'Two And A Half Men' – Alan Totally Loses It But 'Thanks You For The Intercourse'
You know how sometimes, you’re so looking forward to watching a TV show, and you almost feel sick with excitement, ‘cause you’re so hyped to see what they’ll do, so you have to lie down and deep breathe until you’ve calmed down a bit? Yeah, that didn’t happen to me at all last night.
The show opened with Walden getting jazzed over finding a box of ‘Maple Loops’ in the cupboard for breakfast. He broke into the jingle for the cereal, while Alan looked sadly into space. Turns out, Charlie wrote that jingle, as well as many others, all of which Walden knows and sings. Walden’s impressed, and wonders if Alan misses his brother. Alan admits that he misses Charlie, but not the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning.
Later, Alan sadly plays the ‘Maple Loops’ theme on Charlie’s piano. He tells Walden a few stories about Charlie’s exploits, at, under, and on the piano, and says it’s all he has left of his brother, except for all the DNA he left on the couch, rug, floors, and walls. Walden answers the door to two burly men who’ve come to pick up the piano. Walden’s donated it to a music school for underprivileged kids. He’s redecorating, and needs the space. Alan empties the piano bench of Charlie’s personal things – songs, thongs, bongs and dongs, essentially. Alan admits a certain wistfulness mixed in with his revulsion at the sight.
Jake comes home to find Alan sitting splayed on the rug where the piano used to be, with a six pack of beer. Jake is a little miffed that they took the piano where he hid his best bong. They sit together. Alan says it seems that Charlie’s death is only now hitting him. Jake agrees, while trying to sneak a beer out of the case. Jake liked that Uncle Charlie didn’t treat him like a stupid kid, but rather like a stupid person. He also wonders why Charlie didn’t leave him anything, like a Mercedes. But Jake does have one treasure – a stock of Charlie-isms that will shape his life. “If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.” “It’s always better to say ‘sorry’ afterwards, then to ask for permission before.” And “If it’s burning, bleeding or oozing, go to see a doctor ASAP.” Words to live by.
But, Jake continues, what he learned the most from Charlie was that, by the time he’s the age Charlie was, he wants to be married and have a family, as Uncle Charlie was very lonely. Jake doesn’t want to be like Uncle Charlie. Nor does he want to be like his Dad. What he would like, though, is the number for this Doctor ASAP, because it’s not listed anywhere.
Alan goes out to a bar to drown his sorrows, ordering bourbon in honor of his late brother. The female bartender notes that he might have picked up a few things from Charlie, but it certainly wasn’t women or checks. Walden tracks down Alan at the bar. The bartender and another patron flirt with Walden, which only makes Alan more down. Regardless of Alan’s crazy warnings, the other patron goes home with Walden, while Alan whines that he couldn’t score a woman like that if his semen cured cancer.
Alan goes out on to the balcony, where he stares up into the sky and wonders if Charlie is up there somewhere, watching and laughing his ass off. Alan admits he would give anything to be like Charlie, even for just a day.
A dog bounds onto the balcony, while a woman (Natalie) calls out “Douglas? Where are you boy?” She rushes up to the balcony, apologizing for her dog’s behavior. They chat, and Alan is uncharacteristically smooth. He even tells her that his name is Charlie, and that he owns the beach house.
The next morning, Walden shows his pickup to the door, while we see Alan, Natalie and the dog all cuddled up in bed. Natalie is very appreciative of the night they’ve spent together. Later, in the kitchen, Alan pours himself a ‘hair of the dog’ scotch, while he casually waves goodbye to Natalie through the window. Berta and Walden are shocked as Alan continues to act and talk exactly like Charlie.
Jake and his girlfriend are shocked as well, when Alan bursts into his room. Alan is wearing one of Charlie’s bowling shirts, and sipping on a scotch, as he gives them advice on sex and contraception.
Jake takes his worries to Walden. Walden tells Jake that people process grief in different ways and Alan behaving like Charlie is likely his way to process. Walden tearily admits that he’s not sure when he’ll get over his divorce from his soul mate and lover, but in the meantime, he’ll try to carry on by having hot, drunk sex with strange women who don’t mind if you dance around in their panties. Jake wonders if everyone is turning into Uncle Charlie.
On the balcony, Alan savors a cigar in the night. “Cuban in one hand, Scotch in the other. All I need is a French chick in my lap and I’m the United Fricking Nations.” Walden tells Alan that people are worried about him, but Alan continues to talk exactly like Charlie. Walden suggest Alan needs to see the psychiatrist that Alan recommended to him. Alan sees no reason to see a shrink. “What’s your name?” says Walden. “Charlie Harper.” Says Alan. “You’re not fine,” Says Walden, “get some sleep, we’ll revisit this in the morning.”
Walden soaps up in the shower, singing the ‘Maple Loops’ jingle. Alan joins in, naked, still smoking the cigar and drinking a scotch. They ask each other what they are doing in their shower. Alan admires Walden’s penis, while commenting that his own seems a little less robust.
Walden offers Alan a trip to Vegas, and Alan, as Charlie, tells Walden they’ll be having a great time. Walden pulls up to the back entrance of a mental hospital, where two large attendants wait to greet Alan. In the ward, Alan talks into an imaginary phone as he orders up a bucket of ice, a bottle of Scotch, and two – no, make that three – Asian hookers. “Winning!” he says, as he pretends to hang up the pretend phone.
So, it’s been another bad week for Alan. Being possessed by your dead, egomaniacal brother would be fun for a while, but would probably get tiring. What do you think? Tell us your thoughts in the comment area below!
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