JB Smoove Gives Tips On How To Conquer The World
What are you up to?
Just working on conquering the world.
What are you doing to conquer the world?
I'm just doing little teeny things, just laying a foundation. See, people don't understand you got to lay the foundation early. You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world. Right now, I'm trying to keep Visa and MasterCard off my back. You need to get those things taken care of, like keeping the trash emptied and keeping your clothes and laundry clean. You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath everyday. But the main thing is to have clean underwear, because I'm saying right now, if that day pops up and it's your turn to take the world over and you got dirty boxers on, let me tell you something, it's going to throw your whole plan off. That's all I got to say about that. It's going to throw your whole plan off. I mean, you know that your boxers are dirty. You'll sit there with this confident look on your face, but deep down, you know that your boxers are filthy. That's the one thing I think people overlook, all the time, is filthy, dirty boxers.
And when that moment comes for someone to take over the world, and they're shamed by their dirty boxers, you'll be right there with your clean boxers.
Exactly, exactly. Could you imagine, right now, you got this big campaign going on with Obama, Clinton, and McCain. Could you imagine, just sitting there telling this nation of ours all these great plans you have for the country, and all these correspondents, all these people asking questions, and meanwhile you're sitting there knowing that your boxers are dirty. Could you imagine? You're sitting there and you're just crusty. The crack of your ass is crusty as hell and no one knows it, at all, but you. You're sitting there stating your case, "I'm going to do this for this country. This country needs bigger and better ideas; we need a change. Hope." Could you imagine, Obama sitting there giving you that whole speech and his boxers are filthy? Could you picture that? You don't want to picture that.
Not at all.
Nah! You don't want to be a part of that. You got bigger plans. All I'm saying is big plans start with small ideas, and small responsibilities that need to be taken care of. You know what I mean? Clean your ears out. No one knows - you can't tell a body sitting there that their ears are filthy. You have no idea what's going on. They could have a whole ear full of wax. No one knows what this guy does after he leaves this podium, you really don't. You really don't know what's in that dirty hamper; it could be filthy.
Do you think that instead of probing the backgrounds of all these politicians we should instead be probing their hampers?
I watch that TV show all the time, the child predator show, they ought to do that show, right? But they ought to do that in bathrooms, because plenty of times, I've seen some pretty important people at these little benefits and these little red carpet events, and these guys come in the bathroom, they're talking to you, and they don't wash their hands. They just walk right out the bathroom. See? No one knows this kind of stuff. They ought to have Chris Hansen hiding outside and have this hidden camera catch these guys not washing their hands, and when they come out they confront him. "Hey, we just watched you come out the bathroom and you didn't wash your hands." Someone needs to put a stop to this kind of stuff. That's all I'm trying to say.
The Best of Leon - Curb Your Enthusiasm
What do you do if you see someone leaving the bathroom but you know they didn't wash their hands?
I used to have it in my mind where I was just going to spill the beans, but now I just avoid them. Don't hand me nothing man. You can't hand me nothing. Don't touch nothing. Don't shake my hand, don't touch my jacket, don't pat me on the back or nothing. Because all I'm envisioning - all I see, is you walking out of that bathroom. And they walk out of there like it's no big deal, they're still talking, "Hey, yeah, ha ha ha. You see that game last night?" I'm like, "Yeah." Then they just casually walk right out the bathroom, don't wash their hands. I'm like, "Wow, this guy really just walked right out." He took a good damn bath before he came out that night and he's that confident that he is that clean or he just don't give a damn.
Sounds like the sort of awkward situation that would happen on Curb.
I got to call Larry about that one, man. Larry got to try something like that, because that's how it goes down. That's how it really goes down. Now, JB might not say anything about it, but Leon, now Leon would say something about that. Leon would put that whole situation straight. Sometimes people just need to be pointed in the right direction. We learn from each other. That's why I appreciate that guy, Leon. He's a straightforward kind of guy. You know he'll tell you the real. Keeping it real with you. That's all people need, people need to keep it real. Keeping it real is like a slap in the face. Like a good slap across the face - that's keeping it real. You need a wake up call, that's what they call that.
And how do you keep it real?
Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that. You got the smartest person in the world but there is a whole lot of different kinds of smarts. There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts. You don't know all the smarts. You're blessed if you can nail down two or three smarts. But you're not going to know all the smarts; there are just too many damn smarts out there. There's smart mouth. People got smart mouths. Smart-ass mouths. There's too many different kinds of smarts out there for you to master all these smarts, that's all I'm trying to say. You've got to just nail down at least one or two of them. Like I know I'm street smart. I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him. Now, he might have farm smarts, agriculture smarts. Maybe he knows how to plant a good damn collard green or a yam or something like that, but he doesn't know how the world works like that. Political smarts, some guys just know political stuff. I'm not politically smart. I know what the hell I need to get by in my day. I couldn't tell you what you need. Ben might need something totally different. You know what I'm saying, Ben?
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