The sky is blue, water is wet, and Johnny Depp is ridiculously sexy.
These are facts you just can't argue with. If you tried to argue with that last one, millions of women (and a good number of men) would descend upon you with DVDs, posters, and issues of People Magazine as evidence.
He's just so... hot, what with the chocolate eyes and those sharp cheekbones. To top it off, the man is perhaps most irresistible as a pirate -- a promiscuous, unhygienic, clearly unbathed pirate -- as he proves once again reprising the role of Captain Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides."
Here we look at Depp's nine dreamiest roles.
9. 'Finding Neverland' (2004)
It may be wrong to see children's author J.M. Barrie as a sex symbol. But with Depp playing the legendary writer, it's inevitable. The combination of a dapper Edwardian suit, a light Scottish accent, his sensitivity to a lonely family, and willingness to play goofy children's games makes Depp a dreamboat. Oh, and he loves dogs! His Barrie is like a dating ad come to stunning life. The only problem is that you may feel guilty lusting through your tears.
8. 'From Hell' (2001)
As police inspector Frank Abberline, Depp had the grisly task of trying to capture Jack the Ripper. It's not the film you'd expect to find a heartthrob in, and the Victorian era wasn't a look that was kind to men. (Ugly sideburns. Droopy mustaches.) But the tousled hair, the furrowed brow, the rumpled suit, and his kindness to damsels in distress made him the stuff of romance novels. Plus the scene in the bathtub goes on a deliciously long time. There's a reason it's been given a poster of its very own.
7. 'Edward Scissorhands' (1990)
For many, there is only one pale, lonely and spiky-haired man named Edward... and his last name isn't Cullen. How is a man with hands that put Wolverine to shame sexy? Easy. It's in his sensitive and sad nature, and his desperate eagerness to please. When you ask him to hold you, he does. He defends you. And he makes snow for you to dance in. What's not to sigh over?
6. 'Donnie Brasco' (1997)
Depp plays so many weird and outlandish characters that it's easy to forget how good he looks in normal clothing, especially the clothing of the 1970s. He rocks the leather jackets, tight pants, tinted shades, and open-necked shirts. Donnie Brasco is the best of both worlds – a swaggering bad boy living large, and a cop and family man who is trying to do the right thing. It's also one of his most physical roles, and a sweaty, butt-kicking Depp is never difficult to watch. All the inner- and outer-conflict makes you just want to hold him close, smooth back his hair, and make him feel safe again. And did we mention the tight pants?
5. 'Don Juan DeMarco' (1994)
Depp as the legendary lover Don Juan? We must have been very good in 1997. The film is simply two hours of Depp's bronzed pecs and longing brown eyes, and lush descriptions of how a woman's hand matches her body. There's very little sex or nudity, but it's pure sensuality, and the stuff of daydreams.
4. 'Public Enemies' (2009)
"I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars, whisky . . . and you. What else you need to know?" Nothing, when you look that scorching in pinstripes and a snappy fedora. So John Dillinger robs banks? He'll promptly buy you something pretty with the proceeds, drive you around in fast cars, and spend hours with you in a hotel. Sounds good to us.
3. 'Cry-Baby' (1990)
Is there anything prettier than a pouting bad boy on a motorcycle? As Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker, Depp is the brooding successor to James Dean. He's had a lousy life, he runs with the bad boys, but underneath he's just desperate to be loved. He sings, he cries, he gets a teardrop tattoo for his girlfriend... and oh, did we mention the tight white t-shirt?
2. 'Chocolat' (2000)
A big part of Depp's appeal is his offbeat gypsy persona, and Roux in "Chocolat" is a perfect embodiment of it. He speaks with an Irish lilt, makes jewelry, and spends his days playing a guitar while floating down the French countryside. He'll happily come by to get that squeak out of your door ... but we all know it's not hinges he'll be handling.
1. 'Pirates of the Caribbean' Trilogy (2003-2007)
Pirates really shouldn't be sexy. They're drunk, they're dirty, and they viciously take anything they want. Jack Sparrow is all of these, and a double-crosser to boot. But his happy and hedonistic personality is more intoxicating than rum, the dreadlocks are delicious, and his eyeliner makes his eyes smolder. And his shirt is often falling open just so. Who wouldn't want to perform a marriage right here, right on this deck ... right now?
Originally published Dec. 9, 2010.