Something about this episode completely blew my mind. It wasn’t an audition, it wasn’t some crazy overreaction, it wasn’t anything to do with the actual competition of the show. It was Britney and her confidant “messing” with an assistant.

First they asked for a straw hat. Then a tiara. All while insisting they were “just messing with him.”

I’m not sure the point of putting this bit of scripted nonsense (and if you don’t think it was, then I’ve got a prince in Nigeria who wants to marry you) into this show. Are we trying to make Britney less likable? Are we trying to show that this assistant is clueless?

None of it made sense to me. Thank God there were auditions too:


These were the total hip-hop guys with the stereotypical bandanas, tattoos and carved out hair to fit the part perfectly. Also, like most hip-hop artists they couldn’t sing at all. Actually, only one of the even tried. The other simply said “yeah” at times he felt appropriate. “No.”

Dinah Jane Hansen

This is the second time this season that a little kid singer totally made me rethink my bias against the junior set. She flashed a deep and smoky voice well beyond her years with a perfect song of choice of Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy”. I’ll give her a pass on the kid stuff (and myself) because she looked like she was 25. Maybe her vocal cords are that old.


This was the returning auditioner who went with a bowtie and suspenders. The double anachronism. He was good, but not great. The judges seemed blown away, but I feel like there’s a dozen people just like him on the Third Street Promenade on a daily basis. Gotta dig the fashion though.


This was the 52-year-old Asian lady in a sailor’s outfit. She was all set up to be a joke act. The heavy accent, the crazy clothes, the judges mocking her – it was all the normal cliché. The crazy thing was that she wasn’t actually that bad. Her pitch and her tone were actually approaching good. The problem was her enunciation, which was non-existent. She may as well have been singing in a language she invented herself. The judges were relentless, but I think she was better than she was given credit.


This was the non-threatening bleached faux-hawk dude who seems destined to appeal to pre-pubescent tweens who want a guy they can scream at rather than hear all while knowing he’ll never actually make a move on them. Because that would be against his promise vow. Or chastity ring. Or something. Anyway, he was thoroughly lame.


This was the portmanteau couple composed of the weird shaved head guy and the gorgeous girl who was way too good for him. They sang an original that sounded like the worst song Neon Trees ever recorded. And that’s really saying something. They came off like an ‘SNL’ parody of a couples act called Cheese and Crackers or something. Except much worse singers than I’m envisioning.


This was the tatted-out fedora dude who was confident the sound of his singing voice was going to reunite him with his birth mother. Like he was a character in a Disney movie or something. He did a mediocre rendition of one of the fourteen Bruno Mars songs that sounds like all the other ones. It captivated the judges. I yawned and wondered if he’ll set the record for male crying on this show.


Hey! It’s Gene Simmons’ daughter! And she’s cute. Maybe I should’ve watched that “reality” show she was on. She did a slowed down version of Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love” with a deliberateness I found to be very effective. Her voice wasn’t a blowaway, but she certainly knew how to deliver the impact of a song. I really liked her. The judges were lukewarm, yet all but LA let her go through. I think she has potential.


This was the super-diva drama queen who insisted she was the Simon Cowell of her vocal class. She had a big, grandiose voice and she knew it. She knew it so much that she oversang in a manner that would make Christina Aguilera in her prime feel like she was overdoing it.


I’ve been on record saying a group is going to win this year, but Daryl has me changing my mind. He had a pure soul voice with a size and depth to it that will work on modern day radio. Plus he’s got a winning personality that’s certain to appeal to voters. This guy is already looking like one of the favorites.

The Best of Simon:

 “It was just you going, ‘ugh’, while he murdered the song.” - to that hip combo, Adonis

“There was a movie that did that once. It was called ‘The Exorcist’.” – to a girl who said something unexpected came out of her.

“That was like taking a musical sleeping tablet.” – to a girl wailing her way through ‘Jar of Hearts’.

“I think it was too much singing.” – to a girl who did a very creaky robot during her performance.

“That wasn’t manslaughter. That was first degree.” – describing the level at which somebody murdered a song.

“If they ever remake the film, you could replace the iceberg.” – to everybody’s favorite tone deaf Celine Dion cover artist.

I am travelling tomorrow, so you’re on your own for the recap of the final night of auditions, but I’ll be back next week to break down boot camp!