Minutes after leaving the courthouse and in his first interview since he finished rehab, actor Tom Sizemore
talks about his rise, his fall and his comeback as a Hollywood star. Sizemore discusses his relationships with Heidi Fleiss
and Paris Hilton
, his drug addiction and recovery. A full transcript of the interview is below. The interview will air on "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" Monday, February 13th at 10 pm and 1 am ET on CNBC.
TOM SIZEMORE ON HIS COURT APPEARANCE
Mr. SIZEMORE: What went on in court today was very simple. I had a 140-odd days of clean time, and I--I slipped. Now, that's--there's a difference between a slip and a relapse.
DEUTSCH: What do you mean you slipped?
Mr. SIZEMORE: I--I used.
Mr. SIZEMORE: On January 18th. I saw my probation officer on January 23rd. Now, it has been my custom in the past to minimize or, you know, obfuscate, you know, blur, etc., basically lie about my drug use. And your taught in the program of 12 steps that if you're--you're as sick as your secrets, and if you can't be honest, you don't have a chance. So when she asked me, 'Have you used any illegal drugs since the last time I saw you, Tom,' I didn't want to tell her the truth initially. I mean, but I looked, 'You know what? This is that moment where you're either starting to get it or not get it.' You know, it's called surrender. And I went, 'Yeah, I have.' So, regardless of the consequences, I had to tell her the truth because I didn't want--I don't want to go back to where I was. I didn't want to rela--I wanted her to know I did it because she could keep her eye on me, know I'd done it, so I'm in a danger zone. And so to prevent me from doing it again--to help prevent me from doing it again.
ON HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HEIDI FLEISS
Mr. SIZEMORE: I met Heidi January 19th, 2001.... I was very lonely... Something about her interested me. I was curious, and as I got to know her, I felt great affection for her, and I thought, at a certain point, that I loved her. And I think I did, still...She got me onto this drug called crystal meth amphetamine. I never used that drug before. And the drug--the drug really--really got me. It's a--for certain people, it's a sexual stimulant. And that's what it did with me was--and... the reason I separated from her or split with her was because I didn't want to continue using that--that--that drug. And over those nine months, I did three movies that shot out of town. I was afraid to travel with it, so I didn't get addicted to it. But I was coming back the last time after "Dreamcatcher," I was doing "Robbery Homicide Division," and I told her, 'When I come back to LA, I'm going to be shooting in LA. I'm the star of the program. I'm part owner with Michael Mann,'--my buddy, one of the greatest directors who ever lived--'This has got to stop, and I can't stop if you don't stop. We got to stop.' And--and she didn't. And I--I broke it off, she said, rather crassly,and fourteen months later, she alleged that I'd--that I'd struck her.
DEUTSCH: What do you think her motivation was?
Mr. SIZEMORE: Hurt me.
DEUTSCH: Do you-- when you think back on your relationship with her now, what--what comes to mind? What do you think about? What do you feel? Are you still in love with her?
Mr. SIZEMORE: No. No.
Mr. SIZEMORE: What comes to mind?
Mr. SIZEMORE: What a waste, this whole thing... We had--we had a really nice time. We had a lovely time. The dope--the dope killed the relationship, and then she tried to, metaphorically, kill me.
ON HIS DRUGS USE
Mr. SIZEMORE: I didn't get high at work. At the time, I was using another drug--oh, God, it's all about drugs--starts with an H. But I would take just enough to be not sick. I was--I was completely within my faculties when I was working. It was after work when the problems--when things got problematic. And Bob De Niro confronted me, and I told him the truth. And I went to--oh, I didn't know he was going to intervene on me--but I went with him to this treatment center in Arizona called Sierra Tucson, and I got clean.
DEUTSCH: When you say there's three slips, what were the drugs? Which drugs?
Mr. SIZEMORE: I don't like saying the name of the drug.
DEUTSCH: You don't want to say it?
Mr. SIZEMORE: Oh, I--the one I've been, you know, caught using...
DEUTSCH: Is it meth? Heroin?
Mr. SIZEMORE: The first one.
DEUTSCH: Yeah, meth.....
Mr. SIZEMORE: ..I'll tell you, using this drug, just so know, I have not used this drug and gone like, 'Yippee! I'm having a ball.' It's more like, 'I can't get out of bed. What's happened to my life and career? What's happened to me? I'm breaking my mother's heart. I don't want to do anything.' And 'I can get out of bed if I do this.'
TOM SIZEMORE ON HIS RELEATIONSHIP WITH PARIS HILTON
DEUTSCH: How did you meet her?
Mr. SIZEMORE: 'Well, hey, what's going on? You're pretty. You're really pretty.'
DEUTSCH: And she said to you?
Mr. SIZEMORE: 'Who are you?'
DEUTSCH: And you said to her?
Mr. SIZEMORE: I said, 'You're really pretty. You want to come over here and do this nightclub?' Next thing you know I'm, you know, not that.
Mr. SIZEMORE: Driving to my house.
DEUTSCH: How do you...
Mr. SIZEMORE: I didn't go--I went quietly into that dark night. I'm like -- I'm like Dylan's -- Dylan Thomas. I will not walk--I will not go quietly into that dark night. I did.
Oh, come on, Donny, give me a break.
DEUTSCH: Come on, we got to talk about it. I can't--I can't be the good guy.
Mr. SIZEMORE: Paris Hilton, come on. You wouldn't ask Sean Penn that question.
TOM SIZEMORE ON CHRIS PENN (SEAN PENN'S LATE BROTHER):
DEUTSCH: He was supposed to be one of the real good guys. I never met him, but was supposed to be a great guy.
Mr. SIZEMORE: One of the best. Underrated, too, as an actor. One of the best.
Deutsch: When--when something like that happens, does it give you more strength to stay straight, because you go...
DEUTSCH: Do you say to yourself, 'I have the gift of life and that gives me more ambition to stay straight'? Or does that make it harder because you go through the pain and the loss and what comes with losing a buddy?
Mr. SIZEMORE: Both. I'd like to think I'm going to land over on the side of--Chris would like me to be healthy and live well.
DEUTSCH: Well, do it for him, man.
Mr. SIZEMORE: He's a good guy.
DEUTSCH: Do it for him, man.
Mr. SIZEMORE: Be a good guy. Yeah.
Mr. SIZEMORE: You know, I've have--I've had thoughts that I really could truly help people if I were to get myself together, because I have good leadership qualities, was a quarterback or whatever. I was a good boxer. I was--my pulse drops when it gets tight, when the pressure is on. It really does. And but I'm--with these drugs, though, my better parts are thrown down. So if you're--if you are, in fact, dealing with addiction, you have to understand one thing really, you're not--you are--who you really are. So the choices you are making are all skewed. And it--you got to reach out. What I did finally was I got sick and tired of what was going on in my life and how I felt. And I did something I don't like to do. I asked somebody I didn't know for help. And I had to face my parents and say, 'Mom, Dad, I'm on dope.' And until you are willing to feel that shame, because that's what it feels like--but guess what? It goes away. Once you do it, there's great relief, because now you started the first step in this horror show for mending. Because this line of coke could be your last line of coke. It could be your first of 5,000 lines of coke. But it all is going to be miserable. And at a certain point they're all miserable.