'Bachelorette' Recap: A Nice Butt In Spandex, A Girlfriend Back Home & More
- Krypton, who kind of resembles an effeminate Steve Guttenberg, went on a one-on-one date with Jillian in which they engaged in the age old romantic Vancouver tradition of kayaking in the cold in separate boats. Jillian builds rapport with just about anyone she meets. Could it be all the alcohol she pours down her throat that makes these men seem so intoxicating? Whatever the case, Krypton, despite seeming really phony, nerdy, and boring, got himself a rose!
- Her next way of deciding which man was for her was to watch them curl. Yes, curling, everyone's favorite "sport" from the winter Olympics in which one guy pushes a sphere across ice, and two other guys frantically sweep in front of it with brooms, trying to get it to land in a circle. If you don't see the metaphor for how that proves what it takes to be a good man, then you're just not thinking hard enough or drinking nearly as much as Jillian.
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- Jake was deemed too perfect for Jillian, to which Jake denied emphatically, claiming that he has been labeled perfect his whole life. How tragic for him that such a vicious rumor followed him into this competition! Later, he would reassure her that he was in fact being himself, and what she was seeing, "that's Jake." In other words, he really is that perfect. She was not imagining things, and good of him to clear that up.
- Far from perfect is the always entertaining and always angry and offensive David, who started off his long-awaited alone time with Jillian by telling her how great her ass looked in spandex. He then followed it up by saying how he appreciated how her "tits" were hanging out as they had their conversation. Moments after that sweet talking, he though it a good time to go in for a kiss, to which she denied him, which astounded David as he claims to have never been denied a kiss in his life. Furthermore, he pointed out that she makes out with everyone else she meets, so why deny him? As much as one might think that essentially pointing out that she is slut would help a situation, she ended up getting offended. He did not seem deterred by her apparent and obvious disdain and for him, as he stated in an ensuing interview that, "The game is on." David, while we at Starpulse are thankful for that display, as we did rewind it several times for more laughs and assurance that it really did in fact happen, we believe that as an ill fated game of Pacman would have told you, a more appropriate phrase may be "game over."
Mike and Mark went on a double date, or is it a Canadian doubles date? Whatever you want to call it, it was a date in which two dudes took her out at once and the loser had to go home. Mike appeared to be the more charming of the two, while Mark the "pizza entrepreneur" appeared awkward and scared. In fact, he barely spoke. In an interview, as to how he felt with Mike doing all the talking, it made him feel like quarterback behind a defensive line. Don't you mean it's like Mike is the starting QB, and you're the backup, holding his clipboard? Wait, wouldn't the QB be behind his offensive line, and not the defensive one? Even so, how does that even apply? Maybe not talking is your best bet, Mark. Actually, as it turns out, it was! That and telling Jillian a long, boring story about when he got his heart broke. It seemed by the way he told it that he still was not over that girl, which can be viewed as dating suicide, but to Jillian, it was gold! Awkward Mark advanced, while the more suave and less socially bazaar Mike was sent on his way in a gondola. It's almost as if the producers just tell her who to pick, like this:
ABC: Who do you like, Mike or Mark?
Jillian: Well, duh! Mark's not very good-looking, and he is going to need a personality and perhaps some anti anxiety medication. I'll take Mike.
ABC: Did you say Mike or Mark? This 5k in cash says that we heard Mark.
Jillian: Uh . . . (looking at the stack of unmarked 100 dollar bills) Yup. Mark, that's what you heard all right. Get the Gondola ready for Mike.
- Tanner P., the man with the foot fetish, informed Jillian in private that there are men in the competition in it "for the wrong reasons," and at least one of them has a girlfriend back home. He is in it for two reasons, or ten if you're talking individual toes; this guy's in it for the feet. She then confronted all of the guys about the girlfriend issue, asking whoever has a girlfriend to reveal himself, with no such luck. After a long awkward moment, some men got frustrated, saying they came to find true love, and how dare some guy with a girlfriend try to woo the lovely Jillian, as if they were all thinking they were the only guy who got her drunk and made out with her. The angry David actually made his second good point, his first being that her ass looked good in spandex, when he said that if the guy with the boyfriend would not step forward, why not have the guy who made the accusation step forward and save all these "unsecure" feelings, whether that is a word or not? Tanner was unwilling to do that, but he did look awful nervous and said to Juan twice, "stop looking at me!"
- In the end, Jillian was unable to ascertain who has the girlfriend, but it would stand to reason that it's Wes, who another competitor would call "a country singing turd," who seems to be on the show to further his hunky, twangy country singing career. She kept him around as well as Tanner, the foot pervert, but sadly, she let go of the hard drinking and always angry David. You would think he would have let a few dozen F-bombs fly, or at least punch someone, but only one four-letter word came loose. We're surprised he didn't lament, "I'm going to miss those tits."
Story by Matthew J. Swanson
Starpulse contributing writer
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