I don’t know if you can move over from a place that you haven’t actually been at.
Okay, I see. Oh, that’s right. Yes so good thing I didn’t start up over at the other place. But shouldn’t people just know me by now? Shouldn’t I be too much of a household name to need a Myspace page? Shouldn’t my fans, as obnoxious celebrities like to call their followers, have already made different Myspace pages for me?

Yes, but how will they ever have you leaving comments for them or them leaving comments for you?
No, there would be someone who would be like a fan club president making up stuff.

Saying the sort of things that you would say?
Saying the sort of things that I would say, exactly. I wouldn’t like direct involvement because I’m busy avoiding my obligations. I need to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.

What picture is that?
I’m not really sure. I’m thinking of like a mural maybe or a translight. That’s what I’m hoping for. In other words, what I’m thinking is how is the Andy Kindler brand going to go international? I’m trying to make the Andy Kindler brand international.

So, what have you been doing to make it go international?
Nothing. I’m hoping it just kind of goes viral. Isn’t that an expression the kids use?

Yes.
I’m hoping the Andy Kindler brand goes viral. Maybe booking something outside the country would help? That’s my first step.

Where outside the country were you thinking?
I've been to London and they love me there. Montreal Just for Laughs Festival.

How about Australia?
I thought about doing that one-year, but you have to go for like three weeks and that’s a long time. It’s a seven-week plane ride. If I was 18 maybe I would do it. But people go to Edinburgh, Scotland and they say it can be good, but if you’re at the wrong venue then no one sees you. Plus, I don’t want to go out of the country too long because I might miss something.

What sort of things do you think you might miss?
Like an audition for a voice over. Business opportunities.

I thought you meant like some sort of catastrophic event or embarrassment could happen over here.
No, no. I would like to cause an international incident. I really would.

Well, Starpulse is read all over the world.
Is it really?

Yes.
So, where do you think this can lead?

This can lead to an incident.
Oh, okay. I’ll say to you right now that outer Mongolia can kiss my ass. Greenland, I don’t think so. More like Brownland! More like…more like… I don’t have all the material yet, but when I do I will cause an international incident. Maybe I could just get injured in another country, would that be considered incidental? I often say my act, "Incidentally such and such." My father uses the term “parenthetically” which I’m amazed at.

What sort of context does he use that in?
He said, "I was trying to write a letter today. Parenthetically, I’ve been using new pens."

It seems like the air quote but with words.
Right, it is like the air quote. By the way I just invented a new Wii type game it’s like Guitar Hero Wii but it’s Air Quotes.

I hear some beeping and booping in the background. Are you playing the Wii right now?
No, someone is trying to call me because of my busy show business life. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on, Ben. You know, normally I wouldn’t be able to devote seven hours to this interview like I have. Because normally I have stuff going on all the time.

Well, I will make this.
No, I didn’t mean that as a cutoff. You took that the wrong way. I did not mean that as it came out. I just have general bitterness and anger that’s drifted over into our conversation.

Oh, okay. So I will make this the last question.
See, see what happens, I’ve made you feel bad now. I’ve ruined our relationship.

Not at all! It's just a perfect segue to a good last question, which is what have you got coming up?
Oh man, you really know how to launch me those soft balls don’t you?

Yes.
Did I mention I’m going to be on Root of All Evil, two episodes, Wednesdays on Comedy Central at 10:30, so there will be another episode coming up maybe it’ll be concurrent with my Comix run. And then hopefully I’m going to do another Late Show piece, did you see when I almost broke my back? Go on the Late Show website and you’ll see me at a Toy Fair. I go flying off a pogo stick. And yes, you laugh now, but I almost hurt my back. And then my wife took a picture of the bruise and the bruise is unbelievably horrible and it’s not been doctored. So, go under comedy clips.

I see that someone has illegally uploaded it.
On Youtube?

Yes.
And then, in May, I am touring on a tour called “Stand Uppity”. Stand Uppity: comedy that makes you feel better about yourself and superior to others along with the comedy stylings of Eugene Mirman and Marc Maron. We will be doing a whirlwind ten-day tour.

Where can people find out more about this?
Eventually there will be a StandUppity.com. Then maybe it will be on Myspace, Facebook, and BeBo. Are you a member of Be Bo?

I don't even know what it is.
Big News. AOL spent $850 million on it. It’s big in New Zealand and overseas. If people just look up Stand Uppity by the time this article comes out there will be many different ways to buy tickets. We’re trying to take our show to the Hinterlands, those are the places that don’t normally get to see comedy. A lot of people say, "When do I get to see Andy Kindler?" In Newport, Kentucky for example, and Seattle, Santa Barbara, or San Francisco. "How do I get to see him?" they say. And this is how we do it. With our big tour.

I saw that you were on Big Shot Live .
Oh, that’s a web thing. Don’t promote that. Keep that low. That's a show where it’s like I’m playing a fake manager and it’s a web thing. I’m hoping to go down. A lot of people are trying to get bigger and I’m trying to get smaller. I’m actually in negotiation now with a dial up company. I’m making Mopisodes. What is a Mobisode?

Shows made for cell phones.
It’s for a cell phone and dial up company. I’ve also just signed a contract with Rabbit Ear International. For people that get to see their TV through rabbit ears.

Now what about the DVD?
The DVD is in its final completion phases. I just finished the bonus audio commentary, and that’s me commenting on me doing comedy. We’re finishing up the artwork and we’re doing it with a committee. It serves art by committee. That would be a hilarious joke in the fine art world. My wife directed the DVD and it's coming out through own record company called Big Phony Studios. I married her because of her directing abilities.

And her skills as a photographer.
And her skills as a photographer. And it’s coming out soon. I’ve been threatening that it was going to be coming out for months and years. People by this point are disgusted. And did I also mention it’s Blue Ray?

No.
It’s not on Blue Ray.

Now when this DVD comes out I’d like to call dibs on an interview.
Absolutely. How will we remember this?

Well, we can record the whole thing and put it on the internet.

Interview by Ben Kharakh
Starpulse.com contributing writer

Photos by Susan Maljan