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SNL Weekend Update Quotes (Oct. 22)

October 23rd, 2005 2:00am EDT
Tina Fey"Tom Delay's mugshot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens."

A collection of quotes from this weekend's "Saturday Night Live" Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler...

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER - "And may I say it's great to have you back..."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY - "Thanks and I want to offer congratulations to Maya Rudolph who had her baby last week. A sweet little peanut named Pearl. This puts us one step closer to an all-baby cast."

FEY - "Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the most intense Atlantic storm ever recorded, a Category 5 with 175 mile-per-hour winds. Or what's known around FEMA as 'Casual Friday.'"

POEHLER - "Sources said Monday that a special prosecutor's intensifying focus into who outed a CIA operative has raised questions whether Vice President Dick Cheney himself was involved. Confronted on the issue, Cheney turned into a hundred bats and then flew away."

FEY - "Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powell's former chief of staff, said this week that foreign policy in the Bush administration has been usurped by a 'Cheney-Rumsfeld cabal.' President Bush fired back, 'How dare you notice that?'"

FEY - "U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush in the White House on Wednesday and urged the President to help the world's poor. While the President urged Bono to get back together with Cher."

FEY- "Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world-premiere screening of the new mini-series Pope John Paul II, starring Cary Elwes and Jon Voight. He's coming to the premiere because Jon Voight's daughter is Angelina Jolie and even the Pope wants to hit that."

FEY- "And now, a Weekend Update Sports Minute for Ladies. The World Series was tonight. The Chicago White Sox played those other guys and I think they beat them by like, a couple. I think..."
POEHLER -"And it was really long. "
FEY -"Ugh, it was sooooo long."

FEY - "'SpongeBob SquarePants will begin airing in China in December so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they're making. In China, the show will be called 'CleaningPadCharlie Rectangle Shorts.'"

POEHLER - "A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middle school with a handgun, ammunition and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning is growing up so fast."

FEY - "Businessman Robert McCormack is refusing to pay a $200,000 dollar bill from a night at the Scores strip club two years ago, insisting that he did not spend more than $20,000 dollars that night. 'Oh, that's much better,' said his wife."

POEHLER - "The Monroe County Jail in Indiana is within 10 days of running out of toilet paper because the County Council will not allow the warden to transfer funds to pay for it. The story will be told in the upcoming film, 'The Brown Mile.'"

FEY - "This week marked the beginning of exorcism classes at a Vatican university. And the last week of jazzorcism classes."

POEHLER - "Tired of all the prostitute jokes they have to endure, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, Connecticut are petitioning to have their street's name changed to Stonebrook Lane, after longtime resident Louise Stonebrook who is a prostitute."

POEHLER - "A new survey shows that the average person spends 4 years of their life house cleaning and just 16 hours having orgasms. Which makes sense. It probably would take 4 years to clean up after a 16-hour orgasm."

FEY - "Madonna made a surprise appearance at New York's Hunter College on Wednesday as a guest professor. The course was 'Fake English as a Second Language.'"

POEHLER - "A 12-year-old Michigan boy is trying to break the Guinness record for most continuous karate kicks in one hour. Least happy about this...the boy's little brother."

"Good Night and Have a Pleasant Tomorrow"


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