My commitment to my favorite television shows is akin to marriage.  I make sacrifices for it (my Friday nights to start); I forgive it when it angers me; I support it through thick and thin, sickness and sweeps.  So an episode like “Season 7, Time For A Wedding” is a premise after my own heart:  Becky, a spritely, obsessive fan of the prophet Chuck Shurley “Supernatural” book series (and a foil for "Supernatural's" more passionate fans), married Sam Winchester, the man of her dreams.  Can you blame her? 

The episode began with Dean Winchester flirting with a waitress at a strip club.  I firmly believe that Dean’s heaven would be a kinky labyrinth of strip clubs with at least 100 different beers on tap, so it’s odd to find him angsting with the help and not making it rain for a stripper named Bubbles.  The blonde waitress, who’s “in grad school,” is intelligent enough to find Dean irresistible, and didn’t mind flirting off the clock.  Dean regarded Sam’s recovery as “a freakin’ miracle” until Sam decided to go camping during the Winchesters’ “sacred annual trip to Vegas” and now worried that he’d “gone Guano.”   

I’ve always loved Sam for staying true to his “granola-crunching,” salad-loving geeky nature, but I really want to crack him upside the damaged noggin for ditching Dean during their traditional week of debauchery and bonding.  If anyone deserves a vacation of yard-long margaritas, gambling and luxury buffets, it’s Dean Winchester. 

Sam had been overtaken by the wildness of Vegas in entirely different ways and texted Dean to meet him.  Dean arrived in a suit normally used as his FBI disguise and cautiously, gun-drawn at the flickering light, approached the closed, gold-frosted doors.  Sam opened it, a pink carnation pinned to his lapel and his face blown wide open with bliss. “I’m in love, and I’m getting married.”  The building was actually an incredibly tacky and rundown Vegas chapel—the perfect place for a Winchester wedding.  On any other television show, this wouldn’t seem so strange, but on “Supernatural,” it’s downright bizarre.  The bride, cleverly swathed in 18 layers of tulle, marched down the aisle and became Mrs. Samuel Winchester.  Lucky witch.

My reason for loving the “Supernatural” production staff came immediately after Sam’s matrimonial declaration.  The new title card for the episode was a black and white wedding cake that exploded along with the Leviathan-black goo.  Delicious and evil! 

“You want her to ask for my hand?” Sam scoffed as Dean tried not to panic or fasten his brother into a straight-jacket and balked that Becky should have asked permission to marry his brother.  And I can literally hear the fangirls swooning and screaming with delight while making effigies of Becky Rosen (Refresher—we last saw Becky in Season 5's “The Real Ghostbusters” another fourth wall-breaking episode where she began dating Chuck Shurley).

As soon as Sam's bride left, Dean hysterically exploded, questioning the timing of the marriage and posed that Becky, who dated an all-seeing prophet, already knew where Sam would be.  It was apparent to everyone but Sam that she had cooked up a plan to land her man. Sam was blinded by “love” and wanted Dean’s support.  

If I had just married an adorably-dimpled, six-four, chiseled sexpot like Sam Winchester, I’d fly to a European nude beach to have my way with him.  Becky, the oddest of ducks, headed back to rainy Pine Creek, Delaware to RSVP for her 10 year high school reunion and to parade her new husband to one of the mean girls who'd bullied her in high school.  She also met with her BFF Guy (Leslie Odom, Jr.) who seemed a little awed by Sam’s presence.  At first viewing I thought Guy, an event planner and Wiccan, was also marveling at Sam’s overall scrumptiousness, but in hindsight, he was a little scared about the hunter’s proximity to his evil operation.  Guy slipped Becky a bottle of purple elixir, and sent Becky on her married way. 

If it wasn’t obvious that Sam—who seemed more like a lovesick slave eager to do whatever Becky wanted—had been dosed with a love potion, it was definitely clear during Sam and Becky’s romantic dinner of store-bought rotisserie chicken when Sam began to snap out of his stupor and had no idea what had happened.  Becky literally poured more potion down his throat to re-activate the spell.  I didn’t blame her for her treachery until now.  She couldn’t even make a homecooked meal for her new husband?! For shame.

Dean arrived, brandishing a waffle-maker as a wedding gift and a peace-offering.  He also used a new case with as a way to lure Sam away from his new wife.  “The score is guy wins the power ball, gets squished by a truck.  The second guy went from the bench to the majors, and one week later his face was the catcher’s mit.”  But Mr. and Mrs. Winchester were already working that case in Becky’s magenta, flower-infested bedroom.

Dean knew that she was involved in the mysterious deaths and she was in danger, “because people who do get their fantasies end up dead pretty quick.” Smitten Sammy leapt to protect his new bride’s honor, “Maybe that’s what’s bugging you, that I’m moving on.  You took care of me, and that’s great, but I don’t need you anymore.”  That was the meanest and fastest way to shut him up.  Dean didn’t believe any of it, and left attack the case in a new way, which meant getting a new partner. 

It’s my job to truthfully critique episodes of “Supernatural” and I take it seriously, so I must confess I have very little to add about DJ Qualls guest-starring role as a Garth, a scrawny, clueless hunter.  Judging by his bland and befuddled line-delivery, I think he had no idea what the show was about and was just glad that to be working as his show, TNT’s “Memphis Beat,” was cancelled last month.  Garth’s presence as Dean’s "temp" partner was unnecessary too.  After interviewing an entry-level salesman just named CEO of an insurance company and his wife was gunniing for a role on “The Real Housewives of Delaware,” Dean deduced that a crossroads demon had circumvented the ten-year contract and collected the souls a week later after the hosts died “accidentally.”

