Dear Celebrities,

I'm sorry, have we met? I know that it's a busy world and all, but I'm starting to feel a bit left out. Who are you people? One day it's all Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, the next day it's like a new breed of vapid celebrities appeared out of nowhere. Did I miss something? Did I sleep through some sort announcement? Reading entertainment news these days feels like watching Caddyshack 2. New characters, same story, shitty movie. I can't work up the interest to do the Wikipedia research myself, so I figured I'd just come right out and ask. Who the Hell are you, again?

Chris Brown
I know you have some anger management issues, so I'll keep this kind. Did you do anything before you beat up a girl? I'm just wondering, because all I know is that one day I read the news and found out that there's this guy who beat up Rihanna, a real celebrity, for some reason. Now whenever I ask anyone who you are, all I get is: "He's that guy who beat up Rihanna, don't you know anything?" Apparently not.

I'm just saying, you might want to break away from this rage-filled girlfriend beater image and do something productive, but then again, that didn't really seem to work out for you to begin with.




Lady Gaga
No matter how many times I see pictures of you, Lady Gaga, I will never be able to describe you or even pick you out of a line up. You've got skin, and some hair. I don't think it's real hair, but you can never tell with these things. I don't know. You have eyes too, I think. You look like an anthropomorphic American Apparel. A collection of fashion accessories cobbled together to mimic the human form. Is that about the gist of it? Is that how you became famous? You're a store that morphed into a person?

You seemed to have materialized out of thin air. I didn't realize that all you had to do to become a pop sensation was show up to sign autographs in a biker hat and white Ray Bans with your nipples falling out. It's impressive that you've managed to skip the "hit music" aspect of musicianship and gone right for stumbling out of Nobu wearing a blue plastic skirt.




Samantha Ronson
Alright, I know that you're connected to Lindsay Lohan in some sort of lesbian-but-not-really-but-really-what? relationship, and I know that you look like Jude Law in a pork-pie hat. I just don't know what you do. I read that you used to be signed to Roc-a-Fella records - quite an accomplishment considering it came before your "met Lindsay Lohan and then became successful" success story. Still, considering people fancy you a musician of some sort, you don't seem to have any, well, music. Even club DJs put out mix CDs.




Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
Seriously. I don't know who you two are. The sad part is that I've actually tried looking into what the two of you have done to warrant getting your pictures taken constantly. All I could muster is that Heidi Montag is rich, and hot, and her boyfriend is a douchebag with perfect teeth and a wispy, spider's nest beard. You also do things like pose with a shotgun on a rental car while campaigning for John McCain or put on bunny ears and go on Easter Egg hunts in front of groups of photographers. I suppose it's pretty amusing trying to watch the two of you scratch at fame and recognition by pandering to the press corps, so carry on, you two. Whoever you are.




In any case, I hope you'll clear things up for me.

Thanks,

Kris King

PS: What the Hell is "The Hills?"

Story by Kris King

Starpulse contributing writer