'The Office' Goes To War
Pam and Jim are looking through the leftovers from Andy's wedding deposits. As Jim puts it, "We are going bargain hunting in the haunted grave yard of Andy's love." Andy plays Jim and Pam a recording of his Acco Pella band from college singing "You Can Call Me Al." He expects Pam, not to walk down the isle but to "boogeying" down it. And he expects Jim to pay $9000.00 for the privilege of flying his friends into town, putting them up in hotel rooms and feeding them for three days just so they can sing Pam down the isle. Pam doesn't think it's such a good idea to pay all that money for guys from a college neither she nor Jim attended. Andy is amazed and asks, "Did you not just hear the music I just played for you?" Pam is still holding onto a firm, "No," stance.
Charles has enforced a strict dress code for everyone in the office. Dwight stands in the break room freaking out about his long sleeved shirt. Phyllis asks him about it. He says the sleeves are cutting off circulation to his hands. He asks Phyllis if Charles knows he's compromising his attack readiness. He says it's not a dress code it's a death sentence. Then Charles walks in a says, "Lookin' good." Dwight pretends to be happy and replies, "Kay, thank you." As soon as Charles leaves he flings his arms around wildly and screams, "It's like a straight-jacket!" knocking over everything on the coffee supply stand. Dwight explains that when Michael was in charge of the office it was like the Roman Empire and the Wild West and war-torn Poland and Poland. The office was such a mess no one noticed what he was wearing. And in that mess, he soared.
Michael and Dwight meet at the dumpsters to hold a secret meeting. Dwight gives Michael a folder with a client's information in it and says, "Ed's Tires, thinking of making a change." Dwight acknowledges that it's a small company but it's something. Michael thanks Dwight and tries to give him money, "for his trouble." Dwight says, "I don't need six dollars to help a friend." Then he reminds Michael that he still owes him ten dollars. Michael says, "That was four years ago, let it go."
Andy asks Jim why Pam was being pushy and negative about his wedding suggestions. Jim says it's just because she didn't want a Crucifix cake. Andy says he's concerned about her attitude and that he wonders if Jim and Pam have the kind of relationship that will stand the test of time. Jim says, "It's so scary how right the things you're saying are, and you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course, I trust the things you're saying." Andy tells camera that he knows a lot about love, a lot of very painful things about love. Jim tells camera that he was going to purge his inbox but this is much more important.
Michael tells Pam and Ryan to take their new prospect out to lunch at an Indian food restaurant and tell them they have fewer clients so they can spend more time with them and that they distrust women. Pam says she's not going to do that. Michael agrees that it would be disingenuine. Ryan says he can do it. Michael tells Ryan to take the lead on it and reminds him that the owner just went through a divorce. Then they do the morning cheer. "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly, your Mamma say you ugly. Go Michael Scott Paper Company!" Pam says to camera, "I'm here, I'm part of this now."
Charles calls Dwight into his office and tells him to take a seat. Dwight says he'll stand, less blood clots. Charles says, "That's weird, you'll sit." He tells Dwight he likes his work ethic, that he's very focused. Dwight says, "Yes like a wolf, thank you." Charles wants to make sure that a good work ethic gets noticed. He'd like to give Dwight more responsibility and asks Dwight if he'd like to have a drink with him after work sometime during the week.
Michael calls and asks Dwight to get the numbers on what Dunder Mifflin is charging Mike's Tires so Michael can under-cut them. Dwight says things are changing, quickly and he can't help Michael. He says that a certain new cool guy with a certain Will Smith quality is noticing him and making it hard for him to help an old boss. Michael thinks it's a plot for a new screenplay. Dwight says no. Michael asks if he can use it. Pam and Ryan write a note saying that Dwight is talking about him. Michael asks Dwight if he's talking about a situation like the one they're in. Dwight says he is talking about the situation they're in. Michael says that the old boss would have "dibs" and aks Dwight if he respects "dibs." Dwight says of course he does, he's not a barbarian. Michael tells him to meet him in the spot in twenty minutes.
Jim tells Andy he doesn't know if he can break up with Pam. Andy tells him that he hears Jim saying he can do it. Jim says he relies on Pam throughout the day because he's emotionally needy. Andy says he can rely on him for support, "Let me be your Traveling Pants." Jim chuckles and tries to do a fist bump with Andy but Andy pretends like Jim is trying to punch him and runs his face into Jim's fist. Jim asks if Andy knew he was trying to do a fist bump. Andy pretends like he knew and bumps fists with Jim.
Dwight meets Michael by the dumpsters. He sees Dwight in the long-sleeved shirt and asks, "What's with the shirt?" Dwight pulls at his sleeves and begins to cry. He says, "I'm sorry Michael." Charles appears from behind the dumpster. Michael tells Dwight to run. Charles says, "I want you to stop pestering my sales people and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?" Michael replies, "I understand nothing."
Michael goes back to his office. He's visibly upset. Pam asks him what happened. He says it was a set-up, that Charles was waiting for him. Pam asks again what happened. Michael says, "It's like when a girl asks you to make-out with her and then her boyfriend is there waiting for you with a pee filled balloon." Pam says, "We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened." Michael insists he just did tell her, that someone threw a pee-filled water balloon at him.
