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Low Times Mean Good Times With Andy Kindler, Part 2

April 1st, 2008 2:18pm EDT
Andy KindlerWhere we last left off with Andy Kindler... Okay, I know three verses to "Philadelphia Freedom" and that’s all I know about Philadelphia. "Philadelphia Freedom, I love you. Yes, I do." Do you want to hear my other Philadelphia joke?

Yes.
Philadelphia? Nice cream cheese.

I’m liking it.
Alright, I just want to let people know. A lot of people are wondering, “If I invite Andy to my small po-dunk town will he be able to do jokes about my town, specifically?”

The answer is yes.
Yes, name any city in the country and I’ll do a joke about it. Any city.

Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh. Hey, things must be great around here since the steel industry’s gone.

Juneau.
Juneau? Was this city named after that movie?

San Diego.
San Diego? Could the weather be any nicer here? You people seem nice. I guess it’s because the weather’s so good.

Tempe.
That bastard who runs that club hasn’t booked me, oh I’m sorry I got out of line there. Whew, that’s where I did my Young Comedians special. Tempe, Arizona. "Tempe? More like Permanently.”

Your Young Comedians special is On Demand right now.
It’s On Demand and yet I can’t get a residual for it. Can’t get a residual.

But, what about the writers strike?
I couldn’t get a residual from that either.

How did you feel about the writers strike?
Well, when Jay Leno went off the air, I figured, "Alright, let’s just declare a victory and move on." You know what I mean? "Enough, we’ve done enough." That’s what I thought. And the other thing was that I thought it was strange that they gave certain award shows waivers and some they didn’t. They gave waivers for the Screen Actors Guild Awards and they say because they want to honor the actors. Because the Screen Actors Guild Awards are for people in front of the camera and it’s about time that people in front of the camera got some recognition. I’m so tired of all the costume designers hogging the limelight. The writers strike was very destructive toward me. I had just booked a six episode arc on Carpoolers as the guy in the diamond lane. As the guy in the Carpool lane who put a dummy in the passenger seat. Hilarious. Do you remember the show Carpoolers?

Yes, I interviewed Jerry Minor and TJ Miller.
Both funny people, but the show is gone now because of that writers strike or otherwise I’m sure we’d be drinking out of Carpooler mugs and we’d be fighting over it.

How do you feel about all the sitcom pilots that got axed?
That’s probably a good thing.

Now, how did you feel when they got rid of all the terrible shows that you could have made fun of?
I did feel a loss. I had less to talk and complain about, but then they started teasing American Gladiators. NBC, every second it was “American Gladiators is coming this Saturday American Gladiators, two more days until American Gladiators and” Did you watch the show?

I watched the first one.
What was your take?

I thought that they were trying to manipulate the audience by having a firefighter on.
They wanted him to be pro-firefighter? Oh, he was a firefighter.

Yes.
That wasn’t his weapon of choice.

No.
What do they do on American Gladiators? Do they take like a broomstick with a Scott towel around it? How do they knock each other out?

Exactly. It’s like a giant Q-tip.
And then they fall into a vat?

Yes, of water.
Wow. We’ve come a long way as a society. A lot of people say that we haven’t progressed. I say we’re going backwards.

I was surprised that even though it was first episode that people already had signs to cheer on their favorite Gladiators.
Yes, it’s amazing how quickly people get involved. I also heard that people at the American Gladiators were holding up Soul Patrol banners. You know what Soul Patrol banners refer to?

No.
Taylor Hicks from American Idol.

Ah.
Where have you been living, under a rock? He’s one of the winners of American Idol. He was a white guy that sang blues and soul, so the people who liked him considered themselves part of the Soul Patrol.

Ah. Makes sense now.
Does it make sense?

Not really. You said we’re going backwards because we’ve got Gladiators back on TV. Gladiators used to fight to the death and I see fights to the death ala Running Man as something that’s going to one day be on TV. What do you think?
I would love it. In fact on The Root of All Evil later on I will be arguing that Fox will one day have a show that is called “Snuff Said”, where people volunteer to be killed on film.

But there’s got to be some shows in between what we’ve got now and death on TV.
I think you’d have like some kind of Maimathon. A Maim Show. Instead of a game show it would be a Maim Show. Many years ago I pitched this show and no one bought it. It was called Malarious. You put comedians on a Malaria infested island and as they’re dying, you rate them on their jokes.

Do you like to put comedians in those sort of fish out of water situations?
That’s what's so great about those shows like Last Comic Standing: the main thing that I think of when I see stand up comedy is, "How can we make this look cheaper?"

They could probably stand to cheapen it even more.
Yes, I’ve always said that you should have comics performing in huge cans of baked beans or something. Or how Nickelodeon has that slime time? Maybe something like that. You don’t like the joke, and you have one of those things where you hit a guy and he falls into a duck tank. Is it a duck tank or a dunk tank?

I think Dunk.
D-U-C-K?

D-U-N-K.
I say that it should be a duck tank.

So it’s filled with ducks? Live or?
I think initially live and then we’ll play it by ear.

Now, you’ve got a few shows coming up yourself, including at Comix in New York.
Yes. The city is already a buzz about it. I’m getting a lot of emails on my fictional Myspace page about it.

What are they not saying to you?
They’re not saying, “Can’t wait for you to get to town, Andy. Boy is that going to be great. How much longer?” If you go to Times Square right now they’re doing a countdown clock to my appearance at Comix.

Why is it that you haven’t jumped onto the Myspace?
Because I feel like I wouldn’t want to do anything that would positively effect my career. I want to keep hungry, literally. Stay hungry, literally. Like today, I don’t have enough money to afford dinner. Hasn’t it reached its peak already?

I think so.
Haven’t people moved over to Facebook?

They have.
Are you on Facebook?

I am.
Should I move over there?

Andy Kindler

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