I am never getting married. If I trust every show I've ever seen, and really why wouldn't I trust television, getting married never ends well.

On the last episode of "Torchwood" we started with a wacky bachelorette party, with booze, a stripper, and some rather inebriated women. Gwen shows up late, as she was caught up fighting a shape-shifting alien with razor sharp teeth. It bites her before Jack diplomatically takes it down with several shots from his gun. All is fine and dandy until Gwen wakes up the next morning, her wedding day, with quite a bun in her oven. Yep, you can get pregnant if someone bites you. They don't teach that in sex ed, do they?

Given that Gwen refuses to postpone her wedding, Torchwood is on the case. Tosh gets to keep an eye on Gwen because, as Jack says, "She isn't giving birth to the baby Jesus." Owen gets to examine the dead alien, and Ianto gets to go shopping for a new wedding dress for the shotgun bride. This, of course, leads to an amusing scene with Ianto picking out a dress, which he swears is for a friend. Nobody believes him; I don't think I believe him.

Rhys flips out, but he decides to go along with Gwen and just tell people that they're expecting a bundle of joy. This will only be believable until Torchwood finds a way to give Gwen a really late-term abortion. They're were really hitting the controversial issues this episode. Rhys has also taken to not even being cordial to Jack, and really he shouldn't. We all know that Jack has eyes for our dear Gwen.

Tosh and Gwen have a nice scene where Tosh is worried she's never going to get married, which is really nice to do on someone's wedding day, make it all about you. Meanwhile, Jack and Ianto make me never want to see a tailor ever again. Oh, and did I mention there is an unusually hot woman hanging around the hotel where the wedding is going to take place? Yeah, she's got a thing for biting, but luckily Tosh has a gun, not that she gets a chance to use it.

So we learn that the alien creatures mate for life with the male implanting the egg into a host and the female finding the host and ripping the newborn out of her. This is really not looking to be a good day for Gwen. At least her bridesmaids assume they were so drunk the night before they didn't notice Gwen was preggers.

Tosh and the best man get trapped by the female alien eater, which doesn't sit well with Tosh who finds the best man to be a bit of a creep, but hey, it is a wedding and the wedding party is supposed to be getting lucky. Yeah, I'm aware this is why I'm not in many wedding parties. All the while we get to sit through the parents of Gwen and Rhys fighting as inlaws are prone to do.

The ceremony seems go smoothly at least for a little while, though Jack, Ianto, and Owen haven't made it there. They're all in the car chatting on about how people shouldn't get married in the middle of nowhere. They make it in time for Jack to tell them to stop the wedding, while Ianto and Owen save Tosh from her date with the best man. Torchwood locates the alien and opens fire in the chapel, which just makes me excited to go to a wedding.

Owen, meanwhile, has pulled out the alien scalpel he used to save Martha because the prop department was low on funds this episode, so hey it might work again. Rhys' mom is suspected to be the shape shifter, which leads to an awkward moment after Jack calls her an ugly bitch, and it turns out she's not the alien. The real alien has Gwen's mom hostage, so Gwen saves her by opening fire with a gun hidden in her bouquet. This is the best wedding ever.

We finally get a scene with just Gwen and Jack, where they almost kiss, until we find out Jack is the shape shifter, who can apparently just keep getting shot without consequence. Gwen and Rhys go on the run, and Jack gets a bigger gun without making a joke about it making up for something else. Owen teaches Rhys to use the scalpel, who is able to use it after just one misfire. The shape shifter in Rhys' mom's guise tries to kill them, and Rhys goes after it with a chainsaw, which breaks down just as he's about to strike. Don't worry, all is not lost. Jack blows the thing's head off with his huge gun. If Ianto asks Jack to bring that into the bedroom I'm gonna need therapy.

Gwen and Rhys finally get married, and at the reception Owen and Tosh get to dance together while Jack asks to cut in to Rhys and Gwen's dancing. Subtle, Mr. Harkness, subtle. Jack gives his approval to Gwen and Rhys, and I think he is really going to let Gwen be happy. Ianto cuts in and steals Jack from Gwen, they dance all cute-like, and it seems like everyone is actually going to end an episode happily. Everyone at the wedding passes out, thanks to retcon, and I've got to say Torchwood finally pulled off an assignment without a hitch.

Then we end on Jack reminiscing through some old photographs, including one of his own wedding many many years ago. Now this episode returned "Torchwood" to its early season glory, funny and entertaining the entire way through.

Next week:
You'll never want to go to the movies or the circus ever again.

Story by Dan Chruscinski
Starpulse contributing writer