An old man, a crazy chick, a country boy, a surfer dude and a maggot walk into a bar. The old man leaves to visit the tanning bed, while the crazy chick opts for Glamour Shots. The country boy grabs a guitar and hops a plane to Nashville, while the surfer dude buys everyone a round of shots, and starts spouting about color wheels and folding card tables. The maggot? Well, he gets a shave and climbs back under his rock....voteless.  

We begin the Survivor season finale with short Survivor snippets on the final five: Dan, Holly, Sash, Chase and Fabio. The alliance of three (Chase, Holly and Sash) seems to be pretty solid, but golden boy Fabio has become the King of Immunity Idols overnight, and is a force to be reckoned with. Dan is hanging in there, but it's quite obvious that without an alliance, or a strong lead in the strength department, his days are clearly numbered.

The first Immunity Challenge involves answering questions about Nicaragua and untying the correct bag next to the correct answer on the wooden Q & A posts. Once tribe members have collected three bags, they may begin solving a puzzle with the puzzle pieces found in the correct bags. First tribe member to correctly solve the puzzle wins immunity (Note to self: invest in jigsaws for my two daughters and train them hardcore every night. $1M will await me as I enter my golden years and send them to the jungle for Survivor 87).

Holly, Chase and Sash are zooming through those questions. They were probably geography honor students or something in school, while Dan is moving about as fast as my five year old (hint: not very fast), and Fabio answers one question wrong, setting him back quite a bit. Luckily, none of them are all that fantastic at fitting together those silly puzzle pieces, so the golden-haired King flies through that portion of the challenge and emerges the Immunity Idol winner once again.

So who goes home? Dan, right? Not if Fabio can help it. He tries his best to sway Sash and Chase over to his side and repeatedly argues that Holly is the bigger threat. Does it work? Not hardly. Dan is sent packing, and he must have stopped off for a little hatorade before looking straight into the camera and hostilely attacking Sash for voting him right out of the game. Where was that spark earlier, Dan? Maybe you should have used a bit of it in the hours before Tribal Council instead of depending on Fabio alone to save your ass.

The next 15 minutes or so are spent on the Rites of Passage tour as Holly bumbles on and on about what a huge responsibility it will be for her to properly honor her fallen tribe mates as she is the last old person left standing. I took the opportunity to make some nachos and play a game of Online Scrabble before settling back in for the stuff that actually matters.

On to the next Immunity Challenge in which the final four must stand completely still and hold a sword balanced on a shield while stacking different sized special made Survivor coins onto the top handle of the sword. Last person left standing without dropping any coins, wins immunity. Holly and Chase screw up pretty early, and we are left with the ultimate battle of good vs. evil. Fabio's coins look drunk and unsteady, while Sash's little stack looks almost glued down, they're so perfect. While not the most exciting thing I've ever seen, my heart sped up a notch or two while observing this final showdown. I don't know if it's because I'm a perpetual underdog cheerleader, or if it was because I was afraid that Sash would invest his $1 million prize money and grow it to phenomenal amounts and eventually buy the entire world and force us to engage in all sorts of painful, evil, scary debauchery. I think the latter. In a sudden move, Sash's coins clatter to the floor, and FABIO WINS IMMUNITY. Fist pumps everywhere.

Back at camp, Sash begins his evil kiss-ass game. It's almost kind of sad that he thinks he is fooling anyone at this point. He starts waxing poetic to Fabio about their BFF bond, claiming that he would have definitely taken Fabio to the end had he won immunity. Fabio strings him along, rolls his eyes, and moves on to Chase, who is a little bit more honest, admitting to Fabio that he would have voted him off the island had he not won the little coin-stacking challenge.

I don't believe that Fabio is truly interested in talking to Holly as he has wanted her out for about the past 34 episodes, but he listens to her little speech anyway, which I personally thought was pretty honest and sincere and a long way from the crazy pants Holly that we saw in early days. She calls out Sash as a huge threat, stating that he is dangerous. True, but not really, in my opinion. He WAS dangerous. Now everyone is on to him, so I think Sash should definitely be in the running at the end. After all, who's gonna vote for him?

Seems as though Fabio is following my way of thinking and has Sash and Chase firmly in his corner as Holly is voted out at Tribal Council. She leaves with a lot of class, and I find myself wondering what types of crazy pills the Survivor doctors gave her to level out her brain cells. I want some.

After a celebratory evening, a breakfast of champagne, and the traditional torching of the camp, the 3 finalists head off for their final face-off in front of the jury- the dreaded Q & A session. Their opening statements are less than brilliant, with Chase repeating his “bring it” mantra and Sash overusing the term “outwit, outlast, and outplay” to the point that I want to bash my head into the wall and poke my eyes out with bicycle spokes. The only honest, albeit crappy, response was Fabio’s, who claimed that he would “have a lot of fun” with $1M.

The jury questions were a bit disappointing but I did enjoy Marty’s “dumber than a bag of hammers award” concept. I was gearing myself up for some big epic speech by Jane, but I was completely let down by 1) her appearance and 2) her river rat analogy. I didn’t even understand it plus she slurred her words around so much I wasn’t sure if she was saying river rat, or reverie, or Reverend Run. Don’t drink before Tribal, people!

Before you know it, the voting is over and we see Jeff Probst running off with the votes only to reappear a few seconds later in the middle of a Hollywood sound studio. Fabio has cut his hair, Chase looks almost the same, and Sash has shaved that raggedy beard and plumped up by about 30 or 40 lbs. Wow.

 The votes are tallied by Jeff, and Fabio emerges as $1 million bucks richer, or at least half a mil richer after Uncle Sam grabs his share. My husband and I high five. I am pleased that the evil maggot didn’t win. I am so elated that paranoid schizophrenic Chase will not reap the rewards of the Sole Survivor. It’s golden boy Fabio, aka Jud the Stud. I’ve been intrigued by him for the past few weeks, as you might know. I’ve been wondering if his dumb blonde routine was simply an act, a magnificent ruse meant to further him in the game. A brilliant and skillful acting job that rivals Tom Hanks or Johnny Depp. I knew that I was about to enjoy an hour long Reunion Show that would reveal all of Fabio’s clever schemes. Barely 5 minutes have passed, and Probst asks him the very question I’ve been dying to ask…”is it all an act, Fabio? Are you really a little goofy or was it an act?”

I wait with baited breath. I can’t wait to hear the words of wisdom spill from King Immunity Idol’s mouth. And then..he smiles, looks innocently at Probst, and says, ”My great-great-grandfather invented the color wheel.”

Oh. My.

In other news, Jane won fan favorite. Chase sang a song. And there’s some goofy twist next season that will give castoffs another shot. So long, Survivor: Nicaragua.