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Video Games Do Not Make Good Movies

January 14th, 2008 11:18am EST
Street FighterThere are some things in Hollywood that just do not work: Lindsay Lohan and sobriety, most marriages, Tim Allen tackling roles not involving Christmas, and successfully adapting a video game into a movie. Why is this so hard?

The powers that be can take a 700-page book and trim it down to a two-hour story. Either they are picking really bad video games to adapt or the people involved just suck. There has yet to be a quality adaptation. So why do studios keep insisting on producing them? They even screwed up Doom, a story that involves Marines fighting aliens. How is that even possible?

Even as I write this, there are numerous video games being developed into movies. They include:

-Pac-Man: I am speechless at the though of this being a feature film. I'm cringing right now.

Pac-Man

-Halo: The game has an incoherent story with a hero who never even takes off his helmet.

-Street Fighter II: A sequel to a shitty movie over 10 years old with no story. Only Hollywood would do that.

-The Sims: Hmm. A movie about a game where you control people to do remedial tasks like going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, and going to work. Maybe the worst idea of all time.

-Tekken: THERE IS NO STORY. It is a fighting game, that is it. What are they thinking? The execs obviously aren't because they hired the director who did Mr. 3000 and Drumline.

Tekken

-Crazy Taxi: You drive a cab from point A to point B and drop off passengers. There is no f-ing story here. Pass the crack pipe if you think this makes a two-hour film.

-Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?: This will be an abomination.

-Castlevania: This incredible series of games is being put in the hands of the assclown who directed Resident Evil, Alien vs. Predator, and Mortal Kombat.

-Max Payne: One of the producer's main work load has been in pornography, and we're not sure how that carries over to an action film. How sad.

I have played video games since the 8-Bit NES days, and the time that gamers put into games with good stories and quality game play is sometimes comparable to a full season of television. When you spend that much time with a well-developed story and great characters, it is frustrating to see them get lost in translation every time it is translated on the big screen. It's the same situation with comic-book fans. When a medium they love gets the shit end of the stick (Elektra, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, etc.), they get pissed. Fortunately, those types of films are on a roll (barring Spider-Man 3), while video game movies haven't even got off the pot.

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