With the historic 2008 presidential election merely months away, American citizens must weigh every aspect of our candidates to make an informed decision. On the Democratic ticket Senator Barack Obama
stands as the first black man to represent any party for the office of President. The Republicans have Governor Sarah Palin, their party's first female vice presidential nominee.
Regardless of which political party you choose to represent, there are several possible outcomes in what could happen with a woman as vice president or a black commander-in-chief. It's difficult to tell just where to turn to make our decisions.
Here are just a few instances of what could happen if either party wins, according to Tinseltown:
ILLINOIS JUNIOR SENATOR BARACK OBAMA AS PRESIDENT
As Barack Obama embarks on his campaign to take on the office of President of the United States, a great moment in American history has passed. For millions of Americans, his candidacy represents a dream come true, and it's no surprise a black man has been president in several big-screen films. Still, what took so long for this historic nomination to happen? What happened in these movies that made people so reluctant to consider a black man for President?
An Outer Space Apocalypse
In "Deep Impact
," even President Beck (Morgan Freeman
) couldn't save America from total annihilation at the hands of a comet half the size of Texas (Why Texas? It's always Texas). Certainly all the President could do in this situation was provide Americans with hope in a dire situation, a trait many feel that Barack Obama has in spades. But judging from the film's trailer (face it, nobody saw "Deep Impact"), it seems that this tactic doesn't quite work out for anyone. You can plainly see Tea Leoni
getting eaten by a tidal wave the size Manhattan.
Based on "Deep Impact," a black president would bring upon us immediate doom in the form of an outer space bitch-smack from which the planet may never recover. According to Hollywood, a vote for Barack Obama is a vote for giant space rocks.
Horrible Things Happen in "24" Hours
Ah, President Palmer (Dennis Haysbert
). He was strong, stoic, and honorable on "24." Still, his administration had multiple assassination attempts, near-miss nuclear disasters, and a crippling viral attack. He even had to give up his re-election campaign in the face of scandal. What else does "24" say will happen to a black president? He will be shot in the throat. Maybe it would be best to move on.
President Chris Rock
Wearing his Fubu brand suit and talking in incomprehensible "beat" talk, in 2003's "Head of State
" President Gilliam (Chris Rock) steps up and single-handedly makes politics sound like, well...this:
Tremble in fear, weenie government types. A black president would shake up the establishment with his frighteningly bombastic yet well thought-out rhetoric eloquently punctuated with "ya' heard." Rock even makes stiff white grandmothers enjoy Nelly
! My God.
According to this film, casting your vote for a black president means a vote cast for yo' momma jokes
. Keep this in mind as you consider Barack Obama as your President-foreign leaders may not be able to decipher his hizzle-shizzles and Lil' Wayne
A Super Rad Future World
In the world of Luc Besson's "The Fifth Element
" the sitting president of the planet is a black man played by Tiny "Zeus" Lister
. Aside from being a world united under one harmonious government, the Earth of the future has huge interstellar space cruises, super sweet flying cars, and Chinese take away that flies right up to your high rise apartment window in a boat! Now this is change we can all get behind. Oh, right, there's also the giant, pissed off space rock on a collision course for Earth.
So bear that in mind when you go to the polls. A black man as president acts like a massive apocalypse magnet. But this time the world is in luck. Unlike President Morgan Freeman, President Lister's world manages to escape destruction and gives us a pretty nifty second moon to boot. So really, if you intend to vote for Barack Obama in November, keep in mind there's a 50% chance of some sort extinction level event coming within his first term.
ALASKA GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN AS VICE PRESIDENT
Female vice presidents are fairly common in fiction and always at a time in "the near future." Unfortunately for us connoisseurs of trashy entertainment, no films or series quite measure up to anything as outlandish as "Deep Impact." So with our eyes cast towards realism, let's see what we can expect out of her venture as president of the Senate:
A Salacious Sex Scandal
Governor Palin has already faced a great deal of scandals since she first came onto the Republican card last week. Her party has fought allegations of executive misconduct and accusations of a thin resume, but at least there hasn't been a sex scandal. Still, in today's political process sex scandals are about as old hat as accusations of wire fraud. If life were more like the movies, simple evidence of infidelity on Governor Palin's part would be too dull to make the news.
Hollywood knows that a female in the position of vice president requires a scandal befitting the size of her position-something with more edge. Something like what happens to a female VP nominee in the 2000 film "The Contender
:" pictures of a drunken frat house orgy. Nice. Taking this film into consideration, Republicans can only hope that John McCain's
campaign looked into just how Governor Palin won the Miss Wasilla contest. Just saying.
Russian Terrorists Hijack Air Force One
When your president is a war hero like Harrison Ford in "Air Force One
," a vice president should know that if Air Force One were to be taken over by Russian terrorists, President Han Solo would be able to clean house without any help. This is the exact procedure that vice president Glenn Close
takes. She spits in the face of threat making terrorists by standing by and waiting for her president to kick the hell out of their former commie asses. Sure, the film is not exactly a shining beacon of feminism, but it's not too difficult to imagine a similar situation arising. Let's face it - if Air Force One got high-jacked by Gary Oldman
pretending to be Russian, you just know John McCain would throw him right the hell off of his plane. Well, maybe if he weren't 72. Still, if you want a female vice president, you should know that it comes with the likelihood of something bad happening to the president.
The First Female President
If there's a female vice president in any show or movie, chances are pretty high that she's going to become president one day (barring a Harrison Ford
scenario, of course).
If television has taught us anything, it's that the most interesting thing will always happen. Sure, the concept of a female Vice President is exciting, but it's not nearly as gripping as the idea of the first female President.
In 2005, ABC went along with this idea and gave us "Commander in Chief
," a show which challenged its audience to believe that the American people would accept Geena Davis
as their President. Davis plays Mackenzie Allen, who like Governor Palin was a controversial choice for VP in a bitterly fought, divisive election. After her ticket's victory, however, she's quickly thrown to the country's helm when the President succumbs to a stroke. Drama ensues.
The story of a woman becoming President is a story all Americans can get behind, and this series goes to show that the constituency is ready for strong female leaders. Then again, it did get cancelled in its first year, but let's just blame Geena Davis for that one.
Really, a show like "Commander in Chief," or any show for that matter, should not control the decisions you make in politics. These stories have absolutely no bearing in reality. Think about it. "Commander in Chief" is a show where an aged president dies of a stroke two years into his administration leaving a woman President that neither party fully trusts. What are the odds of that really happening?
... Better not answer that.
Story by Kris King
Starpulse contributing writer