So let’s say you’re a TV writer, and you have completely run out of ideas for your character. Do you scour the Internet for new products, get out of your filthy apartment and see what normal people do, or even quit your job as the abject failure you are? Not if you write for Two and a Half Men, you don’t. You dig down deep in your psyche, and try to find an incident in your miserable past where you were so desperate to have sex with a woman that you would put up with literally anything she did, no matter how vile or disgusting. Like projectile vomiting. In your mouth. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Zoey and Walden share a frightening moment on his private jet as they return from a quick jaunt to San Francisco for a fried clam snack. Walden’s reaction to his fear is to blurt out “I love you” to Zoey. Zoey, however, doesn’t say it back to him. In fact, she says, “I don’t want to die.” Even when he says it again, she repeats “I don’t want to die.” Walden is devastated.
“Ah, what’s sadder than an empty bottle of wine?” wonders Lyndsey. “Being the boyfriend of a 40 year old drunk soccer mom,” says Alan gallantly. Alan wonders if Lyndsey might be drinking too much, although she says she just needs a couple of glasses to loosen her up – presumably before facing sex with Alan.
Walden mopes in, depressed that Zoey doesn’t seem to share his feelings. Who better to ask for love advice from than Alan, the perpetual loser? Alan isn’t much help, although the incident does cause him to have a stilted conversation with Lyndsey about their own relationship. Neither of them will admit to loving each other either.
As Alan dresses the next morning, Walden again wants to talk about Zoey. He wonders if he should break up with her, especially as she’s about to leave for a two week business trip in England, and he’d rather end their relationship now, than be miserable the whole time. Alan assures him that some people just have a problem with articulating their feelings, but are able to express those feelings in other ways.
Cue Lyndsey’s adorable expression of affection – she can be heard vomiting in the bathroom, violently and copiously, throughout the rest of Alan and Walden’s conversation. The sound and smell of her retching drives both nauseated men from the room. But don’t worry – we’ll come back to this when Berta refuses to clean the mess lovely Lyndsey has left in Alan’s bathroom, and forces him to clean it up himself.
Walden drops by Zoey’s apartment, where Nigel is picking up Ava as Zoey rushes about, preparing for her trip. She hasn’t time to talk, and refuses to discuss her lack of response to his “I love you.” He takes her reluctance as a rejection, and storms off, vowing to have no more relationships with women. But at the elevator, the door opens to reveal a young, hot blonde in a skin tight red dress. Instantly he recovers from his depression.
Jake asks Alan for $75.00 for a video game, claiming that the game will teach him how to kill terrorists. Berta wonders if Lyndsey is pregnant, after seeing the vomit encrusted bathroom. Jake offers to clean up the room for the $75.00.
Walden wanders in with Jennifer, the blonde from the elevator. When Alan takes Walden aside for a private word, Jake tries to chat up Jennifer. Walden says that Zoey made it perfectly clear that she neither loves him nor needs him, so he’s moving on. Zoey calls him on his video phone, and he takes the call in his bedroom. She’s miserable to have left him that way, and confesses that she is afraid to say “I love you” because bad things have happened both times she’s said them in the past – once to her ex-husband, and once to Russell Brand. Neither ended well.
Just as she’s about to say “I love you,” Jennifer saunters into the bedroom, loudly exclaiming over how nice the room is. Zoey is furious that he couldn’t even wait until her plane left before bringing another woman home, and hangs up on him.
Walden asks Alan and Lyndsey to join him on a quick plane trip to England, with Alan as his witness to his not having had sex with Jennifer – who is still at the Beach house with Jake, believing that Walden will be ‘right back.’ While Alan and Lyndsey enjoy a gourmet meal and wine on the jet, Jake seduces Jennifer – five times, in the best half hour of his life.
Lyndsey, quickly drunk on the red wine, tries to sloppily tell Alan that, despite giving him a hard time, she really, really loves him. She then vomits all over him. When Walden reaches for a cloth, she vomits on him as well. Both men lose their dinners, and the jet interior becomes a vomitorium.
In England, Alan assures Zoey that nothing happened between Walden and ‘that woman.’ Walden, Alan and Lyndsey are all wearing “My heart belongs to London” t shirts, looking, as Zoey puts it, like Japanese tourists. Zoey says that only her call interrupted what would have been sex between Walden and Jennifer. Zoey is still furious, but as he turns to leave, she admits that she does love him.
As they watch Zoey and Walden kiss, Alan and Lyndsey also profess their love for each other. As they kiss, Lyndsey begins to vomit again, and Alan yells, “not in my mouth!”
I did warn you, right at the beginning of this recap.