In case you’ve missed episodes from this season of The Bachelorette, we can catch you up by saying this: Ali prefers one organ on a man to be really, really big: . . . his brain. That’s right, she selected a mixed bag of complete nerds. Granted, once these guys get their shirts off, they’re all ripped, but never before has such a band of dorks been assembled on this program. It’s like Lambda Lambda Lambda in that house.
Here’s a quick, superficial, judgmental lowdown on the guys remaining just before the most recent episode aired:
Chris N: This guy is not good looking at all. He looks like NBA Hall of Famer Kevin McHale, and few would agree Kevin was sexy, even when he was shooting free throws with his notoriously hairy armpits for all of America to see.
Craig R: This guy . . . Not so good looking, right?
Frank: He’s a little stalkerish about Ali. Also, he quit his job to move in with his parents and write screenplays. Chasing your dream is great, but that . . . that might not work out. Also, kind of nerdy-looking, right?
Hunter: Wow. This poor guy is the nerdiest one. He made zero moves on his one-on-one date and got the ax (the opposite of the rose) in record time. He seems super-nice, but seeing these two together just looked wrong. If you saw them walking hand-in-hand you’d assume he were a friend (not even a brother because he’s not pretty enough). Ali is smokin’-hot, so why would she date a guy who looks like Willem Dafoe? I think she had every intention of finding a way to like this guy since he wrote her a cute song in the first episode and he’s really sweet, but ultimately, it just can’t work because you can’t date over three points below or above your rating; you can’t argue with science/statistics.
Jonathan (“The Weather Man”): When he had to act in a kissing scene for a music video they were filming, this poor kid was literally shaking, and Ali had to calm him down while all the other bachelors made fun of him, making him cry a little bit. It was just embarrassing and sad, but after that, she did not eliminate him! Why is ABC casting guys who look as if they’ve never kissed a girl? There have to be better prospects out there.
John C.: This guy seems really cool and all, but he literally looks like Pee-Wee Herman. When he didn’t get a rose, I expected to get on his scooter and fly off into the sunset. Crying.
Kasey: This goofball has the weirdest voice ever; It kind of sounds like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. It would come as no surprise if on one of their dates he throws her in an unmarked van, takes her to his basement, and says “It puts the lotion on its skin.” Actually, he is a bit of a nut-job because in an upcoming episode he slits his wrist over Ali. No joke!!
Justin: He’s a professional wrestler who calls himself Rated R and everyone hates him but Ali, not unlike Wes the country singer from the last Bachelorette. It wasn’t clear what was so bad about this guy at first, but after seeing him hobble on his crutches (pile-driver injury?) three miles to her place, lie about it to everyone, and then talk smack to the other guys about how much better he’s doing with Ali, it’s starting to make sense why he is so unpopular. He straight-up taunts the poor Hunter (Willem Dafoe) when he was packing his bags after getting eliminated, despite the fact that Hunter was nothing but nice to everyone. What a tool! Actually, what a heel, as in a bad guy wrestler! He may have a future . . .
The bottom line is this, Ali probably dated a series of very attractive men who turned out to be a-holes, and here she figured she’d try some nice guys on for size. But, slowly but surely she is sending the nerdy guys home and hitting it off with the select-few hot dudes.
Life’s predictable: people tend to pair off with those who are in close proximity to their own level of hotness, and dorky guys still don’t do well with really pretty women. Ali, you have attempted something noble here, but you just can’t fight natural selection, if natural selection figures in at all into reality television.