Nigel is back for SLC as well as Mary Murphy and (yay yay yaaaaay!) Mia Michaels. I cannot wait to see what she does to the awful dancers. She's the perfect drug for a cruel person that can't dish it out. Just sayin'.

Brian the B-boy is the first dancer shown tearing up the floor outside the theater. He's the one you saw flipping in the air during the promo - that flip included quick running in midair. He's got unique and strong moves that involve a lot of bending and unique positions - like straddling the ground and balancing on one arm as he rotates. His creative moves were different than other B-boys this season thus far, but great solos do not America's Best Dancer make. Great range is what it's taken so far. He's going on to choreography, which causes a small riot in my apartment, and quits after 15 minutes of learning choreography! For shame.

The craziest sob story of the season was Tristy. She was in 25 car accidents in three years. She was never the driver but sweet jeebus, that's a lot of accidents. Her routine was godawful and she chose the "girl-getting-kicked-off" song from Season 5 "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson so I give her credit for that. But it's ironically fitting. It looked like a 7 year old girl leaping around onstage. Unfortunately, Tristy is 24 and lumpy (sorry, I bet Mia was thinking it too) and lacking all sorts of grace. Her attitude was admirable and I'm sure she's a sweetheart, even though she may need an intervention to get her to stop paying her dance instructor to teach her how to look like a fool. (I'm sure she's a better person than me and I'm awful, but I can out-dance her and my mother is the second coming of Elaine Benes. It wasn't funny, it was ugly)

The next sob story is Hayley, a dancer with an acrobatic background that herniated a disk in the studio one day. Well, you'd never know it now. She hits positions miles away from the previous one with a snap and commitment that other dancers have lacked. She combines unique acrobatic moves (front-handspring into a raised set of the splits!?) and power. The judges note her strength and she infectiously smiles the whole post-routine interview….upside-down in a handstand. In the splits. On to Vegas she goes.

Enter the first montage of good dancers. Megan the rubber band goes into a back scorpion pose, which is absolutely the wrong terminology but just imagine she's in the front splits, then snaps her torso backwards and doesn't die. Genise is a jazz/lyrical machine with a dancer body and a gorgeous face. Love her curly hair and her standing backbend into the floor. Nigel comments on the hot female dancers and holy hell, SLC has a plethora of hotties. And one slutty burlesque dancer that seems to have moles and make-up covering her face and little else covering her body by the end of the routine. Ew, I need to go shower - check another blog for the next 10 minutes of dancers. "Weak and trashy" - Mia. Spot on. She gets put in to choreography by creepy Nigel and Mia's willingness to appreciate all forms of dance. Then goes home.

Ivetta the Lithuanian immigrant and her partner do a nice ballroom with a series of never-ending spins and sparkle. The musicality was superb although it was Celine Dion. She goes to Vegas. No word on her eyebrows' tickets.

Day two begins with an exorcism as Pascal thrashes around on stage. A lot of emoting and just freaking out. He jumps and slams on his backs, rips his shirt off, stomps around stage like an angry and confused tiger and finishes with the worm. Is there no screening process for these auditions? With "American Idol" the producers push the promising talent and hilarious hot messes through to the taped auditions, but here there's no discernible filter process.

The show ends after a flurry of couples give it a go on the Utah stage. Ashleigh and Ryan, the married couple, pop the points of interest in Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" but are a little unimpressive. They're cute but not really whooping ass. Mary interprets this disappointing duet as fake from Ashleigh's performance, which Mia also notes. Ryan gets glowing reviews but as a male partner if there's a random opportunity to showcase the male he doesn't have to do much because so little is normally asked of him - they went to choreography and on to Vegas.

Image © Fox Broadcasting Co.

After them came Leigh and Josh dancing….to Lady Gaga….but "Just Dance" instead. They were prettier. They were snappier. Her hips made me wish she'd been born a boy because there's no way I can do those moves- and I do yoga. Then I saw Josh. He was born a boy and is still better than me. You know the dancers are really good when they make me feel like less of a woman. Leigh capped it by injuring her toe and losing a nail. Great, now I want to be her best friend because she's a BAMF. No pain no gain. I want them to go to Vegas and lose more body parts for the sake of the dance! They've only been dancing together two weeks! Josh moves on to choreography and then heads home while Leigh goes to Vegas. I swear, injure yourself on this show and you get a free ride to the next round.

Finally, the next show moves on to Vegas - yes, it's another audition to get onto the real show, but there'll be no crap dancers. And I get to rip apart the choreography as well as the dancers…because I'm qualified and all…stayed tuned to see if your favorites make it into the top 20!

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Story by Kate Kostal

Starpulse contributing writer