Let's bow our heads for all the sorry saps who are not able to purchase a Spanish style luxury home in Los Angeles with guest houses for friends and tiki torches illuminating their very own in-ground pool - at age 22. Okay, now that we've acknowledged every person without the last name Olsen, Hilton, Onassis, Kennedy, and Conrad, we can move on.

LC, Lo, and Audrina walked up to their new digs in last night's episode of "The Hills," and wow, they were something to behold - fountains in the front yard, miles of mossy trees hanging over terra cotta bricks, and so on. In the most jaw dropping revelation of the episode, we saw a guest house for Audrina. Really? This place must have at least four bedrooms, so how were we deprived of the intensely awkward conversation where Lo told Audrina thought it would be best for her to live 200 steps behind their own living quarters, almost like a restraining order that requires Audrina to say 500 feet away at all time. Of course, during this declaration LC would be demurely sipping a milkshake, ("I drink YOUR milkshake Audrina!"), and silently repeating, "nice job Lo."

So as our three stars took their tour of the premises and subsequent guest house, you could feel it dawning on Audrina that she had been reduced to the ugly stepsister of the group, a Cinderina. LC and Lo, with one swift move, have left this "Hills" reviewer feeling cold. LC's had her friendship drama before but all of it was precipitated by some events that made the friendship's demise understandable. The ousting of Audrina, and subsequent "mean girl" abuse, has essentially been without provocation. Yes, Audrina might hang out with Heidi once or twice, but this is not a girl who's going to flaunt that or make it uncomfortable for LC. But, as we know with LC, anything that doesn't go according her friendship plan means the friendship is dead. You better be careful, LC, because soon Lo will do her own "no-no," and you'll be forlornly staring out that top story balcony by your lonesome self.

Of course, with a new mansion comes a killer house party, and with the immediate mention of Stephen Colletti Lo's ears perked up and allowed her to proclaim that Stephen and LC's high school romantic legacy was enough to "melt her black heart." But since I'm not feeling all too kind towards LC this week, that high school romance was really LC taking sloppy seconds after Kristin Cavallari fully entranced Stephen and took his heart. So, since LC was down to, hmmm, no one to pine for, it was important for Stephen to show up to this party because without it, we might have missed out on titillating discussions about plants and...plants.

We take this time to break for the two parts of the show that were clearly extras inserted in for the sake of storyline continuity. Stephanie Pratt showed up at a café, where, hey, Spencer sat all by himself on a big leather couch.

"How ya doin Spencer?" she asked.

"I think I have the flu," Spencer non-sensically responded.

Uh, if you are sick with the flu, could maybe you two have talked on the phone or just met up at the apartment you share? Oh wait, you're on location, and the producers had you scheduled from 12-3. That's understandable. Stephanie told Spencer with her wide eyes that she'd be going to LC's party, and as to not insult you "Hills" viewers I will not repeat the obligatory line Spencer said to this bombshell. Spencer, Heidi, and Stephanie should just be replaced by dolls with strings in their backs at this point, and a producer can just sit them in plastic chairs and pull the strings when a saying is needed to set up the next scene. Pull. "Where is your loyalty?" Pull. "Oh my god Spencer, why are you putting me in this position?" Pull. "So, do you think this is okay? If you're coming to me, it means you don't really think it's okay." Pull. "I just want everyone to be friends." Now, somebody go put the dolls in their shoebox.

Back at the party, Brody showed up with his new girlfriend Cora, and it must have brought LC back to her high school days. Brody had become Stephen, and this Cora was the Kristin she could never compete with. Brody, however, demonstrated that he's probably the friendliest of the "Hills" crew and welcomed our very own Justin Bobby with open arms. Yes, Justin Bobby was there, and yes, when Audrina mentioned he was going to show it created one of the most heart-stoppingly awkward pauses between the three housemates yet and made this reviewer want to pull the covers over her head and slowly count to ten. Whew. Justin Bobby, however, has become the hero of this season. After Audrina brought him to the alley behind her guest house and told him her woes, he astutely replied, "If the bull-$#% starts up again, you can't win." Listen to this man, Cinderina!

Stephen walked into the party with all the fanfare of a…well, a Leona Lewis "Bleeding Heart" soundtrack. The urgency of the song told us to really, really, really recognize this was a big, huge, gigantic moment in the lives of Stephen and LC. Stephen, I will say, was always a cutie. He never came off as arrogant or mean, just a good kid who got the best girls and didn't quite know how to juggle the attention. Stephen, a few years out of high school, finally hit puberty, and lost the baby face but not the ten thousand-per-second sideways stares at LC. Although their reunion was less than electrifying, they did manage a post-party date.

By the award show appropriate mini dress LC wore out for her date with Stephen, we knew this meant much more to her than a friendly convo over spaghetti. The desperation in the air was palpable. The bubble over her head read, "Please, please Stephen - Wahler is engaged, Brody is in lust, I've got no one and I'm too lazy to look for another, pleaaaaase." Well, Stephen's pronouncement at dinner, after revealing his mother was very excited at this LC/Stephen reunion, squashed all hope when he said, "Can't she understand that I just want to take out my friend for a platonic dinner and just get reacquainted?" That is a loose translation, but that word "platonic" was used with 100 percent certainty. LC's face dropped, sort of like Audrina's every time they put her down or exclude her in a subtle way. Ooh, doesn't feel so good, does it LC?

Next week seems to be anti climactic as we all know Spencer and Heidi do not stay apart, nor does she assume more responsibility for Brent Bolthouse and in turn move to Las Vegas. However, an episode revolving around a "I AM important and have a very serious job" Heidi promises to be "Hills" gold.

Story by Tiffany Bagster
Starpulse contributing writer