Review 'Noah': Hollywood Takes A Crack At This Biblical Tale
'Noah' written and directed By Darren Aronosfsky ('Black Swan' and 'The Wrestler') is the story of a man named, Noah.
In case you don't know who he is...Here are the cliff notes:
God, aka the Creator, was extremely pissed off at mankind. So God chose Noah (Russell Crow) to build an Arc and rescue two of every species of animal, before he sent an apocalyptic flood to destroy the world.
Can you imagine what the Creator would do now, if he saw what us humans have done to his beautiful planet? But that's another discussion.
Noah, who appears only in a few pages in the Book of Genesis, believes God speaks to him and only him. Sound familiar? In Aronosfsky's film, Noah comes across as a pompous ass - very similar to those self righteous, hateful, right wing evangelists, who strongly believe that they too know what God wants.
Noah informs his loving, intensely emotional wife, Naameh, (Jennifer Connelly) and this three sons - Ham, the rebellious one (Logan Lerman), Sham, the one with great hair (Douglas Booth) and his youngest son Japheth (Leo Carroll) - that he's going to build an Arc, the Creator is going to destroy mankind and only the animals will survive.
Big Bummer, but they seem to go along with the plan, until Sham get the hots for his adopted, barren sister, Ila (Emma Watson) and (SPOILER ALERT) thanks to Noah's great grandfather, Methuselah, (Anthony Hopkins) she becomes pregnant.
Since Noah believes that the Creator wants to end the existence of man, a baby, especially if it's a girl, is definitely not part of the plan.
As I mentioned in my video review, there are a few things that were not mentioned in the Bible.
Seems Noah had some help in the building of the Arc...He borrowed some Transformers from director, Michael Bay. Well actually, they just looked like Transformers.
These creatures were made from rocks and known as the Watchers. Before they were Rock Men, the Watchers were these really pretty balls of light, but they pissed off the Creator and he turned them into something even their own mother wouldn't recognize.
Another little known fact, which would make PETA and the Humane Society quite happy, (as well as myself) was that, Noah and his family were Vegans. They did not consume animals. Only the bad guys did.
And Ray Winstone, who plays Tubal-Cain) a direct descendant from that dude Cain who killed his brother, Abel, consumed large amounts of meat. You see, bad men ate meat, good guys did not.
Tubal knows the flood is coming and he's determined to survive at any cost. He gathers a group of meat eating, bad men to storm the Arc. But first there's a lot of rape and pillaging.
What would a film about the Bible be, without a lot of rape and pillaging?
What else can I say about this so called epic, besides the fact that...I just didn't get it. It just didn't work for me.
For that reason, I gave 'Noah' which opens in IMAX, Friday March 28, 2014, 2 bagels out of 5.
I would love to know what you think about this movie. Perhaps I missed something.
Check out the Two Jews On Film video for more of my thoughts and to see my special guest.