'Two And A Half Men' - A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes
While Walden and the half man cruise the grocery aisles, Jake wonders how to get a share of Walden’s vast fortune, whether by inheritance or by working as Walden’s errand boy. Walden enjoys doing his own shopping, as he wouldn’t know what to put on his grocery list if he didn’t know what was available. Their chat is interrupted when a gorgeous British woman named Zoe asks Walden a question. Walden asks her for a date after being prompted by Jake.
Back at the Beach house, Alan is poring over his bills and credit cards, hoping to balance his budget by paying the Visa with the AmEx, the AmEx with the Discovery, and so forth. Bertha calls this playing ‘Seven Card Screwed’, a game she knows well. Alan wonders if he should ask Walden for a short term loan, but Bertha reminds him that both he and his son are already living rent free, and she thinks Walden might not appreciate being asked for more handouts. And Alan probably should conceal the fact that his interest in Walden isn’t as altruistic as it appears. Alan’s role in Walden’s life is more like that of the small birds that pick food out of a hippo’s teeth.
Walden and Jake bring in the groceries, and Walden tells Alan about Zoe. Walden notices the credit cards, but doesn’t realize the financial fix Alan is in. He only has one credit card - the one he used to buy his private plane.
Alan tries to pawn his old Gateway computer, but the pawn broker equates its usefulness with the bowlful of glass eyes he has in the back room. Alan also discovers that the ‘diamond’ cufflinks his mother gave him when he graduated college aren’t real diamonds. Desperate for cash, he shows the broker a Steuben vase that had been a wedding present he managed to keep when Judith left. Unfortunately, he becomes so excited upon hearing that he’ll get $1200.00 for the vase, that he accidentally breaks it.
Back home, Jake’s got Walden’s car washed and ready to go, and Walden tips Jake $100.00. Alan advises Walden that his date might be more successful if he removes his wedding ring. Walden hasn’t taken off his rhodium and platinum band in years. (Rhodium is the most expensive metal in the world.) Walden removes the ring, and gives it to Alan, because Alan is broke, and the ring is an anchor chaining him to the past. Alan coos ‘my precious’ to the ring as Walden leaves. He then takes the ring to the same pawn broker, who quotes a buy price that has Alan hyperventilating.
British Babe Zoe turns out to be a lawyer with a five year old daughter. As they chat over dinner, she realizes that he’s still in love with his wife. When he takes her home, she tells him she doesn’t want to get involved with him, as he’s still married to Bridget mentally. He’s not ready to be dating yet. He denies still being in love with Bridget, but immediately calls her to tell her about his date.
Alan finds Walden moping on the beach. Walden tells Alan that his date was a flop because Zoe thinks he’s still hung up on Bridget. And Bridget agrees. So he may as well put his ring back on. Alan reluctantly returns the ring, but Walden changes his mind again, and throws the ring into the sea. As Alan stands stunned, Walden goes back into the Beach house. Alan runs into the water, trying to find his ‘precious.’
Climbing onto the verandah, empty handed, Alan finds Walden standing there. Alan is embarrassed but admits that he tried to find the ring, because he needs the money. Walden wonders why Alan didn’t just ask him for money. He would have just given him some. Surprisingly, Alan refuses Walden’s offer, saying he’d like to keep some self-respect. Walden calls Alan a ‘quality guy’ who is a true friend.
Alan wonders hypothetically if Walden would have given him, say, $100,000.00 if he’d asked, and Walden says, “Absolutely.” Alan heads back to the ocean.
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