Two And A Half Men – 'The Squat And The Hover' - Recap
As Alan and Jake watch TV, Jake establishes that Alan is not paying any rent to Walden, and says he can’t wait until he grows up and finds a friend he can live off of. Walden enters, naked, carrying the mail, which contains a penis pump for Alan and Walden’s divorce papers. Walden is very upset about the papers, sure he’ll never find another soulmate. As he gestures wildly, Alan and Jake’s heads track the movement of Walden’s penis. When he leaves, the half man asks his dad to assure him he’s not stopped growing, and Alan hands him the penis pump box. Classy stuff!
Walden opts to burn all mementos of his life with Bridget, including their love letters, wedding pictures, and an adorable little monkey he bought her on their second date. He’s decided he’s ‘wiping the hard drive,’ ‘re-booting the system,’ and getting a fresh start in New York. Alan’s not good with Walden leaving, as that would leave him homeless again. He recommends that Walden see a psychiatrist that his brother, Charlie, used to go to. With nothing to lose, he agrees.
The psychiatrist, Dr. Freeman, played by Glee’s Jane Lynch, diagnoses him with depression as a result of repressed anger. He claims he’s not angry, so they discuss his childhood, which he says was wonderful. But his parents are no longer together and he doesn’t want to talk about it. His first memory was of his father disappearing when he was 3 - not from abandoning Walden and his mother but as an amateur magician’s signature trick. His father left when he was four, and he was raised by his mother who did everything for him. He felt very safe with her. When asked about Bridget, he finds himself using the exact same words to describe her as he did his mother, and he realizes he does indeed have some ‘issues.’ He has actually been treating Bridget as though she were his mother. Dr. Freeman suggests he come back to see her three times a week. She says he can stay in town and make his problems go away, or go away with his problems. He decides to stay.
Walden and Alan go to see a movie together (Walden pays) and run into Bridget, who’s with a date - Joe Manganiello from True Blood. Alan goes on and on about how gorgeous the man is. Walden hails Bridget, who comes over and introduces her date, Alex, to them. When Alex tells Walden he’s heard a lot about him, Walden responds with, “did you hear about my giant penis?” Again, class will out.
Turns out Alex is a humanitarian cosmetic surgeon who travels the world, helping children in war zones. Walden is rude and childish during the encounter. Alex asks Bridget privately if Walden is gay. In the theatre, Walden calls Alex ‘Conan the Humanitarian’ while Alan says he can’t understand how Bridget keeps attracting exceptional men. He doesn’t seem to think Bridget is attractive at all. He asks Walden if she has a magic vagina. Ewww!
After the movie, Alan and Walden retreat to a bar to drown Walden’s sorrows. A woman orders a drink, and Walden thinks the woman, Dani, looks exactly like Bridget. But Dani is gay, and with her girlfriend, Kiki, a dumb blond bombshell. Walden and Alan pretend to be gay as well and Walden kisses Alan.
The foursome return to the beach house, where Alan assumes they’ll get the girls drunk and then flip them to ‘Team Penis,’ but Walden only wants to be friends with Dani, since she so resembles Bridget. He apologizes to Alan for kissing him, and Alan says that if a man is going to kiss him, he prefers the man look like the Son of God.
While Walden and Dani talk about growing up gay, Alan tries to assess exactly how gay Kiki really is. One thing is certain, she’s really not bright. Walden breaks down and admits to Dani that he’s not gay; he just wanted to hang out with her because she reminds him of his wife. She’s ok with that, but then realizes that Alan is putting the moves on Kiki. Finding Alan kissing Kiki, Dani slugs him – three times – in the nose.
The next day, Walden tries to cheer up Alan and his broken nose by taking him to a movie. In another pointless ‘honesty’ exercise, Alan admits that he was oblivious to Walden’s feelings when he suggested he see a psychiatrist rather than move to New York. He wants Walden to be happy, wherever he goes, but says he will miss him. Walden says he’d miss Alan as well, but he’s not going anywhere. How could he leave his best friend? Walden puts his arm around Alan, and Alan puts his head lovingly on Walden’s shoulder as Bridget and Alex, sitting about four tiers above them, look on in disbelief.
Another week, another dozen penis jokes. Walden clearly would benefit from therapy, but what about Alan, and his barely disguised dislike of women? A therapist would have a lot to say about Alan’s relationships with his mother, wife, and assorted girlfriends. Poor Jake’s got a fine future ahead of him, with these role models. What do you think? Still hanging in? Discuss.
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