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'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: What The %$*#@?

Tanya Turner Tanya Turner
December 2nd, 2010 4:27pm EST

I tried to write this recap several times this morning, but after last night's show, it was entirely too frustrating to focus on the task at hand. I couldn't get the temperature right at my house, the fridge was completely devoid of food due to my grocery shopping procrastination habit, and my water filtration system was on the brink. Seriously, how is one supposed to operate under those conditions? I stuck my pen behind my ear, logged off of the Internet, and settled in for a long winter's nap. It was then that my subconscious conjured up the image of a red-faced, pissed-off Jeff Probst, who read to me from the Book of Survivor about the impending doom and life of complete half-assery I would experience if I didn't shape up, write this beeyotch and make him proud. Since there are very few things that upset me more than being called half-assed, I ripped off my sleep mask, brewed a cuppa and began pounding furiously on my keyboard.

Survivor: Nicaragua

I'm not at all surprised by what happened last night with Purple Kelly and NaOnka. Nay's wanted to quit since the tribes were mixed up earlier in the season. She's offended just about everybody in the jungle, yet she's still there. My guess is that she has been trying to get herself voted off for a while but no one wants her to leave because they know that they will beat her come final Tribal Council. As for Purple Kelly, it seems to me that she was borrowing off of Brenda's brain. With Brenda's departure last week, Kelly is having a difficult time trying to fit in and think for herself. Poor thing. They wouldn't let her bring her Survivor for Dummies on to the Island, and now the one brain that she found to latch onto has left the building. What is a Purple to do?

So...no, I'm not surprised that those two winners quit. I am, quite candidly, a but more fascinated with the brainiac that runs this crap TV show and his decision to let NaOnka and Kelly stay on at the Ponderosa, and actually participate as Jury Members. WHAAAATTT? I wish that decision-maker would come over to my house so that I could slap the smile off of his mouth and drop-kick him a time or two for being such a dum-dum. Seriously...how do you allow two slackers like that to poison the name of Survivor, and still put them up at the lush jury house while awaiting their turn to judge the remaining Survivors for their mishaps?? NaOnka and Kelly shouldn't be judging anything except perhaps how far my foot might make it up their (insert expletive here).

Not only are they allowed to stay on as Jury Members, but NaOnka also had the chance to enjoy Reward that night (albeit a pretty lame reward if you ask me) with a viewing of Gulliver's Travels, and a menu of hot dogs and popcorn. She even had an engraved invitation to give up her reward so that the entire tribe could benefit from the gift of a tarp and a big bucket of rice. But did she? Hell to the no. She let Holly give up her prize and went on to enjoy a big fat movie and feast festival. Too bad she didn't choke on her popcorn.

Later at Tribal Council, Jeff Probst gave the spoiled little beyotches, I meant, girls, one final shot at staying in the game. Sadly, the lure of a hot shower and a dry pillow were worth more than $1 million bucks to these little princesses. I actually even felt sorry for Marty and Brenda who were foaming at the mouth over in the Jury pool. I honestly thought that Survivor might have struck some kind of deal with the Twilight wolves and half-expected to see the over-aged boy bander and little miss Snobby Pants morph into the La Push werewolf pack right before my very eyes. Too bad they didn't. They would have done a great job of "smuffing" out those quitters' torches.

Kelly Survivor

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