This week a guy from Techstar comes in to try and sell Michael on a new phone system. Pam fears for her job safety and deters the gentleman from connecting with Michael. She's been stalling him and telling him Michael is not in the office every time he comes in for a meeting. Apparently the new phone system can direct calls straight to sales people and accounting, which accounts for the majority of her job description. The salesman asks to schedule an appointment with Michael. Pam gets his date book out which is emptier than a desert and looks for an available time slot. Suddenly Jim busts into the conversation claiming to be Michael Scott and trying to tell the Techstar guy they don't want a new phone system. Then Michael walks up to see what's going on and Jim does a Fonzi impersonation to Michael. Michael does it back to Jim then Pam gets in on the action. Even Dwight gets in on the fun. This goes on a few more rounds until the Techstar guy gets scared and decides to leave. After the guy is gone Michael laughs and says, "Let's go find someone else to do that to."
The next day is apparently Valentine's Day on the show. So weird to see considering it's March. Michael comes to work amidst Valentine's decorations and a mobile blood van taking donations for a blood drive. We must assume it's in honor of the Valentine's Day massacre. Michael complains to Kevin that he misses Holly. Kevin says he misses Stacey. Michael says it has been four months since he last saw Holly and she is way hotter than Stacey so if Kevin is missing Stacey Michael is hurting way more. Kevin commiserates saying, "I can't even imagine."
It's Pam and Jim's first and only Valentine's Day as fiancés. Jim says, "You're only engaged once, well…" He looks at Pam. She's not laughing. Michael places Pam's Valentine's flowers from Jim on the floor. Pam puts them back on top of her reception desk. Michael is offended by Jim and Pam's general sexiness and decides to throw a lonely-hearts party instead.
Dwight has trained his major blood vessels to retract into his body on command, and also his penis to retract into its self too. Which he does on command, with his clothes on, for the camera. We know he's done it because of the look he gives to the camera. Yes, it's weird writing this. Some things really are visual jokes.
Michael decides to donate blood or as he puts it his, "bodily fluids." He gets a little light headed as he sits down and starts making jokes to the cute woman lying in the other chair. She is already hooked up to an IV and donating as Michael gets stuck with a needle. As the donation begins Michael says, "I feel like a human juice box. Hawaiian Blood Punch. Type Ooocean Spray." Michael makes the mistake of looking at the bag of blood and grossing him out. He asks her to help him think of something other than blood. She immediately says, "A bag." Then she says, "A hat." Michael chimes in, "A hat full of soup." She answers back, "You're cute." Michael asks her what she said and the nurse comes over and says, "You're done." Michael admits that he was so nervous about donating blood he didn't eat for three days then he passes out. When he comes to the girl is gone but she has left one of her pink gloves behind. Michael tries to get the nurse to tell him her name so he can return the glove but she can't give out that information.
Phyllis invites Pam and Jim out to a couples lunch with her and Bob. Jim says, "I've got a lot of work to do, those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves." Pam says, "We're in." And this is why we love this show. You have to be cool enough to know about Mine Sweeper in order to get how cute of a joke that was. And this is also why some people hate this show.
Meanwhile Kelly and Meredith are decorating for the lonely-hearts party. Kelly rips hearts in half and tapes them to the wall. Meredith rips the wings off a cupid and says, "Now it's just a stupid baby." They giggle and continue decorating.
Once at lunch, Bob says to Jim and Pam, "I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass and that other jackass and that new jackass." Phyllis translates, "He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy." Jim nods and says, "Oh yeah I understood." Bob brags about his bowling score of 280 and then Phyllis brings up his score of 70 that he got only once. Pam says Jim was bowling with a size 6 ball, it was sparkly and pink, until a little girl came over and asked for her ball back. Jim defends himself saying that the little girl must have had monstrous hands if he fit in the finger holes. Pam says that in fact Jim has dainty little hands. Bob says if all else fails he can always, "model women's jewelry." They all share a good couple's laugh. Later Bob and Phyllis both go to the bathroom at the same time. Everyone's food arrives and Jim and Pam don't know what the proper food etiquette is for waiting to eat. Jim guesses that it's allowable to eat hot food but since they both ordered cold food they'll just have to wait. Pam mentions that Bob's food is hot and that it looks like the kitchen gave him too many fries. They help themselves to a few to help Bob out. Still later Pam is digging into Bob's steak. She asks if maybe they dined and dashed. Jim says they didn't dine. Pam says she thought they were having a good time. Then they check the bathrooms. No sign of either of them in the men's or women's rooms. They listen in at the handicap/family style bathroom and hear Phyllis and Bob having sex. Once Phyllis and Bob are finished in the bathroom they join Pam and Jim back at the table and start eating their food. Phyllis downs an entire glass of water as they try to remember what they were talking about before they left the table. Bob asks Phyllis if she wants some of his meat. She says yes. He tries to feed her but the bite has a mushroom along for the ride. Phyllis reminds him she doesn't want the mushroom. He says he forgot and gets rid of it for her then feeds her in front of Jim and Pam who are totally disgusted by this whole thing and not afraid to show it. Looks like this might be the first and only couples meal they're going to share.
