" fans, we've made it through a barren, frigid winter, and now spring has delivered us unto Paris, home of "The Hills" season premiere. Since we've last seen Lauren
and Co., our heroine has purchased a $2.3 million home, provided some extra bedrooms for her best girls Lo and Audrina, and launched a global fashion line. Heidi
has graced the cover of Maxim
and US Weekly
, with and without Spencer
, and Audrina's "artistic" nude photos surfaced. Ahh, stars. They're just like us.
First line of business for this recap - did anybody enjoy the endless posturing and wide-eyed mannequin presence of Mariah Carey
throughout the ep? Also, could you make sense of the 4-minute Dove featurette with Alicia Keys
and two other actresses who look like they just jumped out of a maxi-pad commercial? We want our "Hills" the way we've always liked it - promptly at 10:00 p.m., with 15 regular commercial breaks and about eight minutes of new programming.
So, LC learned from her last debacle with Jason and actually made it onto the plane for Paris, joining her Teen Vogue
compatriot Whitney. The minute they landed a collective intake of breath occurred across America, as every young woman wished she could be squealing like LC over the Eiffel Tower and endlessly cobble-stoned sidewalks of cafes and luxury stores.
The most disappointing portion of this episode, however, came when Whitney, newly hired for a highly selective, to-die-for position in the fashion industry, asks where the store "Give-EHN-Chee" is? You really did mean to say "Zhee-VAHN-zhee" didn't you dear Whitney? We know you were tired from that trans-Atlantic flight, but could you at least let us believe that someone like you deserves that fashion job instead of some other viewer, who, I don't know, knows how to pronounce the name of one of the most important designers on earth?
The girls were then dropped off to Alberta Ferretti in order to pick up their dresses for the debutante ball they would be attending through Teen Vogue
. Foreshadowing alert - upon realizing that the store they needed to pick up shoes at, for two debutantes, is closed, LC proclaims, "Well, it was either we go naked or they go shoeless." Lauren my friend, because of your poor reasoning skills when it comes to heat and diaphanous fabric, that almost became a reality. More on that later.
The other story complementing the fantasyland adventures of Lauren and Whitney was the surprisingly heads-up turn for Heidi, holing away in her hometown of Crested Butte, Colorado. Can we talk about how adorably sweet Heidi's parents are? Her Mom reminds me of Ana Gasteyer
's NPR radio co-host Margaret Jo McCullen of Delicious Dish (alongside Molly Shannon
) from Saturday Night Live
Since Spencer's former job of managing Brody Jenner
came to a close, he's been pounding the pavement in search of another high stakes position, but since Monster.com doesn't often list "hanging with my bros at Le Deux," it's been a bit of a challenge for our Butthead doppelganger. Sister Stephanie stopped by and shockingly, yet astutely, made Spencer follow the time-honored George Costanza
theory! In her words, "write down everything you've done, and do the opposite." Wiser words were never spoken. So with his free time, Spencer (cough, the producers) decided it would be best for him to butt in on some family bliss and go wrangle Heidi from those cowboys and snow-capped mountains and bring her back to the plastic factory they call home.
Heidi, hats off to you. For a girl who fell under the spell of a boyfriend who frequently refers to himself and others in the third person, she is seemingly reemerging to become the ballsy powerhouse of seasons before. More likely, she's sick of coming home from work everyday and finding Spencer painting murals on the wall, ordering new Pac Man merchandise, or playing Frogger.
Jettisoning back to Paris, LC demonstrated her tireless work ethic. While at a fashion shoot for Teen Vogue
she walked out of the shoot in order to take a call from Audrina. Did anybody else want to yell, "Focus, Lauren, focus!" While on the phone we found out what every other tabloid and reality show devoted to his family has already told us - Brody Jenner has moved on. Now with a full-on girlfriend named Cora, it seems the LC/Brody romance is dead and puts Kristin ahead by 2. One point for Stephen Colletti and another point for wrangling Jenner. Ouch LC, it's time to ditch Kristin's sloppy seconds.
However, no one EVER said to meet up with skuzziest band of all time. Introduced by Audrina in L.A., she rides around with the creepiest, excessively chest-haired, 38-year-old wolf man that was Matthias! Meeting up for drinks with a band she had previously met, and under the intense stare of Matthias, another band member, penetrated every TV in America, and no one has been the same. Maybe it's his serial killer stare, the way he practically shouts "Laur-EN!", or his scary habit of jumping up behind the girls when they are least expecting it, but this man was NOT going to be a substitute for Brody. Rumor has it the producers set up a casting call in Paris for some young men to show Lauren around, and this was the one they chose? A French Brody, if you will, a "Frody," was not a winner. Here's to thinking it's not every young girl's fantasy to be preyed upon like Robert De Niro
did to Juliette Lewis
in "Cape Fear
At the end of the episode, the debutante ball was to go off without a hitch. That is until Lauren's delicate silk dress met a curling iron for the first time. Hello burnt brown fabric. Lauren cried genuine tears of frustration and panic, and who could blame her. Quick thinking Whitney, however, got on the phone and before you could say, "Pretty Woman
shopping montage," Lauren was stepping into the ball with a brand new, strapless white dress. The girls didn't seem to do much at the ball, but that was just filler until "Frody" could call Lauren, whisk her away on his Vespa, and show her the sights of Paris. Upon her return to the hotel, LC gave "Frody" a hug goodbye, but one could only imagine the hours of unwanted advances she'd had to endure until that final embrace. Heidi, in other news, told Spencer to pack his bags, and peace out of their apartment (didn't he buy it though?). If anybody owns a computer or has eyes to look at magazines, they all know they're going strong.
Scenes from the upcoming season were full of favorites: the deliciously snarky and wise Lisa Love, Whitney leaving Teen Vogue
, Brody and Lauren angst, and a return of Stephen! What more could we ask for? Well one thing - Whitney, learn to pronounce "Givenchy!"
Recap by Tiffany Bagster
Starpulse contributing writer