This is going to cover two episodes of "The Bachelorette
", and each episode is two hours, so in the interest of not making this thing too long, we'll just hit the highest of highs and lowest of lows, mostly the ladder, of course.
- Michael, the breakdance instructor had a one-on-one date with Jillian which seemed to go well, she likes him, thinks he is funny, but there was no physical connection. One wonders why that is when they have so much in common and hit it off so well. Well, let's see, he's a flamboyant . . . dance instructor . . . who wears pink sweaters . . . Yeah, must just be a lack of chemistry type thing.
- Ed the technology consultant confessed to Jillian that he got a call from his boss saying that he can either stay on the show and look for love, or come back to work and be employed. Ultimately, he was really sad to go because he had feelings for her, but he had to go back to work. She was sad, too, and said afterwards that she feared that the other guys would get similar thoughts like, "yeah, maybe I should get my ass back to my job in the real world and quit chasing this crazy booze hound who's somehow in love with 12 guys simultaneously." That's a great way to go out, choosing your career, rather than get dumped followed by lamenting and crying in a limosine. Keep an eye out for Ed as the star of the next season of The Bachelor
, unless he does something stupid again like choosing his career over getting himself on television and fricking being somebody.
- Does falling in love with 12 different people at once really sound that great? It actually sounds pretty gut-wrenching, confusing, and emotionally taxing. Well, Jillian seems to be having a blast, and she really does seem to fall for all these guys. It seems legitimate and not solely due to the amount of alcohol she puts down, but that doesn't hurt. Jillian would say of Ed that she would miss him, but that he wasn't the only guy she was falling for, which is true. It wouldn't be too big a surprise if she were falling for the cheesy host guy, the director, a camera guy or two, maybe a grip, whatever it is a grip does . . .
- During the Rose Ceremony, Jillian, in a dress that looks like one worn by a lady on Star Trek when the crew is beemed down to a planet of ruthless space women in weird-ass clothing, would send home Mark, the shy, socially awkward "pizza entrepaneur." Mark would later say that he had been cheated on by four different women, so maybe this wasn't the show for him, what with all those other hot dudes making out with his girlfriend and all.
Image © American Broadcasting Inc.
Tanner P., the foot fetish guy, came clean to the other bachelors that it was he who told Jillian that someone in the house had a girlfriend. Wes the country singer immediately got defensive, saying how he hates taddle-tales, tipping anyone else who didn't already know that he was the girlfriend guy. Wes then confided to the other guys that he is pleased with the publicity the show will get him for his country singing career, as he has already been on "around six shows," sang her one of his songs, and if he sticks around long enough he "might just get the girl." Is it really good publicity to be this openly self-serving and a-holeish? Well, he may not like taddle-tales, but he just created around five more who are going to tell Jillian everything he just said. Well, he'll just sing her a song, and everything will be okay for old Wes.
Reed, the worst snowboarder ever, went on a snowboarding date with Jillian. He fell down over-and-over-and-over, but he remained a good sport. He seems like a pretty good guy who actually can be kind of witty, but during their date the producers cut back to Jesse the winemaker saying that he is annoying and asks too many questions. Well, annoying is a matter of opinion, and he's the last for sure straight guy who doesn't seem like a jerk, except Jake, who's "too perfect" for Jillian's taste. That still doesn't make much sense . . .
Tanner P., the foot fetish man, was eliminated. It was inevitable. His move of telling her about someone having a boyfriend but not giving up the name kept him around a little longer than he needed to be. Once she figured out he wasn't giving that name up, it was time for him to go. Plus, he was going a little crazier with each episode. At first he was a lot of fun, so fun that she kind of liked the feet thing. Then when he got irritable and crazy from the show's events, he was just a crazy foot freak. After being dumped, Tanner confided to the cameras that he would have sat by the fireplace with her and rubbed her feet all night long. How did a nut like this pass so through so many of this woman's rose ceremonies we'll never know, but it will be sad to see him go.
Jake was also let go for all that darned perfectness, and he would say in his post interview that the nice guy finishing last has been the story of his life. Relax, buddy. You're a ridiculously good-looking pilot. You're going to do just fine with the ladies. But wait, previews for next week reveal that Jake will come back to the next rose ceremony to reveal to her which guy has the girlfriend back home! You don't want to miss that, and you don't want to miss our snarky analysis. When do I get to be on The Bachelorette? I can see it now . . . Matthew. 32. Snarky Analyzer . . .
Story by Matthew J. Swanson
Starpulse contributing writer