Ex-Creed Singer Broke, Living In Hotel

'Dancing With The Stars': Music Ranges From Annoying To Jam-A-Pen-In-My-Ears Terrible

March 25th, 2008 9:05am EDT
MarioHere we are, week number two of 39. I'm going to be glossing over all the filler because honestly nobody wants to sit through it, so why give them the satisfaction of writing about it? So here is week two, written as I watch it.

Steve Guttenberg and Anna - Mambo
Anna brought her mom to rehearsals, and it was only slightly awkward to learn her mom is as old as Steve. She gave Steve some great advice though about enjoying the dance. Let's see if he can translate that to his dancing. First off, the music they pick for these dances ranges from mildly annoying to jam-a-pen-in-my-ears horrible. Like Steve's dancing this time, this falls near the awful side of the coin, but at least he enjoys it. The judges don't, at all.

My Score: 5

Carrie Ann: 6
Len: 5
Bruno: 5
Total of 16



Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl - Quick Step
All I can think is that if I was one of the dancers, I'd spend every night crying into a pillow wondering where my career went wrong. Cheryl puts Cristian in a Navy uniform, which leads to an Officer and a Gentleman joke. Stick to dancing guys. Have you noticed the lack of any mention of Cheryl's recent indiscretions with former contestants? Well it'll stay that way because Cheryl and Cristian actually did a fairly good dance. The judges like it, and aside from some missteps they're pretty impressed.

My Score: 8

Carrie Ann: 7
Len: 6
Bruno: 7
Total of 20

Monica Seles and Jonathan - Mambo
Poor, poor Monica. She is trying so hard and even took Jonathan to Japan to practice. You know what, as long as she is having fun I'm happy for her. This is really taking her out of her comfort zone. She is still uncomfortable dancing, but wow is she trying so very hard. Bruno is overly mean to her, but Carrie Ann tells her she is improving. Same old judge talk; they don't understand her.

My Score: 6

Carrie Ann: 5
Len: 5
Bruno: 5
Total of 15

Penn Jillette and Kym - Quick Step
Kym attached some weird posture bar to Pennt, which I'm assuming was just to embarrass him. He retaliated by putting Kym in a machine to saw her in half. The song they're dancing to is really entertaining, but sadly Penn is simply too large to dance smoothly. Again, at least the energy is there. You know what, let's just assume everyone has lots of energy so I don't have to keep writing it. Len actually tells Penn he did a convincing quick step with horrible feet. Carrie Ann is nice to him, which makes up for Bruno meaning downright me. We get it judges, you want the lime light.

My Score: 7

Carrie Ann: 6
Len: 6
Bruno: 5
Total of 17

Priscilla Presley and Louis - Mambo
Ahh...the pity winner. I mean a really great dancer. Nothing wacky and fun during the little package, but we get reminded that she's a grandmother, which is more or less unnerving to think about. Ok, I admit it, she isn't half bad as a dancer, and she sure does get thrown around the ground an awful lot. The judges love her, probably because they think Elvis is going to haunt them if they're mean.

My Score: 8

Carrie Ann: 7
Len: 7
Bruno: 7
Total of 21

Shannon Elizabeth and Derek - Quick Step
My favorite star this season, with so much fake modesty it makes me want to be her best friend. Derek takes her running to increase stamina; they'd make such a cute couple. She is really doing well this week, probably thanks to all my moral support I'm throwing her way. They even dance on the judges table, which is a little Coyote Ugly for my taste, but whatever gets them all tens. Bruno says nothing bad, Carrie Ann loves them and even Len gives them props. Well done guys!

My Score: 9

Carrie Ann: 8
Len: 8
Bruno: 8
Total of 24



Jason Taylor and Edyta - Mambo
Edyta claims this will be the craziest routine ever. I've been promised crazy before and have been disappointed time and again. Edyta is clearly wearing what amounts to a few red doilies to distract us. Their dance includes way more than a spiral of death, and everyone loves it. Len calls him a winner, Bruno says something random but positive and Carrie Ann tells him he a shot of winning the competition. See what Jason thinks about the judges' comments in our exclusive post-competition interview.

My Score: 9

Carrie Ann: 9
Len: 9
Bruno: 9
Total of 27

Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony - Quick Step
Marissa almost cries but replaces it with laughter and happiness and then more tears. Tony loves working with her and tells her as much. I like her just as much as he does. She is doing much better than last week, balancing the energy with some great technique. She even gets to slide on the floor, every girl's dream come true! Carrie Ann pretty much makes her cry telling her she's disappointed, Len is nice to her and Bruno is… Bruno.
My Score: 7

Carrie Ann: 7
Len: 7
Bruno: 7
Total of 21

Adam Carolla and Julianne - Mambo
By far the most entertaining of the stars, he and Julianne are the Harold and Maude of the competitors, only he's the Maude. All I can think of is Spanky Ham whenever Adam talks, which is never a good sign. They're actually doing a much better job this week. The judges will probably tear Adam apart, they always have it out for one star each season, and Adam is this season's Billy Ray Cyrus. Bruno says Adam made him laugh, Carrie Ann and Adam have an exchange that I think I missed a vital part of and Len actually said it was brilliant. I like Len the best.

My Score: 7

Carrie Ann: 6
Len: 7
Bruno: 6
Total of 19

Marlee Matlin and Fabian - Quick Step
Ok, I can pretty much copy and paste what I wrote last week about Marlee. She's gorgeous, sort of funny and we get to be reminded that she's deaf about 300 times. She is an amazing dancer thanks to the theory that when one sense is lost the others become superhumanly strong. She'll go really far in this competition, Len agrees with me. Bruno tells her she has stage presence and Carrie Ann again tells her she wants to be her when she grows up.

My Score: 9

Carrie Ann: 8
Len: 8
Bruno:8
Total of 24

Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark - Mambo
Mark and Kristi shake their money makers and Mark even cross dresses a bit. I wonder what goes on off camera. Let's ask Cheryl Burke…ooh burn! They dance perfectly, what were you expecting, she's going to win this competition, mark my words. The judges love her, nobody is surprised, Kristi took the trophy as she left the stage… kidding, kidding.

My Score: 10

Carrie Ann: 9
Len: 9
Bruno: 9
Total of 27



Mario and Karina - Quick Step
Mario has to work on his feet, so Karina takes him to the beach because sand is way harder than ballroom flooring. Technically, the dance isn't very creative but Mario is fantastic. He's the man to beat this season. Bruno says they're charismatic, Len thinks the footwork is much improved but disses Mario's finesse, and Carrie Ann talks about vibe.

My Score: 8

Carrie Ann: 9
Len: 8
Bruno:9
Total of 26

Well two hours and 12 dances later I'm going to mambo on over to another channel, I don't watch "The Bachelor," I do have some dignity.

Story by Dan Chruscinski
Starpulse contributing writer


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