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'The Hills' Finale: A Farewell To Blondes

May 13th, 2008 9:28am EDT
The HillsThis mini-season of The Hills came to a close last night, and my grade would be a C+. The highlights of this season - Kelly Cutrone, Kelly Cutrone, and more Kelly Cutrone. The lowlights - Stephanie Pratt, Spencer Pratt, the complete Barbie-fication of Heidi, and LC's lackluster turn as a jobless, student-less, sometimes heartless reality celeb.

It's almost as if the Paris Hilton syndrome infected the "Hills" stars this mini season. Symptoms of the Paris Hilton syndrome include a complete lack of purpose, no will or drive to succeed, and an especially cavalier attitude towards life when millions come your way and will continue to come your way.

Most of the characters, and yes I do say characters, phoned it in this season because their purpose for being is not their jobs, internships at Teen Vogue, or a new spin at People's Revolution. It's not meeting people in L.A. and finding their way through life. It's navigating screen time on a reality show they've cut their teeth on for three years, and now it's time to get back to reality. After that soap-box soliloquy, let's get down to the finale.

I must start this recap out of sequence. The ridiculousness of Heidi Montag being involved in business decisions with four other men in suits while touring a multi-million dollar property in Las Vegas is on the level of watching Paris Hilton (yes, another Hilton reference) talk about how her vacant eyed disposition is really an act that hides the IQ of a genius. Come on. Brent Bolthouse pimps out Heidi and her "Hills" fame more than that brute Carlos did to Kit and Vivian in Pretty Woman. Sure, Heidi doesn't have to subsist on maraschino cherries at the Blue Banana, but she's certainly on par with dressing up in Rodeo drive clothing and acting the part, except it's Brent Bolthouse instead of Richard Gere and Vegas instead of the Regent Beverly Wilshire.

Strutting about in her tiny skirt and sporting that glacial blonde hair, Heidi took notes as the big boys toured the gorgeous Palazzo property. Here is an exchange between her and Brent.

Brent: "St. Tropez…Heidi, it's your job to research those clubs in Europe."

Heidi: "Okay, uh huh, amazing."
Heidi Montag
This is what it takes to be a high powered player at Bolthouse Productions? I do this daily on my lunch break while gazing out the window and dreaming of frolicking outside with the geese on the lawn. Hire me Brent, please!

As Heidi was letting her brain soak up the corporate experience, Audrina was looking at new living spaces. The spot Audrina found in Hollywood resembled Tom Hanks' penthouse in "Big." Hence, it was big. So big that Audrina has every right to unroll a giant piano and play "Chopsticks" on it with her feet in the wee hours of the night. Which only led me to the next question…how much is Audrina making per ep? And begging the question…if you're making over $10,000 an episode for "The Hills," do you need to fetch coffee still at Epic Records? The discrepancy between making it (on the show) and making it (off the show) rears its bank statement head again.

Back in LC land, many conversations floated over the head of LC as she blithely wondered why Audrina was becoming distant with her and Lo, and why she rarely stopped by the house. Lo's flashing eyes told the whole story, but her ever moving mouth added more. In essence, Lo felt like she wanted to share a big mansion with lots of fun girls who would all be best friends, and Audrina, she thinks, is never going to be that "best friend." As Audrina walked by the side of the house, thereby avoiding a roommate dinner with the girls, the stunned looks on Lo and LC's face revealed the growing rift between all three. And you know what that means in the "Hills" universe…a three camera, well-lit heart to heart between two friends.

Before that could happen, however, we had to watch Heidi fake laugh with Brent and Co. at a swanky lounge at the Palazzo hotel. Did anybody else get the heebie jeebies at that point, feeling as if the three much older, very UN-attractive men were trying to get Heidi drunk and maybe take a spin around Heidiwood later, if you get my drift? Before that could happen, however, Beavis had to arrive in Las Vegas for absolutely no reason because from what I hear these days, people have these things called phones. And better yet, even when you aren't near a stationary phone, I hear there are these things called cell phones as well. And this other thing called the internet. Alas, "The Hills" exists in the prairie farm era, and Beavis had to hitch his wagon and go corral the woman he loves.

Spencer's complete lack of explanation when he leaned into the business group's area and said, "Uh, I need to speak to Heidi," was fabulous. You'd think someone who just flew in unexpectedly from L.A. and interrupted a business deal in Las Vegas would offer a bit more explanation, but when they've all been debriefed beforehand and know their lines and marks, I guess that just makes the scene more clunky. Spencer begged to become a part of "Speidi" again, and of course there couldn't be a single word of resolution.

"The Hills" lives and dies by visual climax and denouement, so instead we got another ridiculous movie moment where Brent Bolthouse waits impatiently by a limo. His company's CEO approaches and says, "Where's Heidi?" Brent calls one last frantic time to no avail. Cut to Heidi and Spencer walking through the Los Angeles airport together, waiting to go home to their abode. I felt like this might be a bit staged too because it seems as if Heidi could have, and probably did, a crazy thing like, oh, called her boss on his cellphone or blackberry or Iphone, or whatever, and said, "Brent, I'm going to catch a flight home with Spencer." I think that would have taken the guesswork out of a situation that didn't really need to have any guesswork.

Now that Heidi and Spencer were reunited, it was time to see if LC and Audrina could find their own simpatico again. As LC wandered into Audrina's living quarters, decorated quite nicely I might add in a very short time, the awkward banter abounded. You could feel a producer, however, goading them along, hissing, "To the point ladies, to the point." LC just came out and asked Audrina what was making them grow apart. Two letters fell out of Audrina's mouth - L-O. We knew that, she knew that, the world knew that. Guess who didn't know that? LC. Her defense was a bit odd, and her unwavering loyalty to Lo felt a bit cult-like. Yes, you have to give Lo some credit for being her best friend for 12 years, but is there ever room in LC's life for more than one friend at a time? That usually doesn't work too well in her universe. As she let tears roll down her cheeks, LC continued to defend Lo, and Audrina continued to sit in silence, saying all we needed to hear in order to wrap up the "Hills" finale.

Next season promises to be 19 episodes of pure, shocking drama. However, since we see these girls in the tabloids and none are pregnant, engaged, married, or moving, what shocking bits of drama are left?

Tiffany Bagster
Story by Tiffany Bagster
Starpulse contributing writer