Did you miss me, Turnpikers? I had an extended vacation from “Snooki & JWOWW” thanks to the battle royale between DirecTV, Viacom and my money. My precious MTV is back, so I’m free to recap the misadventures of my Jersey girls and my favorite Jersey guy, Mr. Roger WOWW!
When the show begins, I shake my fists at the heavens because I missed the girls “Jersey-fying” their homestead. Then I get a closer look to the loft, and realize that they simply hung leopard and zebra print banners on the walls, put down a few cow rugs and furry pillows and slapped decals on the doors and mirrors. I’m perfectly fine with tacky, but I will not stand for tacky and lazy. Fortunately, there are far more pressing matters at hand, like the fact that my beautiful, Ed Hardy-loving, Roger is screaming at Jenni over the phone, and the tough, no-nonsense chick is actually crying. Something terrible must’ve happened. What if she discovered that Roger was republican or he loves “Two And A Half Men” or he purposely listens to Chris Brown? Those are all dealbreakers. Apparently, these lovebirds are having a knock-down drag-out fight over dinner reservations? Roger, you’re killin’ me here. Stop being mean. Jenni surprises everybody by apologizing profusely, and the fight is seemingly over. It’s definitely not over. Reality show or not, girls might forgive, but they don't forget.
Don’t believe me? Let’s skip over Jionni sniffing Jenni’s Nuvaring, because it's obvious he doesn't know what birth control is, and go right to dinner, shall we? The girls surprise the boys with a dinner at Lucky Chang’s, a draq queen restaurant. The queens are glorious, sassy and wear mini-dresses better than I do. Jenni and Snooki take sheer delight in watching their men squirm, cringe and grimace as they are treated to lapdances. Jenni’s mood suddenly lifts as Roger gets a face-full of man-crotch. Take your punishment, Roger, and you too, Jionni for impregnating Snooki and ruining her three-year bender.
Jionni’s parents are hosting an engagement dinner for their families, along with Jenni and Roger. It’s all very Italian with delicious spread of food, and pregnant Snooki dives right in before it's ever served. The meal looks pleasant but I’m having a hard time enjoying this episode because that dufus Jionni is hogging all of the screen time, and Roger made Jenni cry, and Snooki is cleaning?! What topsy-turvy universe did I fall into?
The sun comes out behind the clouds when Roger attempts to advise Jionni about impending fatherhood. It’s a shame that Jionni is too dense to listen to him when he says that raising a child will be a “life-altering experience” and that he and Snooki need to find their own place before the baby comes so they won’t grow dependent on Jionni’s parents as caretakers. Roger drops mad wisdom on the hobbit, and he ignores him, stating that his siblings have kids so he has tons of experience. For the rest of Snooki’s pregnancy, I will pray that MTV would install nanny-cams in Jionni’s mom’s house that stream live to the internet so I can witness just how spectacularly wrong he is. Jionni also thinks he’s “doin’ well” in his relationship, and Roger isn’t. Since when does an accidental pregnancy and a shotgun engagement equate to coupled success, especially when the first thing his bride-to-be did after they got engaged was move further away? The only good thing about this scene is that it has made me love Roger again, and kind of hate Jenni for being screaming at him.
Snooki and JWOWW decide they need a vacation from not working, touring of all the theme restaurants in the tri-state area, and not having sex with their boyfriends. This is suggested in that random, inorganic way that happens on reality shows when it’s time for them to take an already-planned and corporate sponsored vacation. So these not-so-single girls are probably going to head to a relaxing spa next to a quiet beach, right? No, they're going to the Spring Break capital of the world: Cancun, Mexico. That’s definitely not a bad idea.
We'll find out how much of a horrible idea this is next week! What did you think of the episode? Share your comments below.