Why do we have to continue to put up with Jack and his utter snoozefest of a storyline? In the course of this episode, he asks Boring French Lady on a date, shows her a silent movie, cock blocks himself, has a boring conversation with Nolan, cries over Amanda’s grave, takes off his wedding ring, and then hooks up with Frenchie. Any of this sound interesting to you? Not to me.

The concept of Revenge promises deliciously soapy storylines from long lost illegitimate gay psychotic sons to weekly badass revenging schemes. So then why is so much time spent on storylines that are weightless bored?

When Emily’s true identity was revealed to Jack, it was the perfect opportunity to bring him into the fold. He could have a place in the main storyline, by helping Emily get her revenge and getting some of his own. Instead he’s relegated to nagging Emily and romancing the bore. I highly doubt there’s a single viewer anticipating Jack’s romance with this new character with no personality. If he isn’t going to be a part of Emily’s story, then why is he there?

The other dragging plotlines are at least somewhat connected to Emily’s larger scheme. The magazine is connected to Emily’s wedding and now to uncovering the real Conrad Grayson. Sarah, Daniel’s supposedly crippled ex-girlfriend, is around to throw a wrench in Emily’s wedding plans and to make Daniel look less like a cuckold. Even Charlotte is dead set on ruining the wedding.

The show is truly at its best when it centers on a revenge of the week. This week Nolan gets to expel his wrath on Bizzy Preston, Conrad’s new publicist. Ten years before, Bizzy outed Nolan to the press to save a pop star named Sage from rumors of their romantic entanglement. (In related news, Nolan hooked up with Sage when he was still Nerdy Nolan, not Rich Nolan. Dude’s got game.) Nolan’s father cut him off and then died before being able to reunite. Yeah, she definitely deserves to get taken down.

Unfortunately, the take down isn’t that glorious, as Nolan basically explains to Bizzy that all her clients will be dumping her and that she exists solely to help Nolan out in the future. It’s way more fun to watch the humiliation first hand. Anyway, Bizzy will probably be back to plant a story for Emily and her Revenging Crew like some sort of Rita Skeeter. Which is awesome because she’s played by Ugly Betty’s Ana Ortiz, who has proven to be a great comedic actress.

Another plotline that didn’t live up to its potential was Victoria’s effort to get Aiden to seduce Emily. This is one of those types of plots that turns me into a giddy mess. Aiden would need to pretend to not be with Emily, while pretending to seduce her. It reminds me of when Emily and Aiden fake broke up in front of Daniel in an effort to get him back. Too bad it doesn’t work out as planned. Daniel doesn’t really care that Emily is talking to Aiden (he’s too busy mooning over not-crippled Sarah) and Victoria loses interest in favor of trying to get Sarah and Daniel together, at least long enough to end the wedding. It could have been a fun few scenes. Instead we got to see Jack finally take off his wedding ring. Oh joy.

Other Musings:

  • Charlotte’s hatred of Emily continues to make no sense. Especially if you watched season 2 and remember how much Emily supported her.
  • In the first few minutes we see how Emily and Aiden are going to fake her death. She’s upset she’ll never see her sister or Nolan again. (She omits Jack’s name either because Aiden is there or because she realizes he sucks.)
  • Conrad hires Bizzy to help the family not look like murderers, thieves and assholes. Good luck, Bizzy!
  • It’s frustrating to see Jack and Boring Frenchie try to be charming. They have no chemistry.
  • Another plot that didn’t go anywhere was Emily and her “first husband.” Hopefully this will end up going somewhere in the future, because there’s a lot of potential for fun there.
  • The addition of Sarah is yet another reason to go to the bar. Not great.
  • Daniel wants his ex girlfriend to make his wedding cake. This is a terrible idea.
  • Emily calls Nolan grandpa because of his glasses. So cute.
  • Emily and Nolan have a moment when they talk about how he’s grown and standing up for himself. “I’ve learned a lot from you, Ems.” Their separation will be painful.
  • Emily/Nolan/Aiden in the car, smirking at each other is so perfect. They are so beautifully smug.
  • WHY would Sarah go to Victoria’s party? Dumb.
  • Charlotte wants Sarah and Daniel to get back together. DUMB.
  • Nolan makes Bizzy wear his granny glasses, which have a recording device in them so he can read her pass code. Chekov’s glasses
  • Daniel tries to kiss Sarah. Emily finds out and her reaction is akin to finding out she has to take her car in to be serviced.