'Two And A Half Men' – Big Head Baby Boy Jake Joins The Army In Season Finale
Jake greets Alan with a “good morning,” although it’s two p.m. He says he slept in, but is surprised to hear its Sunday, since he can’t figure out what happened to Saturday. Alan’s concerned; Jake’s graduating from high school in a few days, and has no idea what he’ll do next. As he tells Jake that he’ll never amount to anything if he sleeps all day, a naked Walden wanders into the kitchen, having just wakened as well.
Jake and Eldridge sit on Jake’s bed in their graduation cap and gowns, eating pizza. Both can’t handle their parents nagging about the future. They’ve been told they must get jobs if they’re not going to college. As far as they’re concerned, the only thing they can see in their future is frozen yogurt. They decide to go out, still wearing their robes, in the hopes of attracting smart chicks.
In the car, Alan takes a call from Judith, who wants Alan to ask Walden to get Jake a job. Lyndsey, who’s been listening to the conversation, asks Alan to also ask for a job for Eldridge.
Alan drops by the new office that Walden has set up with Billy Stanhope, bearing an office plant. Walden gives Alan $100.00 as a graduation gift for Jake. Alan asks if Walden would consider hiring Jake for the new company. Walden says there aren’t any openings, but Billy thinks they should give Jake a chance. And Alan manages to weasel a job for Eldridge in the company as well, before dashing off.
Billy and Walden show Jake and Eldridge the office. Neither have questions about the job, beyond wondering where the cafeteria is located, and if donuts are available. Billy explains that they will have to maintain the drives. There are green lights above each drive; should one of the lights turn to red, they need to pop out the drive, and replace it with a fresh drive, located nearby. The boys think they can handle it. They’re not so sure when Walden tells them there is to be no dope smoking, either inside or outside of the building. They try to negotiate, but Walden is adamant – no smoking, and no brownies either. They’ll give it a shot. Walden reminds Billy that this was his idea.
Jake also thanks Walden for the graduation gift – of $50.00.
Later, the boys sit in the computer room, eating pizza, with their feet on the consoles. They figure they’ve got a great job, especially since Eldridge just downloaded 40,000 hours of porn. Of course, they’re using the companies drives for the downloads. They’re excited to be in on the ground floor of a new business. They’ll be rich! They’ll have their own cars, and chicks, and pot, and even chicks with pot! What could go wrong?
All of a sudden, several drives go bad simultaneously, almost like there might be a virus in the main drive. The sort of virus that you get from downloading porn from the internet. The drives begin sparking, as drive after drive becomes infected. Jake phones Billy to tell him what’s happening, as the entire computer room shuts down.
Walden asks the boys how the disaster happened. Jake blames faulty wiring, while Eldridge says it definitely couldn’t have been from a porn virus. Their main concern is when they’ll be getting paid. Walden stops Billy from attacking the boys.
Alan comes down for breakfast to find Jake and Eldridge at the table. He’s surprised to see them, as their shift doesn’t end until 8 a.m., and he was a little worried that they might burn the office down or something. Eldridge admits that it wasn’t ‘or something.’
The boys head for the mall, where they decide that they need to find ‘adventure capitalists’ so that they can become ‘entrepeneers.’ All they need is a good idea, like finding foods other than corn dogs that can be put on a stick and sold. As they consider pizza or pie on a stick, a nearby recruiting officer calls them over, and offers them a job.
Walden comes home from work, completely exhausted and furious at the boys. Alan and Lyndsey immediately tell him how sorry they are for what happened. He asks them if they realize that their children are not normal. Alan blames Eldridge, saying he’s a bad influence. Lyndsey can’t believe Alan would say that about her son. Alan and Lyndsey argue over whose son is the bad influence.
Jake and Eldridge burst in the door, saying that they have not only gotten jobs, they have gotten involved in an ‘adventure;’ they’re going to be all they can be. They’ve joined the army.
Alan goes to the mall to see the recruiting officer, who offers him a job, despite his age. “Today’s army is all inclusive,” he says, “you can be as old and as gay as you want.” Alan says he wants to talk about his son, Jake. The officer finds Jake’s application, and says that Jake wants to be a drone pilot. Alan says that Jake thinks it’s like playing a video game. The officer says it’s exactly like a video game, except that they blow up real people.
Alan tries to explain to the officer that he loves his son, but more importantly, he loves his country. Which is why he doesn’t think his son should have access to flying bombs, or really, any kind of weapons. The officer tries to reassure Alan that the army’s training takes boys and turns them into men. Since Alan can’t convince the officer to tear up Jake’s registration, he tries to steal the paperwork instead. But the officer tells him he’s only stolen the copy.
At the Beach House, the family is having a party to celebrate Jake’s new job. Herb tells Jake that he’s proud of him. Herb was only ever in the Kiss army, but he doesn’t think that counts. Judith is sobbing uncontrollably, not willing to let her big headed baby go. Berta says she won’t miss Jake; he’s just an extra toilet to clean, when he manages to hit the toilet. But she chokes up too, as she remembers Jake as a little boy. Grandma Evelyn says she’s always been proud of him, in her own way. And Walden hugs Jake, while remembering how he had to stop Billy from beating him up after the disaster at the office.
Jake tells Alan to cheer up; he won’t have to buy him clothes anymore, as the army will give him a dress uniform, a work uniform, and even a uniform for when he’s tired. They call them ‘fatigues.’
The family walks Jake to the door, where he assures them they needn’t worry about him – they should worry about the nation’s enemies. But Walden admits that he is worried.
We next see Jake and Eldridge struggling through boot camp, and wondering when they’ll be flying planes. Jake thinks he’ll skip the five mile run after lunch, and take a nap instead.
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