Jim walks into the break room and tells him that he blew a sales call. Andy says he does that all the time. Jim says with him it's different, that when he looks in the mirror he doesn't like what he sees. Andy says Jim's body is a ten. Jim says to forget it. Then he gets up and throws his lunch bag across the room. Jim walks over to where it landed and steps on it then leaves the break room. Andy is disturbed and shocked.
Michael calls Dwight and tells him that he's coming after him. He's going after all of his clients and he's going to steal them and then kill them in front of him. Pam chastises him but he waves her off and tells her he's just getting hardcore. He tells Dwight he brought him into this world and he can take him out then gives credit to Bill Cosby for the line and hangs up on Dwight. Dwight immediately calls his biggest client. He can't get him on the phone. Stanley asks if Dwight thinks Michael will go after his biggest client. Dwight says he's not worried. Phyllis says he sounds worried. He says, "And you have bad skin. Oh look everybody we're all making observations!"
Michael calls the same client and tells his assistant that he has tickets to the Wilkesboro Penguins game that weekend and if Mr. Schofeld would like to join him and suddenly Mr. Schofeld is on the line. Michael asks if his daughter made the JV team. Ryan is amazed and says, "Look at that old dude and his Rolodex go." Pam says she spent a month putting all of his Rolodex information on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight. Mr. Schofeld calls Dwight back to tell him he's considering Michael's proposal. Dwight tells camera he is pitted against his old Master for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. "So it's not exactly like 'Highlander' but still. Dwight calls Michael and tells him to meet him in the spot. They meet and Dwight asks for a truce. Michael says he hopes he's not recording the conversation. Dwight strips down to his underwear to prove he's not wearing a wire. Dwight offers to take Michael and his office out to lunch. They agree and go out to meet him. Dwight calls and says he hit a bear and he's running late. He's really stealing everything from Michael's office. When they get back Dwight calls Michael and tells him he sabotaged him. Michael says, "No we've been robbed. How would you even know? You're stuck in traffic." Ryan writes him a note saying Dwight did it. Michael asks him if he did it. He admits to doing it. Michael says he's going to eat the sandwich he bought for Dwight. Dwight says he knew he would do that so he ordered the worst sandwich on the menu. Michael spits out the bite he took as he admits Dwight is right.
Dwight continues his rage against his old boss by using Michael's Rolodex against him. He tells camera that Michael wrote on the back of the card with his name on it, "Good salesman, better friend." Then shakes his head and shows the camera the card that reads: "Tall, beets."
Michael calls Dwight from Mr. Schofeld's office. Michael walks into Mr. Scholfeld's office and takes him along in his pocket to allow Dwight to hear him as he steals his biggest client. Dwight jumps into his car and races over to Mr. Schofeld's office to try and stop Michael. He arrives and bursts into Mr. Schofeld's office, rudely interrupting. After Dwight and Michael engage in a heated verbal battle in which they list dates of importance such as the time when Mr. Schofeld tried to go with a smaller paper company and was disappointed and Dunder Mifflin saved the day. Michael points out the bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin are going to go out of business and that they have closed two branches already this year while his company has opened one this month alone. Mr. Schofeld asks both men to email him a quote and he'll go with the lowest priced company. Michael shakes on it and thanks him for his time. Dwight thanks him as well and then asks him about his gay son. Mr. Schofeld is horrified. Dwight continues to dig a larger whole for himself. Michael explains to camera that anything highlighted in green means, "Go ahead and not talk about that." And anything highlighted in orange means, "Orange you glad you didn't bring that up." "Basically anything in color is not to be talked about." Ooo burn! Take that Dwight.
Meanwhile Jim has been crying on Andy's shoulder in the hallway because someone hurt his feelings. Andy goes back into the office and tells everyone to be nicer to Jim because he's sensitive. Phyllis tells Andy that Jim is messing with him. Andy looks over at the break room window and sees Jim smiling at him. He's been had. Jim tells Andy that he and Pam are very happy together and that what Angela did to him was a bummer but he'll find love again. Andy tells camera that he learned a lot about himself because of Jim's joke. He wishes the chair were a couch because he could talk all day about it.
Michael reflects on his battle with Dwight and says it was a lot like the Civil War because brother fought brother. But nothing came of it. Then he corrects himself and says that the abolishment of slavery came from the Civil War and that their paper war is not as important. But it's still a war. Pam and Ryan find the dead fish Dwight put into the air vent and things go back to normal at The Michael Scott Paper Company.
In the closing bit Michael, Pam and Ryan stuff as many cheese balls into their mouths as they can fit to see who can fit the most. Ryan wins with 32. Then the phone rings and Michael tries to answer it with a mouth full of cheese balls. Very funny but you had to be there.
The Office stars: Steve Carell / John Krasinski / Jenna Fischer / Rainn Wilson / B.J. Novak / Melora Hardin / Mindy Kaling / Brian Baumgartner / Leslie David Baker / Kate Flannery / Ed Helms / Angela Kinsey / Phyllis Smith
Story by Erin MacMillan-Ramirez
Starpulse contributing writer
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