No One Saw This Coming From Amber Heard

On Miley’s “Wrecking Ball”

Nicholas Greenwood Nicholas Greenwood
9/12/2013 12:44pm EDT

Here’s the thing.

This is a very sexual video for a very “emotional” song. I mean, it’s got the depth of a Journey song, actually, ‘Faithfully’ had more emotional depth then this song, strike that, sorry Journey. Cyrus has been trying to go on record to say that people are supposed to look past the nudity and her licking a sledge hammer (I’ll get to that in a bit) and they’ll see that it’s about being emotionally naked during a relationship that’s going sour. Well, maybe it is. But really what it seems like is that this video is continuing Miley’s quest to continue to keep people talking about her. Warning, Pop stars are attention whore’s…

Let’s go back a few years. Hannah Montana ends, Miley comes out saying she wants to escape her Disney past and who doesn’t, it worked for JT and Gosling. Party in the USA turns out to be a big hit, she has a few other minor songs that come out and for a few years, nothing. Just some crappy, virtually straight to DVD/VOD movies. She gets engaged to Thor’s brother, that’s basically the biggest thing that happens to her that’s positive. She starts a downward trend that we keep seeing with tween stars like her, drugs, sex, etc. It’s so normal at this point that it’s actually kind of scary.

And then “We Can’t Stop” hits. Miley has chopped her hair, dyed it blonde, she’s going for… well, I’m honestly not sure what to call the look, it reminds me of a dirtier version of Christina Aguilera back in the “Dirrty” phase. Then the Robin Thicke/VMA thing happened and now this. The media onslaught of Miley Cyrus has hit full stride and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down. Thanks to all the risqué behavior it keeps Miley in the spotlight. Generates buzz for her new album all the meanwhile people overlook how bad the music is.

I keep seeing people claim how good “Wrecking Ball” is as a song on its own. It’s not. It’s contains some of the most cliche lyrics in recent pop music history, and that includes Katy Perry songs!

“We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny”

I’m pretty sure I wrote that line in middle school. I mean Shakespeare it ain’t. Let’s look further.

“I put you high up in the sky
And now, you’re not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we’re ashes on the ground”

I don’t know what “It” is in It slowly turned… is she talking about her love? Rhyming down with ground? Someone really loves You know what had better lyrics and more simplistic than this? The Reading Rainbow theme song:

“Butterfly in the sky
I can go twice as high
Take a look
It’s in a book
A Reading Rainbow

I can go anywhere
Friends to know
And ways to grow
A Reading Rainbow

I can be anything
Take a look
It’s in a book
A Reading Rainbow
A Reading Rainbow”

That almost literally makes no sense, like, at all. And yet it’s inspiring. I just want to go cuddle up, have a nice cup of juice and let LeVar Burton read a book to me.

It doesn’t really get any better, the bulk of the song is mostly just the following lyrics repeated ad nauseum, like so:

“Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me”

There’s nothing about this that screams good. What it does scream is “relatable” and in times of break ups, people don’t generally want intelligence, they want something that affirms the way they already feel. Sometimes pop stars have fun with break ups, look at Pink with “So What” and Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You Been Gone” but this falls in the sappy, cliche, woe is me pop song like “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” which is a song that Miley has covered in the past. And yet Poison’s song is still better than this.

Let’s look at the video. This apparently broke all kinds of YouTube records and it’s no wonder. She’s FUCKING NAKED in the video, of course people are going to view it. When you can’t see her nipples in the straight up naked shots, you can see them through her white tank top. Of course this is going to break records, if you mute the damn video it’s not all that awful. She spends some time licking a sledge hammer. Let me repeat that for you, she spends some time licking a sledge hammer. She is licking a phallic symbol of manhood. Remember Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog, the villain/good-guy, Captain Hammer? “The hammer is my penis.” She’s swinging on a huge wrecking ball, it goes hand in hand with the sledge hammer, both destroy things… does anyone see where I’m going with this? No. Okay, the sledge hammer and wrecking ball are pounding away at her love… Boom. English majored.

Nothing I say in this blog post is revolutionary. Most people above the age of 15 are going to agree that this is a super cheesy song, yes it’s relatable, but I can think of at least five other songs about break-ups that are better than this. Ready?

1. Neil Sedaka – Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2. No Doubt – Don’t Speak

3. Justin Timberlake – What Goes Around Comes Around

4. Annie Lennox – Walking on Breaking Glass and No More I Love You’s (extra fun bit, Walking On Broken Glass features Hugh Laurie and John Malkovich)

5. Bill Withers – Ain’t No Sunshine

Bonus: Fleetwood Mac – Go Your Own Way

Bonus 2: Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark – If You Leave (this is probably the first time these guys have been mentioned in nearly thirty years)

The best part of this whole video has been the Vine spoof:

Sign up for our daily newsletter with great stories like this and more!