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Man Watches 'The Bachelor'... Questions His Masculinity

Simbarashe Simbarashe
February 17th, 2009 2:56pm EST
The BachelorI'm just going to come out and admit it: I love watching "The Bachelor". I feel comfortable in declaring this in part because shortly after watching the last episode there was a Facebook status update where a guy had shh'd his girlfriend for talking during one of the critical points. So apparently I'm not the only guy who watches "The Bachelor". For starters, let me just say that you have no idea how great this makes me feel-there are sporadic times throughout a man's life when he questions his own masculinity, and for me this probably was one of those times-because I can take solace in knowing that I'm not alone. But the other thing that gets me all riled up (and this is all drama aside, no kidding) is that the show runs two hours every week. This is a bad thing because the second half runs into "24"-a show I absolutely must watch.

(Really, ABC? You can't just do an "American Idol" and put the show on for an hour on Monday and then an hour on Tuesday? Is your programming roster so stacked that such an undertaking is impossible? Luckily, in my estimation they take the finally forty-five minutes to drag out the rose ceremony, so it's not like I'm missing much But still, you gotta wonder.)

The Bachelor



At least I can save some dignity for myself and say that I was really late to the "Bachelor" party. I hadn't seen one episode of the show until last summer while I was doing research for a book that I was writing. I sat through the entire episode thinking how preposterous it was. But then again, DeAnna Pappas wasn't someone I'd want to root for. She seemed a little high maintenance, a little ditzy, and a little bitchy all at the same time. It would've been like rooting for the hottest girl in a "The Real World" house to find a spouse in a television reality series. Actually, maybe that would've been better. So I got sucked into the very first episode this season because I was waiting for the season premier of "24" and there was nothing else on at 8pm. No "Heroes", and I think even "Chuck" didn't start until the next week. When the girls started showing up and getting out of the limo, I'm thinking to myself, 'OK, she's hot, she's sort of hot, she's not hot, wow really? She's OK, she's OK, she's a disaster . . .' and then I'm curious to know if my favorite girl of the bunch at least makes the first cut. Because you know, you gotta see if your girl makes the first cut . . .

But she doesn't! And yet, several weeks later, here I am.

The BachelorI had a lot of compassion for Jason in the beginning for being a single dad, having his testicular fortitude busted by DeAnna in the last season, and just generally seeming like an all-round good guy. But I gotta say, his radar is faulty. I don't want to get personal, but I'm starting to wonder if his decision-making ability is what got him divorced to begin with. Take Molly for instance, the bright-eyed blonde (whom I'm not all certain she's a real blonde, like that matters, but it kind of does). Throughout the entire season I've been campaigning for her to stay in the final two if only because realistically, if you must have two women then one must be emotionally compatible and the other should be recreational fun. Let's call Molly the RV girl, though she's slightly more attractive than someone you'd normally attribute that comparison to. He's then left with Jillian (not incredibly hot, but her personality rocks and you can at least figure what she might look like in ten years), and Melissa, the 'other one'. Now to be fair, I think Melissa is gorgeous. She's nice, she seems like she'd be a lot of fun, and she's got that gift of being able to dress up or down and maintain a sexual consistency, which is VERY, VERY, IMPORTANT. But how does Jason keep her around when she wouldn't let him visit her parents (because she didn't tell them that she was going on the show, most likely)? And apparently the whole country missed that conversation between Jason and her friends when they confessed that they'd never met her ex-boyfriends, either. They is a mighty red flag if only because in the next episode, she confesses to him that her parents had met ex-boyfriends. From her best friends' boy languages, it was evident that nobody in that house had ever met her parents, or her ex-boyfriends. So either she doesn't have 'best friends', or she doesn't have 'parents', but in any case, Jason's got to be an idiot for only thinking that he should "back away slowly". Seriously, if you want to keep her around because you're most attracted to her, then just say so. I don't understand what all the lip service is about in saying that things like "she really might be the one."

Quick tangent on that-did you see how she went to his place in Seattle, with his son Ty sleeping in the next room, when she broke out in her "stretchy pants"? For the record, I'm not complaining about the stretchy pants (definitely NOT the stretchy pants!) but her choice to wear something so skimpy with a little boy in the next room who could just spontaneously jump out of bed demanding orange juice. Is this consistent with a woman who is trying to be a mother? Really? You think the redheaded Desperate Housewife that he cut three weeks ago would've pulled that? OK, that's my tangent.

So ultimately, Jason the Bachelor has ended up with two women who are not motherly material. If I had to give an edge to one of the girls, I'd say that Molly would be the better choice only because of the three finalists she seems most genuinely in love with him. She's super fun and affectionate but at the same time she doesn't throw herself all over him mercilessly the way Melissa does (though let's clarify: for aesthetic purposes Melissa throwing herself all over someone is by no means in of itself a bad thing). If I were to go to Vegas with cash, I'd put my money on DeAnna-he's already made a string of head-slapping decisions that are destined for tragedy and this can't be any more apparent. You know what they say about birds of a feather.

Simbarashe
Story by Simbarashe

Starpulse contributing writer


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