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Film Feature: Improbable Survivors

January 28th, 2008 11:12am EST
Live Free Or Die HardMovies are entertainment. We're supposed to suspend our disbelief so we can be entertained and so we don't bog ourselves down in the specifics. In some movies we can do just that - believe - and we can go with the flow. Others provide circumstances that are just too preposterous to take at face value.

Following are some of those movies and characters that I couldn't just forget about and found myself picking apart afterwards. I initially enjoyed each and every one of them, but on further viewing, they were just too much to accept.

Kill Bill Volume 2
Kill Bill 2There were a lot of scenes in these two movies that would qualify for being completely unbelievable. For me, the penultimate example was when Uma Thurman found herself buried alive in a coffin by Bill's brother. I realize that the entire scene was there only to provide a visual segue into the bride's training at the hands of her maniacal teacher. I also understand that there are plenty of scenes to pick on, but the coffin scene was just too much for my fragile little mind. The thought of someone punching a hole in a coffin at that small of a distance and digging her way out lost me. Not to mention the stress and beatings Uma had taken previously should have rendered her as weak as a child. That should have been the end of her right there, but Quentin Tarantino had her dig herself out. It's up to him, but I could have done without it.

Deep Blue Sea
Deep Blue SeaLet me preface this by saying that I love movies about killer animals. Jaws, Lake Placid, Cujo, Godzilla, anything. Even better if those animals are genetically mutated. Which is what we got from "Deep Blue Sea." Genetically enhanced smart killer sharks are right in my wheelhouse. With that being said, there is no way LL Cool J gets away. He was the comic relief, the comic relief never gets out. Yet, there he is at the end, crawling out of the destroyed research facility, ready to provide his punchline and a smile. Samuel L. Jackson's character was beautifully eviscerated, he was in the movie for the least amount of time of the leads, and you're telling me you'd rather have the funny cook live and not Samuel L.? No thanks sharks, you ate the wrong guy.

Alien Movies
Alien 3The fact is that there a myriad of scenes I could choose to pick on, so I choose to pick on the franchise. Ripley made it through the entire franchise with multiple clones. The original died off somewhere between the second and third movies. She survived countless bloodthirsty aliens, one killer cyborg, a backstabbing company man. She lived, she loved, she was turned into an unstoppable alien human hybrid. She carried on and unfortunately, she shouldn't have. She got the ultimate star treatment. An entire squad of trained marines couldn't get out of the second movie, and she shouldn't have either.

Predator
PredatorThis is just a case of odds, pure and simple. How many assorted villagers and soldiers did the Predator ice before he ran into Arnold Schwarzenegger? Hundreds? Thousand? Who knows, but the predator was preying on that region a very long time. But Arnold was plenty tough enough to take him out. And what took the Predator out in the end? What was the amazing idea that trumped all of the advanced technology the alien hunter had its disposal? Mud. That's right, mud. All Arnold had to do was put mud all over his body and he was invisible. The Predator was beaten by a man covered in mud. And if you had no problem taking that bit of info in stride, what followed should have been no problem. Of course Arnold would be able to outrun a tactical nuclear device. It wasn't like he had his ass kicked by an alien for days right? Outrun a nuclear explosion? Sure, why not right?

Die Hard
Die HardTalk about indestructable, right? This plucky NYC detective survived a gaggle of European terrorists, a mercenary army, some more european terrorists and then some domestic terrorists. He made it through exploding buildings, airplanes, helicopters, schools, garbage trucks and airports. He's been shot at with machine guns and missiles. He's been thrown off of buildings and jet engines. He's been stuck underground and survived a flooding. Let's just say when the end of the world comes around, there will be cockroaches and detective John McClane.

Fight Club
Fight ClubIf getting his ass kicked in fight club every night wasn't enough punishment for the narrator, Jack, to make this list, one iconic scene is enough for me. Jack survived all of the beatings, the crazy girlfriend, the explosions, the cops, and his disciples who were working as cops (and tried to take something off that was very near and dear to him) only to improbably survive the best one of them all. The guy shot himself in the face, and he didn't die. Let me repeat, he turned his gun around and shot himself in the face, and it ended up just going through his cheek and neck. Well, I hope he bought a lottery ticket that day.

Agree? Disagree? Make a comment!

Story by Larry Grodsky
Starpulse contributing writer