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Video Games Do Not Make Good Movies

January 14th, 2008 11:18am EST



Lets take a look at the many video-game-to-film failures:

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001) - With nearly a $140 million budget, the movie was a massive flop, earning a paltry $32 million. Not only did it suck, but it caused the studio to lose over a $100 million. Nuff' said.

-Doom (2001): Another massive flop, finishing with a $-62 million. You have to be special to screw up a plot this simple.

-House of the Dead (1996): One of the worst movies I've ever seen and also in the 100 worst movies of all time on imdb.com. Directed by Uwe Boll, a modern day Ed Wood, it barely made its $12 million budget back.

-Wing Commander (1999): A movie that takes in place in space with massive dogfights starring Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze Jr.? Wow. It finished with $-25 million.

-Alone in the Dark (2005): Another Uwe Boll piece of shit. It was one of the lowest grossing movies of 2005, barely earning $5 million and finishing $15 million in the negative. If Christian Slater ever wants to get back in the game, he should stop doing movies like this.

Alone in the Dark

-BloodRayne (2006): You have to see it to believe how bad it is. How in the hell did they get Ben Kingsley to star in this? And Michael Madsen as a long-haired knight? Are you kidding me? Uwe Boll's third movie on this list, it barely earned $3 million. It cost $20 million to make. Boll hired prostitutes instead of extras because they were cheaper. There is also a petition online with thousands of signatures with the hope that Uwe Boll will stop making movies.

BloodRayne

-Super Mario Bros. (1993): An abomination that barely made half of the $40 million dollar budget back. It has very little to do with the games. Who thought this would make a good live-action film?

-Double Dragon (1994): After the huge success of Terminator 2, Robert Patrick's agent begged him to do this, thinking it would be the next great franchise. It made a total of $2 million. Good choice Rob.

-Street Fighter (1994): Hating a movie as a kid is a tough thing to do because you like everything. So the fact that kids everywhere thought it sucked balls (including myself), as well as every critic imaginable doesn't bode well for its sequel (currently in the works). Only in Hollywood.

-Tomb Raider I (2001) and Tomb Raider II (2003): I have no problem watching Angelina Jolie bounce around for two hours in skimpy outfits, but that does not make a good movie. The screenwriters that penned the first one have yet to write anything else. When you let douche bags make a movie, it usually sucks. People got the hint the second time around, which is why "The Cradle of Life" only made half of its $120 million budget back.

Tomb Raider

And the list goes on. With all the failures this genre has had, it is perplexing that studios keep trying to turn video games into movies. If you aren't going to hire the right people for the job, why do it at all? The track record speaks for itself. Halo fans have hope because Peter Jackson is one of the producers trying to get the game in the right hands.

There are a handful of great stories in the video game medium. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic has a better story than any of the six Star Wars films, but that doesn't mean they need to make a movie out of it. The stories in games like God of War, Bioshock, and Indigo Prophecy could all make excellent films if handed to the right people, not the third-rate hacks that these games usually get.

Take Hitman, for example, a game with a straightforward story of an elite assassin with plenty of room to make it an exciting action flick. Screenwriter Skip Woods, whose last writing gig was seven years ago on the mediocre at best Swordfish, wrote a terrible screenplay. Then the studio hired Xaiver Gens, a no-name in the directing world where he has more experience being an assistant director than actual directing. When studios surround a movie with bums, the product is usually crap. And that is what "Hitman" is. It barely made its paltry $33 million budget back.

Studio Execs are like lemmings. When one does something that makes money, the rest follow. It is why movie genres come in bunches. Remember Deep Impact, Armageddon, and that stupid volcano movie with Pierce Brosnan? It is the same reason there are 28 comic book movies a year. But when you aren't making any money, why keep trying?

Hollywood should just stop, but you know it won't. Add in the lemming factor, and theaters will be flooded with even more shit movies.

Sigh.

Story By Anthony Liccardello
Starpulse contributing writer



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