And The Sexiest Music Videos Are...
5. Jennifer Lopez, "I'm Glad" (2003)
Video Concept: An homage to the 1983 film Flashdance, only with lots more junk in the trunk.
Okay, I admit it. I'm a huge fan of "Flashdance," and I watch it each and every time I come across it. She's "just a steel town girl on a Saturday night," welding by day and moonlighting as an artistic stripper, and I'm sucked into that stupid premise every time, not because it's a good story but because it's such a visually appealing film.
The film gave us so many classic scenes, and this music video mines it for all its worth, making use of the the water dumping part, the sweatshirt scene (only J. Lo doesn't take her bra off underneath it), and culminating with the famous dance audition. The scene I wish they had used was the one where she's wearing the sleeveless tuxedo thing and doing naughty things to shrimps with her tongue, but that's okay.
I noticed a few things when I revisited "I'm Glad." First off, she can really dance, whereas Jennifer Beals needed a stunt devil dancer. Second, she is a damn knock out. There are some singers that are sexy in their own ways, but they don't come a whole lot more straight-up pretty than Jennifer Lopez. Third, the song is terrible and not at all catchy. I couldn't tell you one line from it or hum one bar, but the video is tremendous. Is that why I never know what the song sounds like because I'm so transfixed by the video? No, it just blows that bad. Lastly, she really does have a lot of ass, but it works for her. No other woman could pull off having such a disproportionately large keister. Kudos to Ms. Lopez for doing "Flashdance" proud, having that famous rump, and now she can be happy to know that she's made the fifth sexiest video of all time, according to some idiot in Chicago.
4. Billy Idol, "Cradle of Love" (1991)
Video Concept: A potentially underage neighbor comes by a stuffy nerd's apartment to play her Billy Idol tape, and the sexiness happens.
So, this young lady comes by your apartment to play her Billy Idol tape on your fine stereo equipment and parade around in her undies. What do you say? 'Hell yes,' if you're this guy or any other red blooded, heterosexual man. This time I noticed something that might change your mind and explain why he seems so scared the whole time. This gal looks really young, and she says that her mom lives down the hall. Curious...
She instantly makes herself at home, literally kicking off her shoes right into the guy's aquarium. She then helps herself to a bottle of his wine, goes into his bedroom, stands up on his bed, and turns on "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane," the Andrew Dice Clay film that contains this song on its soundtrack. Would it discount all of my opinions on this site and others if I were to tell you that I kind of like that movie? Let's just forget I mentioned that and move on. Anyway, this chick seems really turned on by nothing in particular and wants nothing to do with the tenant of the apartment, that is until the end of the video where she crawls towards him like a cat, grabs him by his tie, and passionately kisses him. I wasn't sure if I wanted to include this one, but the tie-grabbing move really pushed it over the edge for me.
3. Shakira, "La Tortura" (2005)
Video Concept: A voyeur, some onions, and lots of booty shaking.
I knew there was going to be a Shakira song on this list because she's so darned hot and can really work it when she dacnes, but I wasn't sure which video to go with until I came across a video for a Spanish song, "La Tortura." The video starts with a peeping tom watching Shakira strip in her apartment. Then we see her crying, only to learn that she's cutting some onions while barefoot and sitting Indian style, which seems dangerous. You're going to lose a toe that way, Shakira, and nobody likes toes in their tacos.
She seems to know that the guy is watching her because she does a great deal of writhing and undulating on the floor. The apartment scenes alternate with shots of her outside, dancing, with what appears to be tar or chocolate being dumped all over her mostly naked body. Do I really need to go on to convince you why this is a hot video? I mean, I know that it's not a song you likely recognize, and her singing is pretty awful, but you just have to see it to believe it.
2. Madonna, "Justify My Love" (1990)
Video Concept: A woman wanders a hallway of some crazy hotel that has various sex acts going on in each and every room and has herself a ball.
I had no cable television when this song came out. I was the last person I knew to get cable, which is like torture to a kid, and I was insanely jealous of my friends who got to watch Fraggle Rock, You Can't Do That on Television, and, of course, the 24 hours of videos on MTV back when they lived up to their name (Music Television). When that glorious cable box finally arrived I was a freshman in high school. I instantaneously became the biggest MTV junkie the world has ever known, and it has created the music-obsessed nut that I am today. I was like the repressed Catholic School girl with overbearing parents who goes off to college to become the campus slut. I was a full-fledged, MTV whore, and I loved every minute of it.
Anyway, if I wanted to watch videos before my cable days, I had to wait until Friday for the seven videos they aired on Friday Night Videos on NBC or turn to channel 23 to watch the snowy reception of the Jukebox Network, which was a station where people would phone in video requests. It was there that I saw the much talked about Madonna video, "Justify My Love." Watching it 18 years later, it's still as hot as ever, and I'd even sit through the snowy version. At the start of the song she says "I want to kiss you in Paris," which is maybe the dumbest thing anyone ever said, but it's still hot when she says it because she's all hot and bothered in a hallway, wearing a trench coat and stockings and having what appears to be a spontaneous, unprovoked...(Editor's note: Matt got all hot and steamy here, so we had to cut him off...)
1. Chris Isaak, "Wicked Game" (1989)
Video Concept: A ridiculously good-looking couple enjoys some kanoodling on the beach during a cloudy day.
Helena Christensen has the coveted, well coveted for me anyway, dark hair and light colored, captivating eyes. She has great features from head to toe as a matter of fact, and the director does a good job at highlighting all of them in this sexy and stylistic video. Chris Isaak is a good looking dude too, so it's got something for the ladies. The song itself is sexy as hell, and it's the best song on the list. In fact, it's the only one I'd listen to without the benefit of seeing the video. The lyric, "I want to fall in love with you" is a good, subtle lyric. He doesn't say that he is falling in love with her but that he merely wants to. MTV used to be like the Holy Grail to me, but it has now has now become lost in a sea of God-awful shows that have nothing to do with music. However, they actually got something right when they selected this video as the sexiest of all time.
Eric Prydz's "Call on Me"
Video Concept: Some guy manages to get into an aerobics class where he is the only male in a room full of oversexed women where the instructor wears a thong and writhes and gropes her way through leading her pupils in a series of very erotic but not so aerobic exercises. (According to YouTube, "This video or group may contain content that is inappropriate for some users." Thus, you must look it up yourself to see it.)
Ones That Weren't As Sexy As I Remembered:
Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"
Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher"
Warrant's "Cherry Pie"
What do you think are some of the sexiest videos of all time? Make a comment!
Story by Matthew Swanson
Starpulse contributing writer
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