Previously on Two and a Half Men, Zoey and daughter Ava moved in to the Beach House with Walden, while Alan stayed with Lyndsey. Neither man enjoyed their changed circumstances, and couldn’t wait for things to get back to ‘normal.’
As Walden wondered how to tell Zoey that he just couldn’t live with Ava’s energy level, Zoey told him that he had become Ava’s hero, and that he was all she talked about. So Zoey thinks that perhaps it would be a good idea for the two of them to move in permanently.
Alan knocks at the door. He’s back! With suitcase in hand, he’s ready to move back in, but is shocked to hear that Walden’s changed his mind. Alan’s angry, but says that he’ll figure something out. If nothing else, he’s a survivor ….
Until he heads for the door, and has chest pains. At first, Walden thinks Alan is faking, but quickly realizes that Alan’s ill, and he calls 911.
At the hospital, Walden assures the staff that Alan is to have the best possible care. As it turns out that Alan’s health insurance includes a $500,000.00 deductible, he’s going to need Walden’s help. Zoey also wonders if Alan’s heart attack isn’t just a bit convenient, occurring when it did.
The doctor tells them that Alan had a minor heart attack. He should be fine, but he needs rest and as little stress as possible for a month or two.
Walden visits Alan, who is woozy and on a morphine drip. As Alan remembers that Zoey is moving in, and he’s moving out, his heart monitor begins beeping wildly, so Walden says Alan can stay at the house as long as he wants and needs.
Alan wakes to hear his mother talking about his heart attack, and saying that she doesn’t know what she’d do if anything happened to him; she’s already lost her ‘good’ son. She also wants to know if the hospital validates parking
Next, Alan sees the shadows of son Jake and Lyndsey on the curtain as they speak to Walden. He overhears Jake saying that someone else put the pot in his locker, and Lyndsey having no problem with Alan recuperating at the Beach House.
When he awakes again, he sees a large woman in a bowling shirt sitting on the end of his bed, smoking a cigar.(Guest star Kathy Bates.) She says she’s Charlie, and tells him a disgusting story about his youth to convince him that she really is his brother. He tests her by asking what Charlie’s five favorite words to hear from a woman are. She says, “I can’t spend the night,” and he believes!
He can’t understand why Charlie looks so different, and wonders if he’s been reincarnated. Charlie assures him that he’s in hell, and that walking around in this ‘old broad’s body’ is supposed to be some type of eternal damnation. But the jokes on them – boobs are still boobs!
He/she says he’s come to tell Alan that it’s not too late to turn his life around, and to stop being a parasite. Alan lived off Charlie for eight years, and is now living off Walden. Alan says that Walden is his friend, and invited him to stay, but Charlie says Alan is no one’s friend, just a useless appendage like tonsils. Alan has to get out of the house, make his own life, and start pulling his own weight. It’s his last chance. Alan says he will. And the Charlie-vision leaves.
Back at the Beach House, Walden, Skyping Zoey, wants to know what to do about Alan – the last time he asked him to leave, he almost died. She wonders if that means Alan will be there until he dies. Walden says it’s just until Alan gets back on his feet, but Zoey thinks that Alan doesn’t have any feet – he’s a footless man. She wonders why Alan doesn’t live with his mother, or Lyndsey, but he doesn’t really get along with either woman. She worries that they’re stuck with him forever, the herpes of houseguests.
The doorbell rings, and its Alan, who’s checked himself out of the hospital. He’s determined to stop being a parasite and stand on his own two feet. He’s just come to grab his stuff, and leave. He assures Walden that he needs to make a big change in his life. He’s found a place online, and he’s moving in. Zoey has been adding remarks to their conversation from the computer. Walden says not to listen to Zoey, but Alan says Zoey is right. She’s an angry, coldhearted teabag, but she’s right.
On the phone in his new apartment, Alan tells Jake that neither of them will be living at the Beach House any longer. Jake can visit him at his new place, but he won’t have his own room – or bathroom. And he might need a tetanus shot. But Jake’s always welcome.
As Alan prepares for bed, he tells himself that it’s not much, but it’s his, and he’s beholden to no one. He’s self-sufficient.
At the Beach House, Zoey tells Walden that she almost misses Alan, now that he’s finally gone. But when Walden agrees, she says she’s kidding. As they enjoy their privacy, the door swings open and Jake and his friend Gabby enter. He says they’re going to hang out in his room. Walden asks Jake if he’s spoken to his father lately, and Jake says he hasn’t. Walden tells Zoey to look on the bright side; Jake might share some of his pot with them.
Alan is woken by the Charlie-vision, who laughs at the place Alan’s living in, and says that he had to come back from hell to do it, but he finally got Alan out of his house. It wasn’t about Alan becoming a better person; the Charlie-vision was just screwing with him. Alan thinks he’s having a nightmare, but each time he jerks awake, the Charlie-vision is still there, mocking him.
The next morning, Alan returns to the Beach House, trying to figure out how to get invited back in. He thinks he’ll fake another heart attack. When Walden answers the door, Alan says he’s just forgotten a few things. “Like your son?” asks Walden. Alan’s surprised that Jake, knowing they weren’t living there anymore, came back. Alan then fakes another heart attack.
At the hospital, the doctor says that Alan’s heart appears to be perfectly fine. Walden asks when he can take him home, and Zoey is furious. Walden says he’s sorry, but he can’t have Alan’s death on his conscience.
In the waiting room, Jake is confronted by the Charlie-vision, who calls him ‘tater-head.’ Jake says only Charlie ever called him that. But he can’t work out what that means. So Charlie, accompanied by two gorgeous women, returns to hell without giving Jake any advice.