We Need Tokens!
It’s after the election and three top-level Republican GOP strategists meet to discuss what went wrong. They are in the 441st floor of a penthouse suite in a downtown corporate skyscraper.
Dave – I feel sick.
Bob – Me too.
Chuck – Where is that ditsy woman assistant of yours’ with our coffee?
Dave – Why did you hire her?
Chuck – I wanted someone who would do menial chores for us who we could underpay because she’s a woman.
Dave – Okay. Well. What are we gonna do? We’ve lost America. That’s what O’Reilly said on TV. You heard him. Our Southern and Midwest Strategy didn’t work. We thought we could wrap up enough real Americans and come out on top. You know, real America. What happened?
Chuck – It’s that Kenyan Obama. He’s like a cat. You throw him in the air, he always lands on his feet.
Dave – Yeah, a black cat.
Chuck – Dave. What did I tell you about using differences in color, the word, the wording? I thought we agreed after what happened last week we were going to work on changing our ethic and keep that to a minimum.
Dave – (sheepish) Oh yeah.
Chuck – I didn’t say we’d change our core values. We know we’re better, we know we’re smarter. It’s just we won’t let them know it.
Dave – Well why did that goof (Romney) go and say where a camera recorded it that 47 percent of the American people were leeches sucking off the government and then get in trouble for it? They are ya’ know.
Chuck – Yeah I know. But that hurt us, and that’s what we’re going to change. We’re not going to compromise with the other side or work with them. If we’re lucky, the economy will go downhill and make it easier for us next time. We have core values, like religion. They don’t. We’re not going to give up exploiting this.
Bob – Yeah, we’re not a bunch of unwashed communist bums.
Chuck – (sighing) Bob. Remember when our boy (Romney) said the U.S. Navy was smaller now trying to make out Obama was weak on defense? Obama said we have aircraft carriers and we don’t need as many battleships, that our boy was living in the past fighting the Cold War?
Bob – Oh, yeah.
Chuck – People laughed at that. That hurt us. From now on, we’re not going to use the word communist. You guys come up with a different derogatory word. For example, disloyal reprobate.
Bob – That’s two words.
Chuck – I know. But I like the sound. I think it’s also clear, if we’re going to win next time, we need a token.
Dave – Token?
Chuck – You know, a person who we don’t represent, but who represents us. You know, use a dog to catch a dog, a person not of our race, to run for office, so we can get the minority vote.
Bob – But we’re the minority now.
Chuck – (shouting) I know that! That’s why we need a token.
Dave – How about Bobby Jindal?
Bob – Sabu the Elephant Boy. No way.
Chuck – Bob. What did I tell you? We’re going to be a party that looks ahead and is hip, that appeals to people with different skin pigment and the young and women, the ones who didn’t vote for us. That means being up to date. Nobody except you remembers Sabu the Elephant Boy. Think progressive. Think modern. Besides. You remember how Jindal flipped out that one time and made that crazy incoherent speech.
Dave – You mean the one about fairy dust?
Chuck – No, the other one.
Bob – Okay, but who?
Dave – What about Michael Steele?
Chuck – Too many mistresses.
Dave – What about Congo Lisa (Condoleezza Rice)?
Chuck – You are not to call her Congo Lisa. What did I say?
Dave – You said we’re better.
Chuck – Yes I did. But I meant in a positive way. We’re the party of morality. We’re the party of small government, and John Wayne. We’re the party of religion, our religion. We’re the party of patriots. Not them.
Dave – So?
Chuck – Condoleezza Rice would be ideal except.
Bob – What?
Chuck – She backed Bush and Cheney in setting up torture water-boarding camps and the war based on false weapons of mass destruction and the Patriot Act and the collapse of the economy.
Bob – That’s bad.
Chuck – No that’s good. It’s just some of the unwashed 99 percent think it’s bad. We can’t take a chance.
Dave – What are we going to do?
Chuck - We’re going to appeal to voters using a figurehead we can control who reflects our American values and ideals. Find me someone who is a woman, born in Kenya, half Hispanic, young, an idealog, demagogue and zealot who will never compromise on anything, and who is to the right of Genghis Kahn.
Celebrity Moms Share Mother's Day Plans Jenny McCarthy Flashes Her Breasts On Her Talk Show For $100