There are some things in Hollywood that just do not work: Lindsay Lohan
and sobriety, most marriages, Tim Allen
tackling roles not involving Christmas, and successfully adapting a video game into a movie. Why is this so hard?
The powers that be can take a 700-page book and trim it down to a two-hour story. Either they are picking really bad video games to adapt or the people involved just suck. There has yet to be a quality adaptation. So why do studios keep insisting on producing them? They even screwed up Doom
, a story that involves Marines fighting aliens. How is that even possible?
Even as I write this, there are numerous video games being developed into movies. They include:
: I am speechless at the though of this being a feature film. I'm cringing right now.
: The game has an incoherent story with a hero who never even takes off his helmet.
-Street Fighter II
: A sequel to a shitty movie over 10 years old with no story. Only Hollywood would do that.
: Hmm. A movie about a game where you control people to do remedial tasks like going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, and going to work. Maybe the worst idea of all time.
: THERE IS NO STORY. It is a fighting game, that is it. What are they thinking? The execs obviously aren't because they hired the director who did Mr. 3000
: You drive a cab from point A to point B and drop off passengers. There is no f-ing story here. Pass the crack pipe if you think this makes a two-hour film.
-Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
: This will be an abomination.
: This incredible series of games is being put in the hands of the assclown who directed Resident Evil
, Alien vs. Predator
, and Mortal Kombat
: One of the producer's main work load has been in pornography, and we're not sure how that carries over to an action film. How sad.
I have played video games since the 8-Bit NES days, and the time that gamers put into games with good stories and quality game play is sometimes comparable to a full season of television. When you spend that much time with a well-developed story and great characters, it is frustrating to see them get lost in translation every time it is translated on the big screen. It's the same situation with comic-book fans. When a medium they love gets the shit end of the stick (Elektra
, Fantastic Four
, etc.), they get pissed. Fortunately, those types of films are on a roll (barring Spider-Man 3
), while video game movies haven't even got off the pot.