s your recap title, J.! Sookie finds and reads dead girl’s diary. And I know that she’s no longer with us, but jeez, that’s someone’s diary. Then again, this is someone who can read thoughts so what does she know about preserving people’s privacy whether it’s something she can’t help or not. Sookie reads that the deceased was dating a vampire, and that their courtship was very, very similar to how she met and fell in love with Vampire Bill Compton. Alcide is really good at smelling things, so I hope he’s smelling the dumping that’s coming at him in two or three episodes. On the drive home, Alcide assures Sookie that it wasn’t her fault that vampires came to Bon Temps in the first place and she’s not some crazy freak, she’s just a human who fell in love with a vampire. Sookie appreciates him saying so but not enough to sneak over to Bill’s mansion and ask him if he can still sense when she’s in danger. Poor Alcide. Don’t feel too bad for him, though. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a hard time landing ladies.