Remember when Alice fell down the rabbit hole and suddenly she was gallivanting with mad hatters, talking cards, and swam in a sea of her own tears? Well, none of that happened this week on "Dance War," but the completely illogical chain of events in that story applies to this baffling dance competition.

"Dance War's season finale is next week. What? So far, there is one team of four and one team of six. How on earth does that produce a winner? That's like having a track race but halfway through pulling out five runners and saying, "Yeah, we're done here." Team Bruno loses a member every single week, so haven't they essentially lost the competition already? If a team drops three members in a row, I think America has voted. I'm currently reading a biography on Einstein, and all kidding aside, Einstein's theories on electromagnetic energy are clearer than the rules of "Dance War."

Like Alice, I'm suspending logic and simply moving on. This week was Latin week, and we all know what that means: Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony. Well, color us surprised, the first dance number was set to "Conga" by Miss Estefan and the third to "I Need to Know" by Marc Anthony. "I Need to Know" performed by Team Carrie Ann hinted at what this show could have been: interesting sets, unique vocal arrangements, and strong, charismatic individuals. However, like a groundhog popping out to see its shadow, the moment was fleeting.

After Team Carrie Ann's strong performance, however, Carrie Ann inexplicably began crying when Drew asked if her team was perhaps, after winning every single week, getting cocky. "Sniff sniff, choke, gulp...I feel...gulp...these guys...snort...are working...sob, sob, heave...harder than ever." Carrie Ann, you most likely pop in for two hours to yell at them like Kyle Maclachlan did to Elizabeth Berkley with her sweaty hip thrusts in "Showgirls." Relax.

As for Team Bruno...I bought some toe tags at a supply store, and they're embossed with your team logo. The four remaining members, looking lonely and feeble next to Team Carrie Ann's robust group, seemed to dance on two bended knees with their hands clasped in a prayer formation.

As a side note, the High School Musical stage tour performed, and it's shocking to see what teenagers are losing their minds over. A high school basketball player in a Wildcats t-shirt singing show tunes? Oh well, I guess it's Grease in the Laguna Beach era.

The second to last results came in...and this show is SO fixed! Team Bruno won! In a tornado of emotion, Bruno dropped to his knees and put his head on the ground, while Carrie Ann began the "ugly cry." With each successive name Carrie Ann called, signifying who would stay on her team, her crying grew more intense. I wasn't sure if she was sending one of her dancers home or to the gas chamber. The humiliating "sing off" (once again, on a dance show) occurred, and Alyssa was eliminated from Team Carrie Ann. Again, Carrie Ann sobbed so hard, that the team hugged our J Lo look alike and ignored Alyssa, the latest castoff. This show is so classic.

So, we actually have a competition America! Too bad it's with one episode left.

Recap by Tiffany Bagster
Starpulse contributing writer