I recently started thinking about the best songs about girls with every letter of the alphabet, regardless of whether or not the subject of the song is the same as the title. This project became a bit of a labor of love since there were two important, sometimes conflicting, considerations: How good the song is versus how cool the chick sounds. Ultimately, I had to pick songs that struck the best balance between these two considerations.

A: Amie by Pure Prairie League. A nod to Angie by The Rolling Stones, but if he's dumping her she couldn't have been that great.

B: Bernadette by The Four Tops. He mentions that when he's with her he sees envy in other men's eyes, plus he just sounds angry in love with her. This might be the best oldie of all time. Consideration went to Brandy by Looking Glass, yet because the narrator chooses "the sea" over her; it has to remain in the honorable mention category.

C: Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s a great song that always seems to make people happy, and she must be something else if he keeps coming back, despite her “shaking” the poor guy's “confidence.” “Daily,” no less.

D: Diane, as in Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp. I like the sound of this gal because she’s a cheap date who likes to “suck (ing) down chili dogs outside the Tasty Freeze.”

E: Eleanor by The Turtles. “Gee, I think she's (you’re) swell.” A nod goes to Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners for causing thoughts to "verge on dirty," but ultimately I like the cut of Eleanor’s jib.

F: Fanny, as in “take a load off, Fanny” in the song "The Weight" by The Band. That’s just a great song, and it's a lot of fun to sing stinking drunk, especially when you know every stinking word.

G: Gloria by Them and Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths are both good, but I have to go with Glad Girls by Guided By Voices. "Girlfriend in a Coma" just kind of lays there, and the guy singing about Gloria seemed most impressed with how her name is spelled, which doesn’t impress me all that much.

H: Hang on Sloopy by The McCoys is one hell of a song, but it should really be categorized under S, so I'm going to go with Chasing Heather Crazy by Guided By Voices. I realize that is two straight picks for GBV, but it just kind of worked out that way. Besides, Heather “likes it when it grows,” which doesn’t sounds all bad.

I: Izabella by Jimi Hendrix is a jam, but I’m going with Iesha by ABC (Another Bad Creation). However, the question remains, when our little friend from ABC gave her the lollypop and a letter, did she and she alone “peep” them? If I hear anything to the contrary than I’m giving the letter I to Isabella.

J: Jane Says by Jane's Addiction. This chick “takes a swing, and she can hit,” so she sounds like my brand of crazy. A shout out goes to Jenny by Tommy Tutone because you could get her number off of a bathroom wall, but "Jane Says" is just such a better song.

K: Killer Queen by Queen because not only is she “well-versed in etiquette” but she's simultaneously “dynamite with a laser beam” and “extraordinarily nice.”

L: Lola by The Kinks is a classic song to be sure, but I'm not sure what putting a tranny song on my list would say about me. Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix was about his favorite groupie, which is nice, the song is stunning, but is her name really Little Wing? I’m going with Layla by Derek and the Dominoes. When an already gifted musician is in love with his best friend's wife he would be likely to write passionate songs, and this one is no exception to that rule.

M: A lot of people might say Maybelline by Chuck Berry, Michelle by The Beatles, or My Michelle by G n' R, but I'm going with Monique the Freak by Ween. Deal with it.

Coming Soon: N-Z Song Titles

Story by Matthew Swanson
Starpulse contributing writer