Michael starts things off at the lonely-hearts party by suggesting that they all share about their worst break-ups and then get over it together. He insults Kelly by reminding her that Ryan is in Thailand most likely having sex with random strangers and then asks Oscar if he'd like to share. Michael says, "I'm sure whatever happened wasn't your fault." Oscar gives him a dirty look. Later he opens up and says, "How do you tell someone something you can barely admit to yourself?" Angela chimes in and says, "What did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it." Oscar says, "I was stupid, I told him." He did open up and the guy said he wasn't gay. Then a week later one of his gay friends told him he saw the same guy dancing in a gay club. Michael says, "Well then it was a happy ending cause he was gay. You should call him." All Oscar can do is shake his head. Angela says her worst break-up was actually two break-ups when she was dating two men and she loved both of them and things went bad and they actually had a duel over her. Oscar says, "Yeah it was Dwight and Andy. We were here." She says no, it was two other guys back when she was living in Ohio, some dudes named John Mark and John Anthony. Can you believe this chick? Oscar can't, he points out to her that she had two sets of men duel over her at two separate times in her life. She acts as if this is the first time she's ever thought of it that way but her look reveals that she probably thinks of it every night before she goes to sleep. Right after she licks all of her cats and dresses them in pajamas with holes cut out for their tails.
Michael asks, "Where's Andy?" Oscar tells him that he made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons so he's just knocking them off one after the other. "I think today he's hot-air ballooning and then later he's got a couple's massage," he says and looks in Angela's direction. Kevin says his worst break was with Stacey. He said, "It was a Sunday. We were reading the paper and I said oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East. And she said, we're done." Michael says they don't need to have a lonely-hearts party. They should have a singles mixer instead. The make fliers and stick them on cars. Oh yeah and there just happens to be a note on the bottom of the note that says: "Found: One glove at Bloodbank." Michael says, "I'm gonna play cupid and shoot my sparrows at unsuspecting victims and they're gonna get hit and say ah, I got hit by cupid's sparrow. Funny little bird but he gets the job done."
Two women arrive. Michael introduces one of them, Lynn, to Kevin. Kevin can't get two words out. Dwight corners the other woman who came in and finds out that she works for a company who makes catalogs for colleges and small businesses. Dwight actually gets turned on by how much paper they use. Kevin tells Lynn that there's a drive-in that plays old movies and Lynn thinks that's cool. Then he says he used to go there with his fiancé but that she dumped him. Then he says he dumped her and tries to act tough, this lasts all of two seconds before he admits that she dumped him. He walks away and says to camera that he blew it. Michael introduces a guy who does dive repair to Meredith who recently had a total hysterectomy, so there's that. He says they all have hope and that's what's important. He hates to see when hope gets crushed. Then he looks at the door and says he thought he heard something. But we all know he's hoping that the girl from the Bloodbank shows up.
Dwight asks Michael why he was looking at the door. He says he met someone while donating blood. Kelly thinks it's so romantic. He says she left her glove behind and he was hoping to give it back to her. Kelly thinks this is even more romantic. Michael says it's nothing that they were laying next to one another and maybe their blood bags touched. Meredith thinks that she could be his soul mate but Dwight thinks it's impossible considering how many people are on the planet and you have to factor out the Asians, it's just not mathematically possible. A really cute, shy girl arrives late and asks, "Is this the party?" Michael looks up hoping it's the girl from the Bloodbank, it's not. He says, "No," and she walks away with her head down. Smart Michael, real smart.
After the party Kevin apologizes to Lynn for not talking more he just gets really nervous around pretty girls. She blushes at this. He says, "Seriously feel how sweaty my hand is." She does and admits, "That's really sweaty." Then he asks if she has email. She says yes and gives him her email address. After she leaves Kevin says to camera, "Good Valentine's."
Dwight's victim decides to leave. He tries to get a firm commitment on a paper sale and blows both the sale and any chance at date. Michael tells everyone that if they want to go they can but they all choose to stay a little longer just to see if glove girl shows up. After it gets dark Kelly says it's time to go home. They all leave together.
Michael says it's been four months since he even considered dating someone again. He says, "Sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, it's about whether the prince picks up the slipper at all." He thinks there's lots of women out there with lots of different sizes of hands and feet so he thinks his chances are pretty good. We're rooting for him.
In the last bit Stanley tries to score a cookie without giving blood. He claims he gave earlier and he's still feeling woozy. The nurse totally busts him by saying, "That's weird we've been using band-aids with gauze and you have tape with gauze." He leaves just as Phyllis is entering the van with her fake tape and gauze play. Foiled, drat. Then Creed leaves with a blood bag stuffed into his coat pocket. We don't want to know, really.
The Office stars: Steve Carell
/ John Krasinski
/ Jenna Fischer
/ Rainn Wilson
/ B.J. Novak
/ Melora Hardin
/ Mindy Kaling
/ Brian Baumgartner
/ Leslie David Baker
/ Kate Flannery
/ Ed Helms
/ Angela Kinsey
/ Phyllis Smith
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Story by Erin MacMillan-Ramirez
Starpulse contributing writer