Meanwhile, Becky’s second bottle of love potion wasn’t as potent as the first and Sam was assaulted with the pain caused by it wearing off.  Desperate, Becky clobbered him with their one-and-only wedding gift of the non-stick waffle-maker, carted him to a lakeside cabin and tied him up, “Misery”-style.  Sam awoke, clear-headed and irate at being poisoned and pants-less. Becky fussed over him, asked him if he felt “concussion-y” or needed a bottle to “tinkle.”  Becky's certifiable, but I admire her dedication.

Frantic, she skyped Guy and arranged a meeting for more to get more love potion.  “This isn’t the honeymoon I had in mind.  Do you know we haven’t even consummated our marriage?  We’re taking it slow because true love lasts forever, but everything feels weird now.” 

Sam had recovered enough to warn Becky that Guy was responsible for the strange deaths in town and likened him to a drug dealer.  She scoffed, “He’s just a wiccan.  Wiccans are good, like Glenda of Oz.  It wouldn’t even work unless you already loved me deep down.  It just activates it.”  Poor, delusional Becky.  Is it wrong that I want her to die bloody just because she’s a moron?  Then, I beheld Guy in his silver-tongued glory and I’m not sure I would've been able to decline.  He was disarmingly charismatic, even while being insulting.  “You’re so pathetic, it actually loops back around again to cute.”  Becky, who was almost as well-versed with the “Supernatural” universe yours truly, realized that Guy was a crossroads demon and a busy one at that. “I love reunions, the desperation.  These schlubs will sign on the dotted line for money, power, hair—whatever it takes to impress the nostalgically bangable head cheerleader.”  Guy continued with the hard-sell, because she was “special” and offered her Sam’s undying love for the next 25 years for low, low price of her soul. 

Becky returned to talk to a hog-tied and gagged Sam.  She confessed that she wanted to show Sam off at her reunion, because he was “tall and nice and they’d all think that I was happy.”  Becky had felt like a loser for most of her life, especially after Chuck broke up with her, and she just wanted someone to love her.  It was clear, when she doodled “Sam and Becky Winchester” with hearts in flowers in her journal while Sam was in the next room, that she had fallen head-over-heels with the idea of love and the notion of inserting herself into the dangerous, angsty, adventurous “Supernatural” world because it was better than her lonely, little life.  She's like a crazy, hobbit-sized Taylor Swift.  Even if you don’t agree with her methods, almost anyone could relate to her plight.

I never believed that Becky make the deal.  She lured Guy into an invisible devil’s trap made of a few carefully placed shots of blueberry vodka and revealed by fire.  Guy gloated that he was an “innovator” with a “capable intern” (the albino demon lurking in the shadows at the baseball stadium and the insurance company) to arrange the deadly accidents for him.  Jackson, the handy henchman, arrived to toss Sam, Dean and Garth about while scattering their weapons.  He freed Guy, who took joy in throttling Dean, while Jackson used telekinesis to strangle Sam to keep them both from reciting the exorcism.  It felt like years since I’ve seen a demon on the show.  No one can wallop my boys better than those black-eyed punks. 

Becky joined the fight with the same impish glee she approached dissembling and ganked Jackson.  Sam pulled the magic knife from his body and passed it to Dean, who instead of slicing Guy into bite-sized pieces, tried to free 15 unsuspecting people from their deals.  Crowley (Mark Sheppard) appeared and both Guy and the Winchesters were unnerved by his arrival. Crowley was horrified by Guy’s back-door deals.  “There’s a reason we don’t call our chips in early—consumer confidence.  This isn’t Wall Street!  This is hell.  We have a little something called integrity.”

He made an swap with Sam and Dean.  He graciously obliterated all of Guy’s shoddy deals in exchange for Guy.  The Winchesters were suspicious and then Crowley revealed at least part of his endgame.  As I had predicted, he’d come to loathe the Leviathans after their boss had snubbed the proposal of a partnership, and had ordered all demons to “steer clear” of Sam and Dean so they could concentrate on “squashing” the Leviathans.  Guy is my new favorite character in a few seasons, and I hope to see him gunning for the Winchesters soon. 

They dropped Becky at home to sign annulment papers and to celebrate that their bogus marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s. Sam attempted to give Becky a pep talk, if only to keep her from drugging guys into submission.  I’m not convinced that she learned anything from her dance with demons or that Sam’s encouragement had worked as she stepped away from this quest unscathed and with a somewhat successful hunt under her belt.  I’m not sure if it would be hysterical or horrifying to meet Becky the hunter.     

Sam apologized to Dean for what he said while dosed.  Dean conceded, “for a wackjob, you really pulled it together,” and that little brother was actually an adult.  Sam waved him off, “it’s still a Denver Scramble up here, I just know my way around the plate.”  He was thrilled by Dean’s belated revelation because it meant that Dean could finally take care of himself.  The entire scene was far too cute, especially with the the hint of Padalecki’s Texas twang.  Ackles grounded the episode in its finale seconds with a Winchester grimace, because Dean has no clue how to take care of himself, because he’d been protecting Sam for his entire life. I pray that in future episodes, Sam will show him how. 

Overall, this episode was an mediocre meta-tastic filler that saved by the talent of its actors.  I normally lambast the last act of the show, but Crowley’s appearance actually rescued it from “Ghostfacer”-esque levels of failure.  In an incredibly twisted way, it was sweet to see Sam and Dean partake in brotherly rites of passage, like groom and best man, because without dark magic, they never would. 

What did you think of "Season 7, Time For A Wedding?"  Were you as freaked out by the teaser for next week's fall finale as I was?  Hit up the comments section!