All over the world life-altering baby names are daily latched onto innocent children. This includes the names celebrities choose. It's often a mystery why celebrities pick names destined to cause incredible humiliation for their offspring. But one thing is true: no one named "Jermajesty" has ever won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Much like failed Hollywood marriages or unwatchable sequels, bad celebrity baby names are a sign of the times. While Jacob, Michael, Emily and Emma were the most popular names in 2006, celebrities often feel they are above trends. When defenseless children are born into names like "Pilot Inspektor" (Jason Lee's
son), how can we expect them not to have identity crises? There are hundreds of disturbing, laughable and downright odd celebrity baby names in existence. In addition to Tallulah Willis, Apple Martin, and Moon Unit Zappa, here are the best of the worst:
1. Victim: Princess Tiaamii
Parents: Glamour model Jordan
(a.k.a. Katie Price) and former pop star Peter Andre
Apparently, naming their daughter princess wasn't enough. In case you were wondering, Tiaamii is pronounced "tee-ah-mee." How soon before this poor child hears "Princess pee on me?" The most we can hope for is she drops the "Princess" and claims to be exotic with just "Tiaamii." Unless you're a Disney cartoon, there's no logical reason to have this first name.
2. Victim: Heaven Rain
Parents: Brooke Burke
and David Charvet
It's not that we don't understand the profound gift that Brooke and David were trying to express by naming their daughter Heaven Rain. The baby was sent down from heaven, perhaps? Her life was a powerful storm of love, maybe? Brooke, David - you're not hippies living in the 70s. You can't just point to the sky one night after a Phish
concert and say "Heaven, Rain. That's it!"
3. Victim: Tu
Parents: Rob Morrow
and Debbon Ayre
If you're a Spanish dictator and wish to name your child "Tu," fine. We'd accept a number of ridiculous combinations from someone who ruthlessly controls millions. But the name Tu Morrow? Really? If their last name had been "Bage" would "Gar" be the first? If the child makes it past high school, friends will leave from not knowing what day of the week it is.
4. Victim: God'iss Love
Parents: Lil' Mo
and Al Stone
No, this is not the name of an 80's porn film. Since the name Lil' Mo flows off the tongue so beautifully, she picked a similar name, clearly meant for an apostrophe. As if changing Goddess to "God'iss" is clearly an improvement. Celebrities: less is more. The cleverer you try to be directly correlates to the amount of gum you'll remove from your child's hair.
5. Victim: Jermajesty
Parents: Jermaine Jackson
and Hazel Gordy
Sure, you might hate it now. But come back in 10 minutes; say it out loud a few times. Fun to say, right? Jermaine Jackson thought so. The only royalty this kid will be seeing is in the form of checks he'll cash. Why beat around the bush? If you're dead set on naming your child something embarrassing, go with, "Bully me" or "Stuff me in a locker." It saves everyone time.
Story by Colin Balfe
Starpulse contributing writer