UWE BOLL
Uwe Boll has made a career of making horrendously bad video games. The director claims to be a video game fan, but his big-screen adaptations make real fans sigh in disgust. These movies get their own section because not only are they worse than the "bad" movies, they're all made by the same man.


House of the Dead
Just because zombies are featured in a film does not make this an adaptation to anything close to the video game franchise. A few naked chicks were added in to desperately give the audience some entertainment, but the “island rave and zombies complete with game footage to remind you what this is very loosely-based off of” formula just doesn’t work.

House of the Dead Trailer



Alone in the Dark
The game series is a brilliant adventure set with gruesome monsters. The movie indeed has monsters in it – and we’re not talking about Christian Slater, Tara Reid, nor Stephen Dorff (rim shot!). However, this crapfest spawned a brilliant piece by the original writer as he explained his awesome, H.P. Lovecraft-esque dramatic work – and how it was ultimately perverted into a crappy action film by multiple rewrites - read it here. Apparently Tara Reid was so bad that Boll cut all of her scenes from the latest DVD version himself. The sad part is that the latest Alone in the Dark game was supposed to be released with the movie, and what finally released years later still reeks of the schlocky action smell.




Alone in the Dark in Two Minutes



BloodRayne
If you need a reason to see this insanely-bad film, here are two: Michael Madsen’s ridiculous mullet hairpiece and irrefutable evidence that Uwe Boll can make even Ben Kingsley a horrible, wooden actor. The DVD set comes with a copy of the video game, so at least it comes with an example of a proper execution of a storyline.




Bloodrayne Movie Trailer



In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
On one hand, this film actually stays rather close to the video game’s story. Unfortunately, the story of Dungeon Siege is basically “your farm has been burned down. Exact revenge!” Jason Statham plays a farmer named Farmer, John Rhys-Davies appears to drive home the Lord of the Rings rip-off, and Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds appear in ridiculous costumes while chewing up scenery. This is probably the most fun you can have out of an Uwe Boll film, although it will be at the film’s expense.




In The Name Of The King Trailer



Postal
There are two types of tasteless humor: humor that doesn’t mind crossing into tasteless territory but doesn’t need it and ‘humor’ that tries to be as tasteless as possible in hopes that someone actually finds it funny. "Postal" is most certainly in the latter, with the rest of the "Movie" movies. Other than the fact that Dave Foley and Zack Ward got paid, there are no other positives to mention.




Postal Trailer



Story by Casey Johnson
Starpulse.com contributing writer