6. Help Others

…And by 'others' we mean your fans. Spare us a sequel to Evan Almighty, Steve Carell. And Hugh Jackman - you may be the sexiest man of 2008, but we haven't forgotten the horror that was "Viva Laughlin." Speaking of fans, in light of his recent conviction, Akon should resolve to stop throwing his offstage.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon should help us all by taking it down a notch (or four). After dating for less than two months, the crazy cougar and fame-hungry rapper/actor/comedian/wannabe subjected the public to vomit-inducing matrimonial photos, sickeningly saccharine quotations, "I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me," and unsolicited details about their intimacy. Since asking them to resolve not to reproduce is just cruel we'll simply tell them that their PDAs are TMI. Give us a break in '09, lovebirds.