This week, House torments Cuddy but can’t get a rise out of her, diagnoses a young, homeless man with an allergy to vegetables, and marries a multi-tasking alien so she can get a green card. Hey kids! You really CAN be allergic to vegetables!
In the state park, two precocious boys launch a model rocket. When the parts fall from the sky aflame, they discover a young, luxuriously bearded, homeless man (Chris Marquette) has had his arm set on fire. Someone’s getting grounded for this!
House arrives at his team’s meeting on a Segway, accompanied by a gorgeous brunette. He is unimpressed with the homeless man’s case, until told about the man’s messed up odor senses; burnt flesh smells like licorice, and antiseptics, like blueberry muffins. Intrigued, House begins a preliminary diagnosis, and introduces his companion as Dominika (Karolina Wydra,) whom he will be marrying on Friday.
Of course, our young patient has given a false name – Ferris Bueller – because ‘everyone lies.’ When Masters and Foreman attempt to get more information, ‘Ferris’ refuses to give his real name, saying that he’s not paying for the hospital stay or tests. In hospital clothes, long scars and burn marks are visible, and the patient says the wounds were inflicted by his father.
Trawling the halls on his Segway, House is handing out wedding invitations. As he stops to give one to Cuddy, she tells him he cannot use the scooter in the hospital. House cites the New Jersey handicap ordinances, but is informed that the Segway is not included as a vehicle. However, she will make an exception for him.
Wilson confronts House about the upcoming nuptials, claiming that House is just trying to upset Cuddy, but House counters that he is marrying Dominika so that she can get a green card, and that, in exchange, she will provide him with her services for four days a week as live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist and whore, saving him about $33,000 a year. He also produces an ‘iron clad’ prenuptial agreement.
Foreman and Masters return to their patient’s bedside to administer an odor ID test, and discover him shaved and tidy. The patient extravagantly fails the test, identifying body odor as peppermint, and baby powder as rotting meat. Meanwhile, Chase and Taub return from searching the man’s burrow in the park, and have found a tin full of needles and cotton swabs. When questioned, ‘Ferris’ denies being a drug addict, and says he was injecting himself with vitamin supplements to boost his immune system. Taub has also found a quantity of books, inscribed with the name ‘Danny Jenkins’. Danny tries to get out of bed, but falls back with pain and gastrointestinal bleeding.
House demands that Danny be tested for heroin as well as other possible drugs, but blood tests are clean. However, testing on Danny’s hair reveals that he used heroin in the past. Now Danny claims to have been clean for three months, after undergoing rehab following a ‘death’ experience – he was pronounced clinically dead, but recovered. Masters, still concerned about the internal bleeding, wants to run tests ruling out an intestinal blockage. It is discovered that the patient has 13 masses in his colon, that turn out to be pieces of bone. Danny admits to having eaten odd things, including chicken bones, on a dare from a masochistic chef in return for normal food. And suddenly Danny has developed tunnel vision. What on earth is wrong with this boy?
Taub discovers he has not been invited to House’s wedding, although Foreman and Chase are included in the party, and he confronts House, only to discover that Dominika is under the desk, apparently connecting a television cable.
Meanwhile, House continues to bring new toys into the hospital, including a pair of remote control helicopters that he and Dominika are flying in the atrium of the hospital. When he spots Cuddy giving a hospital tour to two potential donors, he flies his copter into a flower vase, which smashes at their feet. Cuddy tells the donors that the accident was caused by a patient from the children’s ward.
Danny experiences claustrophobia as Chase and Taub attempt to get an image of his brain. Although Taub is suspicious of Danny’s claims, Chase feels Danny deserves respect for his belief in God giving him a second chance. The MRI reveals two dark spots on the parietal cortex. House believes the spots are signs of schizophrenia, and the other symptoms, hallucinations. Masters worries about the patient’s future.
House continues to bombard Cuddy with requests for unnecessary items, all of which are granted. Wilson is appalled at House’s bad behaviour, accusing him of being a sadist, pummelling an opponent who isn't fighting back. House’s next toy is a monster car, which he takes on a joy ride with the team while discussing the patient’s newest symptom, pain in his undamaged arm. It is decided to test Danny’s DNA, but the amount of diseases from which he could be suffering is daunting. To narrow down the odds, Chase and Masters have ferreted out the patient’s information from records at the state rehab centre, and they visit Danny’s father, where they discover that the real Danny Jenkins died three months earlier of a drug overdose. Once again, their patient is anonymous.
After visiting Danny’s room, House determines that the symptoms point to Parkinsons Disease, and the DNA test is run to confirm the diagnosis.
Wilson can’t believe that Cuddy is allowing House to run roughshod over the hospital, and says that, while Cuddy may think she is assuaging her own guilt, in fact, House needs a boss who can manage his idiosyncrasies and challenge his childish behaviour. Cuddy faces up to House, denying him the use of the hospital chapel for his wedding, and demanding the large screen television be returned. When House whines about Cuddy ruining his plans, she tells him that it’s ‘not my problem’.
While tending to Danny, Masters counsels him on his depression, giving him a pep talk about his future. Suddenly, Danny passes out, and has to be revived with the crash cart. House realizes that since arriving with a burnt arm, the patient has developed tunnel vision, peripheral polyneuropathy, cerebellar ataxia, and now cardiomyopathy. Searching for a cause within the hospital, he checks the dietary notes, and diagnoses Adult Refsum disease. It's the healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him. (Children around the world cheer!) This will be verified with a gene test, but meanwhile, House has a wedding to attend.
Taub has been relegated to ring bearer, and Chase stands in as officiant, as House and Dominika exchange very brief vows. She says “I Do”, and he says, “Yep.” Cuddy sadly walks away as the happy couple are pronounced man and wife. Wilson is sympathetic, but Cuddy is resigned to House’s madness. Later, House and Dominika watch television at home, but when she tells House that she really likes him, he tells her he likes her too, but doesn’t sleep with married women. She can have the couch, he’s going to bed.
With the patient stabilized and informed of his diagnosis, Masters assures Danny that his prognosis is good, as long as he eats properly and has regular checkups. The next morning, Danny has fled the hospital, and the FBI are swarming his room. Turns out that Danny’s DNA matched 13 crime scenes across the country. Danny is a serial killer, who eats his victims. And House’s team cured him. Yeah, Team!
HOUSE does not return until April 18, so we’ll see you in three weeks!