The second episode of ‘Modern Family’’s fourth season, ‘Schooled,’ certainly lives up to its name. Let’s start with Cameron and Mitchell, who send Lily off to kindergarten (Seriously? Already?). Unfortunately, she meets her match in a little boy who bullies her. Cameron and Mitchell talk the matter over with the boy’s parents, who happen to be lesbians. You know this isn’t going to go well (one of the moms tells Cameron, “I look forward to your frittata,” and he responds with, “Why, are you visiting us in 2008?”).
Let’s turn to Gloria and Jay, who reluctantly go to a parenting class after Manny expresses concern about their abilities. With their collective experience, Jay and Gloria aren’t too concerned with impressing the teacher, who criticizes Gloria’s swaddling technique (Gloria: “It’s a burrito. You don’t want the meat to fall out.”)
Finally, Haley goes off to college. It seems she can’t wait to get her parents out of there, and it’s a little hard to blame her, what with Phil’s embarrassing family “moving” t-shirts. But the real last straw is when he fondles Haley’s roommate, whom he mistakes for Claire from behind. Whoops.
In the end, though, a phone call to Claire and Phil as they drive home shows that Haley really does appreciate them, causing both parents to become poignantly misty-eyed.
Other memorable quotes, courtesy of ABC:
Phil: “As I quote from one of our nation’s great fathers, Jefferson. George Jefferson. ‘I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a university, but here I stand a proud black man knowing that all those hours I put in at the drycleaners…”
Claire (interrupting): “Phil...”
Phil: “Not now, Weezy.”
Haley (saying goodbye to Alex): “Don’t dork up our room.”
Alex: “Don’t slut up your college.”
As for the third episode, simply titled ‘Snip,’ having children – or not having them – takes center stage. Phil and Claire decide that they’re done with kids and can’t imagine starting over, so Phil goes in for a vasectomy (“Is it a vasecto-you or a vesectome?”) Jay tries to calm Phil down when he gets nervous, but not terribly surprisingly, the couple decides not to go through with it. Perhaps seeing Jay and Gloria preparing for a baby plays a part in that. Side note: Claire’s accidentally shaving the head of Alex’s friend is maybe the biggest laugh-out-loud moment of the season.
Gloria, meanwhile, is somewhat in denial about getting more and more pregnant. She refuses to stop wearing her normal clothes, even though it looks like she swallowed a motorcycle helmet. Manny tries to get her to buy some maternity clothes. Finally she doesn’t have a choice when the buttons of her shirt literally pop off (“Victoria’s about to spill all her secrets!”).
And then there’s the couple in between – the one who sent their daughter off to kindergarten but ache to have another child. Since Lily is in school, Mitchell worries that Cam is bored out of his mind (it would seem he is, after making a mermaid costume for the cat). Unfortunately, Mitchell’s setting up a retail job for him backfires, but Cam eventually comes around to the idea of doing something with his days.
Other notable quotes:
Gloria: “Manny, you don’t seem so happy. You usually love it when I pull you out of school to play hockey.”
Manny: “A) It’s hooky, and B) don’t ever take me out of school to play hockey.”
Jay (persuading Phil to go through with his vasectomy): “Look, no one’s going to think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.”
Phil: “I’m unusually sensitive down there. I can’t go in certain Jacuzzis.”
Claire (calling Alex’s bluff on shaving her head with her goth friend): “Then let’s do this! It’s shaving time! Shavy-gravy! Shaved by the bell!”
Alex: “Why are you talking like dad?”